Attending to the Inner Critic

The Inner Critic We all have one.  It's that voice so often speaking inside our heads that makes judgements about us.  Sometimes it takes the tone and sound of one of our parents or another adult from our growing up years--they criticized us for not measuring up, for failing, communicating clearly that we didn't have it, we couldn't make it, we blew it and we'll blow it again.

Someone recently told me about his Inner Critic's primary message:  "You'll never make anything of yourself!  You'll never amount to anything!"  It always has the voice of his dad who has put him down his whole life and has never expressed any true belief in his abilities.  He's labeled his Inner Critic, "The Chairman of the Board."  This voice has always had the last word, the word of ultimate authority.  And it has prevented him from living his own life in freedom, with a sense of value, and possibility.

I definitely have an Inner Critic.  I got off the phone today after engaging in negotiation over a coaching contract with the CFO of an organization.  I felt really strong.  I was pleased with myself and the confidence with which I had presented a proposal.

And then suddenly my Inner Critic piped up and in no uncertain terms reminded me of a very small but silly comment I made in passing during the phone conversation.  As I listened, the "voice" started berating me and criticizing me.  I was tempted to believe it once again and discount the entire conversation along with my credibility.  I saw my Inner Critic looking at me holding up the big L on its forehead...Loser!  And the irony was, all evidence to the contrary.

Why Is the Inner Critic So Powerful?

Does that ever happen to you?  The Inner Critic is powerful.  Why?  Because we have given it power.  Because we've heard it for so long.  Because it speaks partial truth at times so that some of what it says is believable and we tend to lump all of what it says into that partially believable part.  And because whenever it speaks, it doesn't equivocate or articulate timidly.  It always speaks with authority and clarity.  Right?

The Essence of the Inner Critic's Message

Even Jesus battled this Inner Critic, this Shadow part that showed up in the form of the devil, the tempter.  The Bible elsewhere describes this Voice as "the accuser of the people."  Man, do we know this Inner Critic!

After Jesus was baptized in the Jordan River, he was led by the Spirit into the wilderness desert to be alone, to confront himself, his identity, his calling.  The voice of his heavenly father at his baptism was still ringing in his ears:  "You are my son, the one I love; I'm so proud and pleased with you."

Then the Critic showed up.  In essence It said, "So you think you're the Son of God, huh?  You think you're someone special?  NO way!  Not unless you can turn stones into bread.  You think you're someone special?  NO way!  Not unless you can jump off the pinnacle of the Temple and have angels break your fall.  NO way!  Not unless you acknowledge Me, honor me, listen to and believe everything I say.  You're no different than anyone else!  Good try!"

Notice the essence of this Critic's voice which echoes our Inner Critic all the time:  it's calling into question our identity, our sense of value and worth, our belief in ourselves and what God is calling us to be and do. It accuses us of being Nobodies.  It's connecting performance with success and identity.  So if we blow it or act out or fail at times, the Chairman of our Board bellows, "See, you're nothing.  I told you!  You'll never amount to anything!"

Our Inner Critic always connects performance with value.  So we end up only giving ourselves permission to feel good about ourselves when we perform well or are doing something "valuable" and "successful" (and usually we've bought into the ego-culture's definitions of those two terms).

I'm wrestling with this temptation from my Inner Critic a lot these days.  I'm in the middle of a big transition professionally, from spending most of my time pastoring a spiritual community to spending more time being a public speaker and spiritual teacher.  Others have taken leadership with the spiritual community and my wife and I are working hard developing strategic plans to begin speaking and teaching in the City and beyond.  So right now, one thing has ended but the new thing has yet to begin.  I'm in the "no man's land" of transition's middle zone.  And I struggle with a loss of identity and the corresponding sense of current "uselessness."

My Inner Critic isn't whispering It's critique of me, It's bellowing it.  Maybe I won't be able to pull off this transition to another manifestation of my Calling.  Maybe we'll try and it won't work.  What if no one shows up to the public events we plan?  What if no one cares about what we have to say?  What if I've lost whatever mojo I once had?  What if we can't earn enough income to make it?  What if?  What if?  "See, you're really amounting to nothing after all.  You're not good enough.  You won't make it.  You're not who you think you are, you're a nobody."

So how do you attend to the Inner Critic in a way that doesn't cripple you?  Here are several important strategies I've learned.

Strategies to Effectively Attending to Your Inner Critic

Honor the Voice--learn Its wisdom.  This is a counter-intuitive step.  The truth is, our Inner Critic speaks so loudly because It's trying to tell us something.  Believe it or not, it does have some wisdom for us.  Unfortunately, It often couches Its words in negative value statements.  But beneath those devaluing observations, It does have a role.  That role might be different for all of us.  It might be trying to keep us from doing something we'd regret later, like making a fool of ourselves, or biting off something we're not ready to handle, or doing something that might not be safe.  The Inner Critic speaks warnings ultimately to protect us, like oftentimes our parents tried to do. It wants to make sure we're considering all the angles before jumping into something.

I've learned that this process is not about silencing the voice as much as properly attending to it.

If we are willing to honor that Voice by assuring the Inner Critic that we will take Its warning into consideration and will not purposely try to do something dangerous or foolish, that we'll be strategic and wise in what we do, the Voice actually tends to quiet.  It wants to be heard and respected.  And we can listen to what we need to hear in its statements and honor those parts.  And then simply not embrace or accept the negative value judgments.

Say to It, "What is the wisdom you have for me?  What are the cautions I need to pay attention to?  How can I assure you I won't be foolish and unwise here?"  Honor and respect the voice of wisdom in It and then let go of the value judgments about identity and worth.  You're not a Loser no matter what you do or what happens.

Honor THE Voice--don't play the identity game.  Though my client has named his Inner Critic "Chairman of the Board," the truth is, there's only one Voice that we should give that title to.  Jesus got it right.  His first response to the Tempter and Accuser was, "Man should not live by bread alone but by every word that comes out of the mouth of God."

The Accuser had just challenged Jesus to prove his divine sonship by turning the desert stones into bread.  Jesus refused to play that identity game.  "I don't need to prove anything about who I am.  I don't perform my way into an identity.  I accept my identity as a state of being given to me as a gift the moment I was born.   I'm choosing to listen to the words of The Chairman of the Board, the One who just reminded me at my baptism who I am by telling me, 'You are my son, the one I love; I'm so pleased with and proud of you.'  That Voice is the one that counts to me when it comes to my identity, value, and ultimate worth!"

The next time your Inner Critic bellows that you're a failure, a loser, and that you need to do much better at performing and proving yourself otherwise you don't count, don't buy it.  Remind yourself of the Highest Voice who assures you that you're a child of God with ultimate and eternal value no matter what!  Your identity is secure, period.

Can we learn from our mistakes and foibles and even failures?  Of course.  We should.  The Inner Critic has wisdom for us to learn from if we allow ourselves to listen.  And sometimes we have to work hard to catch what It's saying "in-between the lines" of Its judgments and criticisms.

Choose to play the right game.  When my Inner Critic, after my phone call, reminded me of my silly statement, I stopped for a moment, replayed that part, and ended up saying, "Good point.  I was trying to be funny and light when I made that silly comment but I didn't need to.  I could have left that out.  It didn't add any value to the conversation and my point.  Next time, I'll remember and not feel the need to throw something like that in."

But then I chose to refuse the Voice's judgement label of Loser on me and went about my work, celebrating how strong I was on the call and my hope for a profitable outcome.  "I am a divine son who is called by God and loved by God and infused with eternal value and worth, no matter what happens.  Thank you for that secure and solid identity!  Now I'll keep moving forward, being as wise and strategic as I can, and knowing I'm the Man all along the way!" :)

Don't get caught up in your Inner Critic's identity game.  Only allow the true Chairman of the Board to settle that issue for you.

In Jesus' story, once the Critic-Accuser-Tempter crossed this line by demanding worship (an act of bowing to something as ultimate authority) , Jesus did a major push back and rebuked It by saying, "Get behind me!  Be gone!"  He refused to play the identity game.  He refused to give the highest status to It.  Only God is the Chairman of the Board who always pronounces value and worth and acknowledges inherent goodness.

So honor the wisdom of the Inner Critic and learn what you need to learn from It.  But don't mix Its messages up with your identity.  Don't get sucked into that game.  When it comes to identity, choose to play the right game:  listen to and honor the Voice of God who has the most authoritative handle on your identity as a loved and pleasing child of God, forever and period!  Beyond that it's all logistics and strategy.

Betty White, Snickers Bars, and Your Personal Identity

The Commercial Have you seen the 30 second TV commercial with actress Betty White and Snickers candy bars?  It was introduced during the 2010 Super Bowl.  It's an interesting portrayal of personal identity.  Watch it:

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uA7-31Cxc2I&w=560&h=349]

The Snickers Identity Paradigm

The ad's a great example of how so often we see others by what they're doing on the outside.  Their identity is their performance.  If you're not playing football very well we see you as a Betty White (although I would have had second thoughts about playing ball against a younger Betty White--she's got the spirit!).  "Come on, man, don't be such a wuss!  Get it together and start playing like a man!"  If you're really good (which is to say, proficient, skillful, aggressive), then we see you as your "real" self.  Our culture bases everything about identity on externals.  Get that real job!  Drive that real car!  Make a real salary!  Date that real woman or man!  Buy a real house!  Wear that power suit!  Carry that real purse or wear those real shoes!  Show your stuff (whatever "stuff" is) and stop wimping around!

And if you're just not "manifesting" it rightly, then eat a Snickers bar and turn yourself back into a real man or woman!  Notice the interesting solution to being your "true self":  a candy bar (or whatever external things the advertisers are offering).

You and I are tempted every day to buy into this perspective on identity and reality.  If we can just manifest the right outside and external world, we can be satisfied that all is right with the world, we are who we're suppose to be.  So our identity is held captive to what we can or cannot manifest on the outside.

Some Drawbacks

But here are a couple of big dangers with this paradigm.  One, if you base your identity on what you can manifest in your life (the externals like people, things, circumstances), then you never have a solid foundation for your self esteem.  Your identity is dependent upon what happens on the outside.  And so your self esteem fluctuates based upon circumstances created by either you or others.  Your self esteem and personal identity are victimized by the fluctuations of whatever's happening to you or by you.  Definitely not a very secure way to live.

And two, it becomes easy to put yourself down or to put others down who aren't manifesting everything you think you or they should.  You can guilt people by saying, "If you just would get your thoughts right, you should be able to do it.  So if you're not doing it, there's something wrong with you!"

It's so subtle how our attitudes impact our sense of self and our expectations of others.

An Alternative Paradigm:  Secure Identity and Inner Peace

There's an alternative way to live that produces far more confidence, assurance, and solid peace.  Notice this statement from scripture:

"Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace."  (2 Corinthians 4:16)

Now considering the context of this statement, the significance of it increases dramatically.  The author is writing to people who have developed the insidious belief that your external world validates who you are.  The worldview was that if you were experiencing a life of success, ease, and prosperity that was a sign that you were being blessed by the divine universe.  And being blessed by God was always manifested by a life of prosperity.  They claimed that the condition of your external world indicated your personal identity and your status with the gods.

But author Paul is trying to counter that popular paradigm by describing his own life.  When he talks about looking like things are falling apart, he's painting a pretty graphic picture of his life experience:

"You know for yourselves that we're not much to look at. We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken. What they did to Jesus, they do to us—trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, he does in us—he lives! Our lives are at constant risk for Jesus' sake, which makes Jesus' life all the more evident in us. While we're going through the worst, you're getting in on the best!"  (2 Corinthians 4:8-12)

Notice his juxtaposition of external circumstances and internal attitude and identity.  Even though his external life would appear to be a complete failure, falling apart at the seams, his sense of identity and security with himself and with God are completely secure.  There's an internal sense of peace and certainty that pervades his mind and heart.  He is describing himself as possessing true life in its deepest and most meaningful sense, a life that God is continually creating and recreating in him.  And the more centered he finds himself in this internal life, the more grounded he finds himself in how he faces his external world.

And he ends that paragraph with a sentence describing another truism (did you notice it?):  our internal attitude does impact our external environment with others.  As Paul centered himself on inner peace that he allows God to create within him in the midst of external chaos, he blesses others with that environment of peace, too, giving them opportunity to experience inner peace for themselves.  It may not still the storms swirling all around, but it does provide inner calm and centeredness which is contagious.

Our True Miracle

That's the true miracle we all are needing.  Being able to live life with the continual unfolding of divine grace within us, where God is making a new life every day--not based upon what people think about us or even what we're tempted to think about ourselves based upon what we have or don't have, do or don't do, but based upon what God gives us inside--an nonfluctuating identity as a child of God embued with eternal value because of that stamp of love on our souls.  The ability to live in love rather than fear is the greatest miracle of all.  That should be our highest manifestation in life.  And it certainly has the power to impact others with a spirit of peace and love, too.

By today's standards based upon the Law of Attraction, Paul would be considered a real failure.  And yet Paul is completely confident in who he is, what God is doing in his life, and his courageous living of his purpose.

Marianne Williamson, author and spiritual teacher, puts it this way:  "We're not asking for something outside us to change, but for something inside us to change.  We're looking for a softer orientation to life...Everything we do is infused with the energy with which we do it.  If we're frantic, life will be frantic.  If we're peaceful, life will be peaceful.  And so our goal in any situation becomes inner peace.  Our internal state determines our experience of our lives; our experiences do not determine our internal state."  (Marianne Williamson, A Return To Love, p. 66)

So build your identity, your sense of self and esteem and worth, on a foundation that remains secure, that outside circumstances and people cannot destroy.  So whether you have much in life that you truly want or have very little, you still are rich--you are grounded on the eternal truth of your being as a child of the God of the universe and nothing can take that away.

What are the internal changes and transformations you're experiencing in your life these days?  Are you clear of your identity and what it's based upon?  Do you possess a centered and grounded sense of who you are and where your value comes from?  Do you have that "softer orientation to life" that comes from living with love instead of fear?  Do you have a peace and security regardless of what's happening in your external world?

Next time I find myself face down on the muddy football field, and others think I'm playing ball like Betty White, I think I need to stick something more substantial into my soul than a Snickers bar.

Is There More To Life Than What You See?

There's a profound dynamic to sailing that goes beyond the scale of the boat, the engineering, the rigging, all the equipment that helps the boat go fast and stable, that goes beyond even the condition of the water and even the crew.  It is in fact, ironically enough, that which cannot be seen.  And without it, there would be no sailing.  Figured out what it is? Exactly.  Wind.  It's the whole force behind sailing.  You can't see it.  You can only feel it and notice its impact.  And believe me, it's quite a force to be reckoned with.  I've at times cursed it and hailed it (depending of course how well I'm doing leveraging it).  And I've been deathly afraid of it (when my boat appeared to be "going down" in the storm).  All of these responses to something you can't even see - but obviously acknowledge is there.

There's an intriguing spiritual dimension to this reality.  And of all people to acknowledge it is Christopher Hitchens, a contributing editor to Vanity Fair, most known for his self-proclaimed role as one of the New Atheists called to debunk the world of religion and religious thought, as most recently revealed in his manifesto book God is not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything.  His primary sparring partners tend to be religious conservatives and apologists for fundamentalism.

In a recent interview with a liberal Christian minister he made some surprising philosophical and spiritual observations of sharing a mutual appreciation for "the transcendent" and "the numinous" (which literally means, "surpassing comprehension or understanding; mysterious; filled with or characterized by a sense of a supernatural presence: a numinous place; Spiritually elevated; sublime"):  terms that Hitchens himself introduced into the conversation, not vice versa.

When asked about this, he commented:

"It's innate in us to be overawed by certain moments, say, at evening on a mountaintop or sunset on the boundaries of the ocean. Or, in my case, looking through the Hubble telescope at those extraordinary pictures. We have a sense of awe and wonder at something beyond ourselves, and so we should, because our own lives are very transient and insignificant. That's the numinous, and there's enough wonder in the natural world without any resort to the supernatural being required."

And then he surprisingly took it one step further.  "Everybody has had the experience at some point when they feel that there's more to life than just matter." More to life than just what you can see?

This is quite a profound observation from a person who has refused to embrace acceptance of anything supernatural.  More to life than just matter? Is Hitchens really saying what he seems to be saying here, that "the numinous" refers to the sense that there's something more to our existence than just the material world?

The ancient Hebrews (in Jewish scripture) had no problem acknowledging this reality.  In fact, to them, the scriptures never talked about "spiritual life."  Spirituality was NOT simply one of several aspects of life.  All of life was Sacred, God-breathed, infused with divine wonder and awe.  So they talked about only life.  As my friend Samir Selmanovic points out (in his book It's Really All About God), "the Hebrews loved both God and life.  Obeying God meant being fully human, with every fiber of one's being alive.  One could not experience one without the other...To tune in to human life is to tune in to God.  Existence itself is a sacred place."

There's more to life than just matter.  There's a Spirit to all life.  So embracing life deeply and passionately is a highly spiritual practice.  And historically (among spiritual traditions), this practice has been called "worship."  Living life with a sense that life is sacred, intentionally giving value to life and the Giver of life, embracing the awe and wonder that there is More than simply our existence, that there is a Life Force that flows all around us and in us and through us.  Worship is the spiritual practice of embracing God and showing value to the Divine life.

There's more to life than just matter - worship - embracing "the transcendent" and the "numinous" - giving honor to Life.  Renowned atheist Christopher Hitchens acknowledges this reality (in his own way).  I definitely concur.

In the spiritual community in San Francisco I'm a part of, Second Wind's "W" core value (in our core values acronymn S.E.C.O.N.D. W.I.N.D.) stands for "W.orship."  It's a desire to value living life with a sense of the divine, learning the art of living all of life as sacred, embracing the worldview (as Einstein pointed out) that the Universe is in fact "friendly," that God is the ultimate Force of love and compassion and goodness.  So we're trying to find meaningful and intentional ways to live out this value and important paradigm.  We think this value will empower us to love extravagantly and serve unselfishly to make this world a better place.

And in the end, isn't there something centering and grounding to sense that there is more to life than just matter?  That, as my friends in AA are so wise to regularly affirm, there's a Higher Power beyond myself, greater than myself, that nourishes and sustains and empowers my life toward greater self responsibility leading to wholeness and transformation?

When it comes to sailing, I can tell you that the most effective sailors are those that not only acknowledge the wind but learn how to live with it well, who embrace it and honor it and respect it - who learn the art of leaning into it.

What would it look like in tangible terms for you to embrace this core value, to affirm that there is more to life than matter and what you can see?  How would it impact your daily existence, your relationships, your concerns, your hopes and dreams?  What are specific ways you tend to show deeper value for Life, to carve out space to acknowledge and pay attention and affirm the Sacred in life?  When is the last time you actually thought about there being a Power greater than yourself and expressed respect and honor for It?