SELF CARE IS NOT A LUXURY, IT'S A MANDATE

Especially during this work-at-home pandemic (Thank You, COVID-19), it's easy to get confused about taking breaks to pay attention to our mental health and overall self care. We might be tempted to feel guilty if we're not working long hours every day, maybe even on the weekends. Or we might be tempted to see our amazing attention to productivity and its corresponding busyness as a badge of honor, a symbol of how important and necessary we are. 

But unfortunately, with either of those approaches, the foundation of our self worth and self esteem get all confused and mixed up. We end up believing the lie that our worth and value come from what we produce rather than who we are as human beings. 

And our wellbeing and resilience lose. 

That's why I love a meme I put together showing a sleeping kitten with the caption by Liane Davey:

Investing in your resilience isn't indulgent; it's mission-critical.

What a pithy reminder. When you and I invest in our self care, it isn't a luxury, it's a mandate. It's perhaps one of the most countercultural, courageous acts we can engage in.

We cannot achieve our full humanity with its glorious potential without taking intentional times to stop (what I call strategic stops) for rest, recovery, having fun, building our healthy relationships, investing in the social causes that inspire us, and paying attention to our emotional and physical lives, too.

Liane Davey, in her recent article in the Harvard Business Review, gives this challenge to the leaders of every organization:

It’s time to take those hackneyed words, 'our people are our greatest asset,' to heart. If you are an important asset, how could depriving, devaluing, and depreciating that asset by running it in harsh conditions, powering it with improper fuel, and neglecting routine maintenance possibly be good for your organization? Let’s cut to the chase: It’s not! ... From now on, tell yourself, 'It’s so busy at work right now, I can’t afford NOT to take care of myself!'"

If you have the courage to do this for yourself, it will be powerful evidence that you are a great leader! And that kind of modeling and permission-giving will empower the people around you. And you'll have the energy to engage in the mission of your organization in creative, innovative, and bold ways. Everyone wins!

Three Steps to Choosing Authenticity and Getting Your Real Self To Stand Up

To Tell the Truth Do you remember that classic TV game show "To Tell the Truth?"  It was one of the longest running game shows ever, airing shows in every season for 45 years.

The premise was that four celebrity judges would try to guess which of the three contestants was the genuine character being described in an unusual and unique life story read out loud by the host.  All contestants introduced themselves by the name of the true character.  The two "imposter" contestants could lie with their answers, the true character had to tell the truth in every answer.  After questioning each contestant, the judges would vote.  The host would then say those famous words, "Will the real [name of the character] please stand up."

I used to love watching the show, trying to guess which was the real character.  I sometimes got it right.  But often I was completely surprised.  And I've never forgotten the host's line at the end of the vote:  Will the real ________ please stand up."

So what was the appeal to such a simple game show?  The drama of trying to figure out who was who?  Deception?  Humor?  Seeing judges voting?  Unusual life stories?  A competition of winning and losing?

Probably all of the above.  But I think there was also something else at play.  We are drawn to that which is true, to people who are able to stand up and truly be themselves.  We call this Authenticity.

Defining Authenticity

I'm inspired by the way Brene Brown, in her book The Gifts of Imperfection, defines Authenticity:

"Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are."  (p. 50)

The "letting go" of this ideal self we think we're supposed to be (and even that can change depending on which environment we're in at any given time) is really hard.  Isn't it?  Why?

Why Living Authentically is So Difficult

Our external culture.  We live in a world that strongly encourages, sometimes even demands, that we fit in, don't stand out too much, conform to accepted expectations and standards.  Though our country was founded on individuality and the pioneering spirit, our culture has strong ways of limiting all of that.

We're raised to acquiesce to authority---the authority of parents, adults, institutions, people who know more than we do, power, position, status.  We're taught not to trust ourselves or our gut instincts or to look too deeply inside ourselves.  All true authority is outside ourselves, we're told.

No wonder we have in our culture an authenticity challenge.

Our internal Culture.  Compounding this cultural squeeze is the truth that inside ourselves we often have another battle raging.  It's a self-esteem and self-worth issue.  So that whenever we feel shame or unworthiness or guilt that creates self-doubt, we can quickly and easily sell ourselves out and say, "I can be anybody you need me to be.  Watch me!"

So we can allow our self-identity to shift with the winds and tides of our surrounding people---whatever it takes to please them or get their approval so we can feel good about ourselves.

We definitely have an authenticity challenge these days.

So how do we learn to choose authenticity more and more in our daily lives---to choose to be our real Selves in every context, living out the fullest and most confident expression of our true Selves?

Three Steps to Choosing Authenticity

Notice the three actions described in Dr. Brown's definition of Authenticity:

• Daily practicing

It's unrealistic to think that all of a sudden, one day we can simply declare, "Okay, I'm perfectly authentic now.  I'm good to go."

"Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day.  It's about the choice to show up and be real.  The choice to be honest.  The choice to let our true Selves be seen."  (p. 49)

When you consider that we are making this choice against everything that we've established through the course of life as being "true" about ourselves and what's really important---pleasing others at our own expense, living up to everyone else's expectations, letting every situation determine how "real" we should be, hiding behind masks, or trying hard to be someone we're really not---it's no wonder authenticity is a daily, even moment by moment, choice.  We have to practice it regularly.  We have to develop a new normal.

Authenticity is a process of becoming---a journey into being more fully genuinely ourselves.  So our practice demands:  "In this moment, faced with a choice of how I'll show up in this situation, I choose authenticity.  In this moment, I choose to be real and genuine and honest.  I will not hide myself.  In this moment, I will not let fear of what others might say or think dictate how I show up.  I choose to let my Self be expressed.  In this moment, I will be Me to the best of my knowledge and ability and in a spirit of respect, love, and compassion."

• Letting go of who we think we're supposed to be

We have to stop living our lives based on other people's expectations and standards.  We need to respect and honor their choices.  But we don't have to emulate them.  We are each unique individuals.  We have to let our masks go.  We have to let go of our attempts to squeeze into someone else's mold.  We have to let go of our obsession with pleasing and seeking approval in order for us to feel good about ourselves.

For a trapeze artist to let go of the trapeze and fly through nothing but empty air takes courage.  It's scary and even risky.

So is letting go of false identities---especially if we've lived them for a long time.  We end up flying through uncertainty, even at times lack of clarity about who we are.  We risk rejection and lack of acceptance.  People close to us might actually like us the way we've been.  We might "fail" at being Ourselves.  Yes, it takes courage to let go.

But we can't grab a hold of the true identity (the other trapeze bar) without letting go of the false.

• Embracing who we really are

Think of a time when you felt really true to yourself, when you felt completely safe, loved, accepted, honest, when you felt really strong and energized.  What was happening?  How were you showing up?

Chances are you were actually being your true Self.  That's what you have to embrace and grab a hold of.  That's the new trapeze bar you've been flying through space to catch.

That story you remember is a snapshot of your Authenticity.  Remember it.  Relish it.  Visualize it again and again.  Those powerful positive memories will give you courage to choose Authenticity again and again.  Embrace who you really are.

Embrace vulnerability.  Let go of the need for perfection, even in trying to be You.  Give yourself permission to fail, to make mistakes, to not do it really well every single time you embrace You.  That's okay.  You're on the journey of Authenticity.

Embrace compassion for your Self and for others.  Remember that you are made of both strength and struggle, as Brene Brown puts it.

Embrace the truth that you, as your true Self, are always enough!

Embrace that your greatest gift to the world---to everyone around you---the gift that God has given you and you alone, is You.  No one else is or can be You.  Stand in your Truth and that truth will set you and everyone around you free.  Only Authenticity gives freedom.  Don't deprive the world of your Authentic You.

So next time, when the situation arises and says, "Will the real You please stand up," jump to your feet, hold your head high, and with joy reply, "Here I am, you lucky people!" :)  And the rest of us will the better because of it.  So will You.

Betty White, Snickers Bars, and Your Personal Identity

The Commercial Have you seen the 30 second TV commercial with actress Betty White and Snickers candy bars?  It was introduced during the 2010 Super Bowl.  It's an interesting portrayal of personal identity.  Watch it:

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uA7-31Cxc2I&w=560&h=349]

The Snickers Identity Paradigm

The ad's a great example of how so often we see others by what they're doing on the outside.  Their identity is their performance.  If you're not playing football very well we see you as a Betty White (although I would have had second thoughts about playing ball against a younger Betty White--she's got the spirit!).  "Come on, man, don't be such a wuss!  Get it together and start playing like a man!"  If you're really good (which is to say, proficient, skillful, aggressive), then we see you as your "real" self.  Our culture bases everything about identity on externals.  Get that real job!  Drive that real car!  Make a real salary!  Date that real woman or man!  Buy a real house!  Wear that power suit!  Carry that real purse or wear those real shoes!  Show your stuff (whatever "stuff" is) and stop wimping around!

And if you're just not "manifesting" it rightly, then eat a Snickers bar and turn yourself back into a real man or woman!  Notice the interesting solution to being your "true self":  a candy bar (or whatever external things the advertisers are offering).

You and I are tempted every day to buy into this perspective on identity and reality.  If we can just manifest the right outside and external world, we can be satisfied that all is right with the world, we are who we're suppose to be.  So our identity is held captive to what we can or cannot manifest on the outside.

Some Drawbacks

But here are a couple of big dangers with this paradigm.  One, if you base your identity on what you can manifest in your life (the externals like people, things, circumstances), then you never have a solid foundation for your self esteem.  Your identity is dependent upon what happens on the outside.  And so your self esteem fluctuates based upon circumstances created by either you or others.  Your self esteem and personal identity are victimized by the fluctuations of whatever's happening to you or by you.  Definitely not a very secure way to live.

And two, it becomes easy to put yourself down or to put others down who aren't manifesting everything you think you or they should.  You can guilt people by saying, "If you just would get your thoughts right, you should be able to do it.  So if you're not doing it, there's something wrong with you!"

It's so subtle how our attitudes impact our sense of self and our expectations of others.

An Alternative Paradigm:  Secure Identity and Inner Peace

There's an alternative way to live that produces far more confidence, assurance, and solid peace.  Notice this statement from scripture:

"Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace."  (2 Corinthians 4:16)

Now considering the context of this statement, the significance of it increases dramatically.  The author is writing to people who have developed the insidious belief that your external world validates who you are.  The worldview was that if you were experiencing a life of success, ease, and prosperity that was a sign that you were being blessed by the divine universe.  And being blessed by God was always manifested by a life of prosperity.  They claimed that the condition of your external world indicated your personal identity and your status with the gods.

But author Paul is trying to counter that popular paradigm by describing his own life.  When he talks about looking like things are falling apart, he's painting a pretty graphic picture of his life experience:

"You know for yourselves that we're not much to look at. We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken. What they did to Jesus, they do to us—trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, he does in us—he lives! Our lives are at constant risk for Jesus' sake, which makes Jesus' life all the more evident in us. While we're going through the worst, you're getting in on the best!"  (2 Corinthians 4:8-12)

Notice his juxtaposition of external circumstances and internal attitude and identity.  Even though his external life would appear to be a complete failure, falling apart at the seams, his sense of identity and security with himself and with God are completely secure.  There's an internal sense of peace and certainty that pervades his mind and heart.  He is describing himself as possessing true life in its deepest and most meaningful sense, a life that God is continually creating and recreating in him.  And the more centered he finds himself in this internal life, the more grounded he finds himself in how he faces his external world.

And he ends that paragraph with a sentence describing another truism (did you notice it?):  our internal attitude does impact our external environment with others.  As Paul centered himself on inner peace that he allows God to create within him in the midst of external chaos, he blesses others with that environment of peace, too, giving them opportunity to experience inner peace for themselves.  It may not still the storms swirling all around, but it does provide inner calm and centeredness which is contagious.

Our True Miracle

That's the true miracle we all are needing.  Being able to live life with the continual unfolding of divine grace within us, where God is making a new life every day--not based upon what people think about us or even what we're tempted to think about ourselves based upon what we have or don't have, do or don't do, but based upon what God gives us inside--an nonfluctuating identity as a child of God embued with eternal value because of that stamp of love on our souls.  The ability to live in love rather than fear is the greatest miracle of all.  That should be our highest manifestation in life.  And it certainly has the power to impact others with a spirit of peace and love, too.

By today's standards based upon the Law of Attraction, Paul would be considered a real failure.  And yet Paul is completely confident in who he is, what God is doing in his life, and his courageous living of his purpose.

Marianne Williamson, author and spiritual teacher, puts it this way:  "We're not asking for something outside us to change, but for something inside us to change.  We're looking for a softer orientation to life...Everything we do is infused with the energy with which we do it.  If we're frantic, life will be frantic.  If we're peaceful, life will be peaceful.  And so our goal in any situation becomes inner peace.  Our internal state determines our experience of our lives; our experiences do not determine our internal state."  (Marianne Williamson, A Return To Love, p. 66)

So build your identity, your sense of self and esteem and worth, on a foundation that remains secure, that outside circumstances and people cannot destroy.  So whether you have much in life that you truly want or have very little, you still are rich--you are grounded on the eternal truth of your being as a child of the God of the universe and nothing can take that away.

What are the internal changes and transformations you're experiencing in your life these days?  Are you clear of your identity and what it's based upon?  Do you possess a centered and grounded sense of who you are and where your value comes from?  Do you have that "softer orientation to life" that comes from living with love instead of fear?  Do you have a peace and security regardless of what's happening in your external world?

Next time I find myself face down on the muddy football field, and others think I'm playing ball like Betty White, I think I need to stick something more substantial into my soul than a Snickers bar.

The King's Speech and the Importance of Finding Your Voice, Part 1: The Story

My wife and I recently watched the Academy Award-winning "The King's Speech."  It was research for the March series we're doing in our spiritual community Second Wind ("Looking at Life Through the Oscar Stories" in which we're using four of the Oscar-winning movies to  talk about life, spirituality, and transformation).  The King's Speech was one of the most inspiring movies I've seen in a long time.  I laughed, cried, cringed, hoped, committed - all in one movie.  I was pleased that it won four Academy Awards for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, and Best Screenplay.  Well deserved!  If you haven't seen it yet, by all means do.  The implications from the story are profound. "The King's Speech" tells the story of a man compelled to speak to the world when he doesn’t feel like he’s ever found his voice his entire life – when he feels he doesn’t have anything worthwhile to say and whenever he does say something the words choke in his throat and emerge at times with a stammer.  To face a radio microphone and know the British Empire is listening must be terrifying. At the time of the speech mentioned in this title, a quarter of the Earth's population is in the Empire, and of course much of North America, Europe, Africa and Asia would be listening — and with particular attention, Germany with its charismatic and powerful speech maker Adolf Hitler.

The king is George VI (Colin Firth). The year is 1939. Britain is finally entering into war with Germany. His subjects long for reassurance and hope.  They require firmness, clarity and resolve, not stammers punctuated with tortured silences. This is a man who never wanted to be king. After the death of his father, the throne was to pass to his older brother Edward (Guy Pierce). But Edward ends up renouncing the throne in order to marry the woman he loves. The weight and duty of the royal throne suddenly fall on the lagging shoulders of Prince Albert, Bertie as his family calls him, who has struggled with his self-esteem and speech from an early age.

With England on the brink of war and in desperate need of a leader, the King’s wife, Elizabeth (Helena Bonham Carter), the future Queen Mother, arranges for her husband to see an eccentric speech therapist, Lionel Logue (Geoffrey Rush). After a rough start, the two delve into an unorthodox course of treatment and eventually form an unbreakable bond. With the support of Logue, his family, his government and Winston Churchill (Timothy Spall), the King has to face himself, his insecurities, his lack of confidence, his painful speech impediments, and claim his true voice in order to deliver a radio-address that will need to inspire the people of his empire and unite them in battle.

This is the true story of one man’s quest to find his voice and of those closest to him who help him find it.

As the red light in the King's broadcast room begins blinking to signal the momentous moment for the royal global broadcast, Lional notices how nervous the King is and  says to him,  "Forget everything else and just say it to me."

Over the next three posts, I'd like to unpack that statement in terms of the process of both finding your individual unique voice and expressing that voice with courage and effectiveness.