How would you rate your performance on a day to day basis? I'm talking about how you're performing in the various areas of your life--your work, your significant relationships, your spirituality, other areas. Are you satisfied with your progress? Discontented? Proud? Ashamed? Indifferent? Maybe you don't even think about it? Or when you do, you feel guilty for not doing more?
I've noticed that for so many of us how we're doing isn't a huge reflection theme. People tend to allow themselves to be on "autopilot"--they just do what they need to do and, most of the time, when they need to do it. No real thought. Just do it.
Others of us do reflect or evaluate ourselves. But our focus tends to be negative evaluation--we never quite measure up to our expectations or what we think others expect of us. So we often feel guilty or less than--especially when we compare ourselves to others.
But we can't allow the meaning we attach to self-evaluation to keep us from the practice of self-evaluation.
Why? Because without self-reflection, we can never improve or gain momentum or achieve our deepest desires. We'll never accurately identify what it is that needs improvement.
Instead of letting our focus fixate on how we feel about how we're doing, we need to be willing to honestly look at our progress and then make strategic choices to learn and move forward more effectively.
I read a significant piece of research about what qualities set apart the most successful people from the rest (based upon surveying 50,286 360-degree evaluations conducted over the last five years on 4,158 individual contributors). I'm finding this to be true with the clients I work with, too. The research identifies 9 skills. I'm going to list the top two qualities ranked in that order--the top two skills that make the most difference.
#1--Set stretch goals and adopt high standards for yourself.
I'm finding that this is a theme many people just don't entertain. Stretch goals.
The challenge is that this skill assumes that you are already establishing goals for yourself in the first place (which is, by the way, vital to maximizing your entire experience of life).
What is it specifically that you really want to do in your life? How do you want to utilize and apply the strengths you have in your life? What specific things do you want to accomplish so that when you do reach those goals you actually know it, you can measure it, you can see it? If you don't know what you're wanting, then you can never know when you've gotten it. Right?
But this number one distinguishing behavior goes even beyond that. It's taking wants, desires, goals to the next level--stretching those standards for yourself; pushing yourself to go beyond where you've gone before.
For example. In my last month, I've set some big stretch goals for myself. I first made a list of people I know in corporations, businesses, organizations, and churches. I identified specific contacts I have within those groups. My goal: send them my strengths coaching one sheet that describes the work I do with leaders, teams, and groups in maximizing people and multiplying performance.
This is a good goal. But in itself, it isn't a stretch goal. So I actually took the next bolder step by stating: I'm going to make 3 contacts every day (15-20 every week). I've never been that intentional before in this area, giving myself numeric contact goals.
I can tell you, doing these stretch goals have created more energy and more forward momentum for me in this part of my work. I can measure my progress on the spreadsheet I developed to chart this process. I can evaluate what's working and what's not working and then make necessary changes to my process. And it also holds me accountable.
QUESTIONS: When is the last time you feel like you really stretched yourself, pushed yourself to a bigger or higher level/standard? Do you know what that would look like in any area of your life? Have you stated some expectations for yourself that go beyond what's normal for you or beyond where you've gone before or even beyond what others think you can do? What would that look like specifically?
#2--Work collaboratively.
Successful people have learned the strategic significance of working with other people in order to accomplish their big goals.
Successful people don't operate under the delusion that they have to make everything great in their lives happen by themselves.
Successful people don't buy into the omni-competent superman myth. They have developed a humble, honest, confident perspective about themselves that recognizes they don't have all the strengths needed to be successful.
So they bring others into their daily orbit who can contribute in the areas of their personal gaps, complementing their strengths with strengths they don't themselves possess.
For example. To achieve my own stretch goals I shared above, I realized that I couldn't do this on my own. I needed to collaborate with others. This is an area of growth for me.
So I chose not to begin with cold calls (although there's nothing wrong with cold calling and I will perhaps end up doing that, too). I began with people I already know and who know me, people who respect what I can contribute and who are willing to step forward and make connections for me.
For example. My wife Shasta is one of the most productive and effective people I know. She uses her strengths in remarkable and maximizing ways to accomplish so much good in the world. She sets stretch goals all the time.
Consequently, she is also very strategic and smart in how she goes about meeting her stretch goals. She collaborates and networks with a wide range of people. She has developed a large team of people in her life who believe in her and what she's trying to do and are willing to use their strengths to help her. She asks for their help. This collaborative mentality empowers her to accomplish way more than she could on her own.
I find this skill to be hugely significant for all my clients if they are going to be effective in moving their lives forward toward what they're truly wanting for themselves.
If you want to stretch, you have to collaborate.
QUESTIONS: So ask yourself, who are people you know who could contribute their skills and strengths to helping you accomplish some of your big goals? Would you be willing to ask them to collaborate with you? Would you honor their strengths by asking for their specific contribution in your life? Are there identifiable steps with your goals that you could actually delegate to someone else?
At the end of one of my coaching sessions recently, my client remarked, "Man, this process is so valuable for me. I haven't done this much reflection, evaluation, and strategizing for my life ever. I love the momentum I'm feeling and seeing. I actually think I'm going to make my vision for my life happen!"
That's the power of practicing strategic reflection and evaluation about what matters most in life. You start moving there. And in the end, isn't that what we all truly want for ourselves--to know where there is and to get there well?
If you'd like to have a short phone call to talk with me about how this could work in your life, email me. I'm happy to arrange that call with you.
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Looking for a Speaker or Coach?
If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for a keynote speaker or workshop teacher for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it. And interested in strengths coaching? Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com or look at the Speaking or Coaching pages of this site.
Is there anything in your life you would like to change? Perhaps a habit? Or a goal that you want to accomplish that you believe will make your life better in some tangible ways? Or to change a behavior or mindset that no longer is serving you well? I have yet to meet a person who is 100% satisfied with everything in their life. We all have dreams, desires, hopes for something better, to improve some area of our lives, to move forward toward a more preferred future.
All of my coaching clients hire me because, though they are already successful people, they have areas they want to work on and move forward and improve--whether it's developing greater clarity about a job transition, or developing more effective leadership skills, or identifying some personal dreams that they want to pursue to bring more fulfillment and meaning to their already busy lives, or to design a more purposeful and effective spiritual path that brings them greater peace and a sense of groundedness and life balance, or to improve their most important relationships.
In all these cases, one of the issues I emphasize is momentum. Life change develops most effectively when momentum is increased. In other words, once you begin the process of change (whatever the change is) building forward movement toward where you're wanting to go is crucial to both initiating change and establishing effective and long term change. Momentum.
In fact, one of my clients--an executive in a fast-growing firm in the finance industry--hired me (after interviewing multiple coaches) precisely because I used the word "momentum" in describing what my work with clients is designed to build. That's exactly what he was wanting for his life.
So let me suggest 3 specific steps you should take to build momentum for the things you want to change or accomplish in your life that truly matter to you.
Step 1: Identify What You Really Want
Setting very specific intentions (goals) is the first crucial step. Make it clear. And make sure it is an authentic expression of your deep desires. Focus first on the feeling you're wanting to experience that this change or goal will produce.
Why start with your feelings? Because feelings are more powerful intentions than simple behaviors. Feeling actually drive actions. You choose certain behaviors because--if you were to truly analyze it--you want to feel a certain way. Right? So start with the feeling you want.
Then choose behaviors that will get you to that feeling. Specific actions.
Don't get fixated on one specific action. Truth is, multiple actions can produce the same feeling you're desiring. Hold tactics (actions) with an open hand. If one isn't working for you, change to another one. Emphasize the feeling.
Step 2: Break Your Steps Down Into Small, Doable Increments
Sometimes we're tempted to think too big. And then we get overwhelmed because the goal looms large over our heads. And then we're tempted to give up.
Successful people know how to break their steps into small increments that are doable on a regular basis.
One of my clients recently, in describing his goal and the process he was using to get there, put it in a very profound way:
"What can I do today to shift the needle by tomorrow?"
I like his emphasis. The word "shift" isn't talking about some huge, quantum leap forward. It's a small, even slight movement.
Keep it small and simple. All you're looking for is a shift in the needle day by day.
Step 3: Take Steps Regularly & Religiously
This is the strategy to building effective momentum. Consistency.
Jim Collins, in one of the most widely read business and productivity books in the last 13 years, Good To Great, calls this process the fly wheel principle. When at first you try to push a huge flywheel, you meet lots of resistance. It's difficult. Laborious. But you keep pushing and turning the flywheel. With great effort you keep pushing. And with every push and spin, the flywheel begins to pick up momentum. If you stay with this process, ultimately its momentum becomes a self sustaining power that moves it forward, on and on.
"Good to great comes about by a cumulative process--step by step, action by action, decision by decision, turn by turn of the flywheel--that adds up to sustained and spectacular results." (p. 165)
The amazing thing is that often onlookers, who see what you've accomplished, think you've gotten there in one big step. They're impressed and in awe. They congratulate you. They want to know the secret of your success so they ask, "What was the one big push that caused you to get here so fast?"
But those of us doing this kind of work know that that is a nonsensical question. Was it the first push? The second? The fifth? The hundredth? No!
"It was all of them added together in an overall accumulation of effort applied in consistent direction. Some pushes may have been bigger than others, but any single heave--no matter how large--reflects a small fraction of the entire cumulative effective upon the flywheel." (p. 165)
Summary. Three nonnegotiable steps to creating the kind of momentum that gets you where you want to go: 1) clearly identify what you really want and how you want to feel, 2) break your steps down into small, doable increments, 3) and take those steps regularly and religiously (keep turning the flywheel and don't stop).
One of the great rewards of my work is creating the space for people where they can engage in this process, giving them accountability and encouragement every step of the way, and then seeing them create the kind of life they truly want.
I see it every time: after pushing on that flywheel in a consistent direction over an extended period of time, they inevitably hit a point of breakthrough. Change happens. Transformation. And they begin experiencing the joy of living the life they truly want, the one that matters most to them.
Action: If you would like to have a short phone conversation with me about how this could work for you with something that you're feeling the need to address in your life, email me and I'll work out a time to visit. It could set up the breakthrough you're really looking for.
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Looking for a Speaker or Coach?
If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for a keynote speaker or workshop teacher for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it. And interested in strengths coaching? Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com or look at the Speaking or Coaching pages of this site.
Last week's blog post described the hamster wheel kind of life that so many people find themselves caught up in. It's the vicious cycle that can't seem to stop. So we live in exhaustion, discouragement, lack of energy and inspiration, and a sense of being victims to our schedules and environments. A terrible and unhealthy way to live! The good news is that there are two ways to strategically move beyond this painful cycle. Last week's blog described the first strategy: get clear on your identity and what your identity is based upon. Click here to read that post!
I'm illustrating both strategies with the ancient story of the Jews' experience of slavery in Egypt under a cruel Pharaoh and his slave masters. Here is the second significant strategy.
Strategy # 2: Get Clear About the Difference Between Energy vs. Time
The Jews were giving most of their time to the Pharaoh via the slave masters. They were forced to produce bricks, at the risk of death should they stop. They were in a losing battle if time were the only resource available to them.
But every seventh day, they did something counter-intuitive. They stopped. They rested. It was called Sabbath. So what?
The way Sabbath was structured for them was that this was a very intentional time to remember their true identity. they were not primarily slaves to a human taskmaster. They were children of Yahweh, the God who had called them and claimed them--who had chosen them, not because of how "cool" they were, not because of how good they performed or how much they produced, but simply because God chose them to belong to the God of the universe.
Their identity was based upon a stable truth:
"We are chosen, valuable human beings simply for being. We are called for a special purpose. We are not slaves. We are free. And we're moving in our history toward the ultimate liberation of living in perfect congruence with our given freedom. Our task masters can take away our time. But they cannot take away our mindset, our identity, our humanness. We control that. And we choose freedom, even while we're having to work painfully for cruel masters!"
Develop Reinforcing Rituals & Practices
So every seven days, on the Sabbath, they remembered, they realigned their mental picture, they stepped into that reality. How? By engaging in practices and celebrations and rituals that reinforced the truth about themselves, that re-energized their sagging souls and aching bodies.
The power of this kind of regular ritual and practice is that the emphasis is not on time as much as it is on energy.
Time is a finite resource. We only have 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
So if we based our experience on managing our time, no matter how important that is, we are in a losing battle.
But energy is renewable. When we learn to manage it, steward it effectively, we can not only sustain our capacity we can increase our capacity.
Engaging in Energy Boosters
So my client and I began a conversation that he described as the most important thing he's done. We identified rituals and practices he could engage in that would renew his energy. He creatively conceived of "mini-sabbaths" into which he could step and feel a boost, remember his true self, pay attention to his soul, renew his energy.
Energy boosters. Even if it was taking out his "dusty" harmonica and playing it for 10 minutes. Even if it was catching up on his New Yorker magazine for 10 minutes, reading what he enjoyed. Even if it meant going to the bar every week to enjoy Trivia night with his friends. Energy boosters.
When we neglect positive energy boosters in our lives, when we disregard positive rituals and practices that remind ourselves of who we really are, we degenerate into nothing more than "slaves to a task master" of our never-ending work or the demanding expectations of others in our lives. We give up control. And then we slip into a victim mindset. It's a losing battle, every single time!
Make Your List Now
So make a list right now. What are activities you can schedule regularly (daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly) that give you positive energy when you do them? If you can actually schedule them into your calendar, then you won't have to waste brain energy by always having to think through when you want to do them.
If you don't do that, I guarantee you your busy schedule will trump your rituals & energy boosters every time. Put them into your calendar so that they simply come regularly without serious planning and forethought so all your energy can be used in actually engaging and being present when that time comes.
You'll find yourself moving steadily from a "slave" mentality to a liberation mentality. You'll be in control again; you'll reclaim sovereignty over your time and energy and life. That's a far better way to live!
Does it ever feel like your job is sucking the soul out of you? Is your work environment fueling a sense of powerlessness where you feel you're being mastered rather than the other way around--you've become a slave to the master of your work--you're trapped in a never-ending cycle of demands from everyone around you, urgent needs and To Do's, so you're drained of all energy at the end of the day? And this habitual pattern has repeated itself for years until you feel like there's no hope for anything better? Do you feel like you're on the proverbial hamster wheel, running and running and running, expending all your energy but really getting nowhere? One of my clients was feeling this way in deep and profound ways when he came to me. "What do I do? Is there anything I can do to get out of this vicious cycle?" he asked plaintively. "I've lost all of my passion and creativity! Can I get it back?"
One of the first things I did was affirm his courage and gumption to come see me. That in itself was a positive proactive step he was choosing in order to take back his life.
So many people get to that hamster wheel space and simply cave in to the feeling of being a victim: "There's nothing I can do about it. The never-ending demands are simply not things I have any control over. I mean, if I want this job, I have to put up with this vicious cycle."
But here's the thing: you are never a victim to your life!
True, you may work for an awful boss. Your team members might all act like jerks. You may never get affirmed and appreciated for your hard work. Colleagues may steal your ideas and take the credit. More and more work might keep getting dumped on you when you're already overwhelmed.
But you are never a victim to your life!
Here's what I mean by this. There are always areas of your life where you can and must take back your power and control. Let me prioritize the two most important ones: your Identity and your Energy. You simply cannot compromise on either of these without terrible consequences.
Identity
Our temptation is to equate our sense of identity with our work.
When someone asks us what we do, we typically say, "I'm a [and then state our job title or type of work]."
But notice that we're using an "I am" statement. That's a statement of being which is woefully incorrect and unhealthy.
The truth is, our job is simply something we do in our lives. It's not who we are. Huge distinction.
Unless we get this fundamental identity issue right, we'll always feel we lack control over our lives since we spend so much time at work under the direction and often control of a supervisor or boss or manager. Right? Even if you're a CEO you're still under the direction of the Board--you answer to them, in the end. Even if you're a self-employed entrepreneur, you're still answerable to your clients.
To take back control of your life, you must be clear on your identity and where it comes from.
Remember the Jews who moved to the land of Egypt in order to escape the terrible famine in their land. They ended up being subjugated in slavery to Pharaoh for over 300 hundred years. Their cruel task masters lorded control over their lives by forcing them to build bricks for the pyramids.
So what was their identity challenge? Their temptation was to view themselves as no more than slaves to another master. All they were valuable for was production and daily quotas. They felt powerless because in many ways they were powerless. They felt victims to their circumstances. They were slaves.
When I told this story to my client, he immediately resonated.
"That's exactly how I feel--like a slave to another master. I feel out of control. My whole identity is consumed around my work and how much and how well I produce. And so often I don't feel like I'm producing enough or I'm not producing enough quality and creativity. I feel like a loser or imposter."
Can you relate to that? I certainly can. I find it easy at times to slip back into this mindset of, "I don't think I'm good enough. I feel like a nobody. I'm not successful enough. I'm not producing value enough. Therefore I am not enough."
So the Jews had to get clear about their true identity. And in their environment, that was a gargantuan challenge!
What helped them get clear? What did they do to take back control for their lives in the most fundamental area?
Here's the next significant issue. It's engaging in strategies that empower us to align ourselves with our true identity.
Stay tuned for the next post. Effective living is all about energy management, not time management.
Here Are Some Reflection Questions for You to Answer (try writing your reflections down on paper or computer):
How would you state your personal identity? What words do you use to describe who you are at your very core, beyond what you do every day or the work or profession you have? What gives you your value? What are your true core values that drive your choices (the North Stars by which you navigate your paths forward)? Finish this identity sentence: "My value is in the truth that I am ..."
Be clear on your identity!
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Looking for a Speaker or Coach?
If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for a keynote speaker or workshop teacher for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it. And interested in strengths coaching? Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com or look at the Speaking or Coaching pages of this site.
Success is a double-edged sword. It produces great things. But it also exacerbates busyness and over stimulation. The pressures and demands increase dramatically with success. And the proverbial “burning the candles at both ends” becomes more and more a reality with painful consequences. What have many successful people learned to do about this?
One of my clients came to me dealing with deep uncertainty about himself. His lack of confidence was at an all-time low. He was de-energized at work and that was bleeding into the rest of his life. He was having a difficult time making proactive decisions. He felt stuck, almost paralyzed in his creative work. And the more stuck he felt, the more he withdrew and didn't give his best contributions. "How do I find my place of confidence and self esteem again?" he asked me with deep sincerity.
He was experiencing what I call Identity Drift.
What Is Identity Drift?
Identity Drift is when
Have you ever felt some of those things? If so, you're not alone. Many of us are caught up in Identity Drift.
What Are Consequences of Identity Drift?
The consequences are painful:
So what can you do if you find yourself caught in Identity Drift? How do you stop the drift? Here are several suggestions.
5 Ways to Stop Identity Drift
Know your strengths
Because your strengths are based on your natural preferences (specific wiring in your brain), when you discover them, embrace them, and pay attention to them, you are placing yourself right in the middle of your true Self. They are accurate descriptions of who you are and how you best live your life. Leaning into your strengths places you in alignment with authenticity.
Identify how you're currently using your strengths in your every day life
The more aware you become of how you're using your strengths, the more competent and confident you become. Paying attention and developing awareness are key.
Keep a diary in which you record evidences of strengths-based behaviors you engage in during the day
Increasing awareness and consciousness of your strengths increases exponentially when you keep a record of you behaviors and actions that manifest your strengths. And every time you write a note describing an action, you're increasing your sense of self and your confidence in your abilities to live well.
Stop comparing yourself to others
Reducing Identity Drift comes about by focusing on yourself not on others. When we're drifting, we tend to compare and think that we should be more like others (since we're not very clear on who we are). But we need to stop confusing ourselves. We need to pay more attention to how we're strong and how we use those strengths.
Intentionalize ways to step into your strengths more frequently
Start identifying specific actions you can take that are genuine expressions of all your strengths. Write them down. Look at them every day. Set one behavior goal each day based upon one of your strengths. Why? When you're using your strengths in authentic ways you increase your sense of self, confidence, and personal energy. You're aligning more deeply with the way your brain is wired. You're rediscovering some very core pieces of what makes you uniquely You.
When you choose to become the expert of your strengths, you are making the decision to step more fully into who You are. I have yet to see someone who makes this a priority not recover their personal confidence and core power again. The drift lessens little by little until it finally stops.
So go ahead, leverage the real You by embracing what makes you unique and intentionally choosing to live that out, expressing it more fully!
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Upcoming Work About How to Build Your Strongest Marriage or Committed Relationship
There is such a thing as Marriage Identity Drift--when two people lose their sense of couple identity--they simply float along without any energy or confidence in their couple presence. If you want to experience my strengths process in your marriage or committed relationship, check out the upcoming workshop I'm giving on this. Go to Events for more information and registration details. Registration deadline is this coming Monday, March 17. Space is limited to 10 couples.
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Looking for a Speaker or Coach?
If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for a keynote speaker or workshop teacher for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it. And interested in strengths coaching? Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com or look at the Speaking or Coaching pages of this site.
Remember the ancient story about David and Goliath? A young shepherd David going to battle against the enemy giant Goliath? He ends up killing Goliath with only a few smooth stones torpedoed by his leather slingshot. The part of the story that is particularly powerful is what happens before that final scene. The King, whose people are battling Goliath's army, calls David before his throne and offers his own personal body armor to wear to go up against the giant.
Now this is no small offer. The King has been a hugely successful warrior and leader of his people, achieving epic victories through the years. And he's always worn this special armor to protect himself and he's used the sacred sword to defeat his enemies. Now he offers them to David.
So David tries on the armor and the sword. But they don't fit him ... at all! He staggers and stumbles around under the weight of someone else's armory.
And now David makes the most strategic decision possible. The King and others see it as foolish. But David knows it's smart and courageous.
"Thanks for your generous offer, O King, but I have to go into battle in my own armor, using what I've always relied on and what I'm best at!"
So David goes to face the giant, dressed in his shepherd's clothing, and holding in his hand the weapon that has brought him success in protecting his sheep against the wild animals in the wilderness--a leather slingshot and some smooth stones.
And the rest is history.
Here's the point. When it comes to facing your life well, the most effective, strategic decision you can make is to stand in your own armor, not someone else's.
Why? Because standing in your armor is when you're at your strongest, most powerful, and fulfilled place. It's all about strategic energy management.
I'm talking about your brain function and its natural preferences.
Brain Function and Natural Preferences
Your brain is wired with neuronal synapses--connections between cells (neurons) that produce certain behaviors. By the time you're sixteen years old, you've lost half of these networks (billions and billions)--thankfully--otherwise, you would as an adult be like a small child frozen in sensory overload. So in this case, less is more.
By your teenage years, the synapses that have remained are the ones from which are created your talents, your natural preferences.
Your smartness and your effectiveness depend on how well you capitalize on your strongest connections.
As Marcus Buckingham puts it,
"Nature forces you to shut down billions of connections precisely so that you can be freed up to exploit the ones remaining."
So you begin to notice that when you engage in certain behaviors and reactions, they just "feel right" to you, while others, no matter how hard you practice, always seem stilted and forced. This is good and as it should be.
Strategic energy management is all about utilizing and building on your natural preferences. That's the most energy efficient.
Brain experts remind us that when we are operating outside of our natural brain preferences, our brains are expending 100 times the level of resistance; as contrasted to when we are leading with our natural preferences which expends 1 times the level of resistance. So which way is more energy efficient?
T1 vs. Dial-up Connections
It's like connecting our computers with a hyper-fast T1 line versus an old dial-up connection. Which works better? Which is more efficient? Which has the greatest speed and productivity?
Living our lives from a place of personal natural preference is the T1 connection. Living life trying to be something we're not is the ancient dial-up connection.
And the consequences of "dial-up" is devastating: fatigue, hyper-vigilance, immune system suppression, reduced function of the frontal lobe (the thinking, processing, evaluating, and creativity brain center), memory problems, discouragement and depression, self-esteem problems, high levels of ongoing stress. We are literally killing ourselves prematurely.
Dr. Phil puts it this way,
"Ignoring who you truly, authentically are can literally be killing you. Forcing yourself to be someone you are not or stuffing down who you really are will tax you so much that it will shorten your life by years and years."
Why Strengths Work Is So Vital
This is why I value strengths work so much. It's about identifying our natural preferences and then discovering specific ways we can utilize those strengths more intentionally. It's about validating and affirming each other's strengths (which really is a way of validating the true person in front of you and setting them free, via their T1 line, to be at their best and strongest place). It's about exploring together how each person's strengths can be brought together with the other person's strengths and strategically managed and leveraged in ways that help the couple to be at their strongest, most effective relational place--discovering the relationship's T1 line.
Imagine what happens when couples approach their relationship from this vantage point--the affirmation and honoring of each other's most authentic self, and then building a relationship on this strongest of strong foundations. It's allowing each other to wear the right armor as opposed to forcing them to wear something else. It's identifying the couple's unique armor and then together going into battle to face the giants of life. That's the way giants are battled successfully.
Here's the way one couple I did this strengths work with described their experience:
"My husband and I have been married for 14 years and have worked through our share of challenges during that time. Working with Greg helped us re-kindle the spark that we had lost track of during those challenges. We now have a renewed vision of why we're together and how to honor and leverage each of our strengths in exciting ways. Thank-you, Greg!"
I'm teaching a strengths workshop for couples about these very issues (March 23, 1-5 pm, San Francisco, CA). Registration deadline is March 17. And it's limited to 10 couples. If you're interested, go to this link for more information: Strengths-based Couples.
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Looking for a Speaker or Coach?
If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for a keynote speaker or workshop teacher for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it. And interested in strengths coaching? Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com or look at the Speaking or Coaching pages of this site.
I was finishing a coaching session with a couple and decided to ask the question, "So which of your strengths would you like your partner to ask you to contribute to your marriage more often?" What followed was 45 minutes of profound, deep, honest, heartfelt sharing between both of them.
She stated that from the beginning of their marriage, when she had tried to organize and activate him around one of their tasks, he had told her not to nag him.
"I realized at that moment that because I never wanted to be a nag in our relationship, I simply stopped contributing my strong achiever strengths. But I realize right now that I am extremely strong in being able to activate things, get things done and organized. I really want you to ask me to use those strengths on our behalf as a couple, for our sake together."
He looked at her, some tears in his eyes, and said, "I can see that now - this is your area of powerful strength. You were being sensitive to my feelings. But now I want you to know that I deeply honor your strengths and I want to ask you to use them freely on our behalf, to make us even stronger than we are."
In turn, he said to her, "I want you to ask me - to trust my deeply relational strengths - to use my abilities to pull people in, to go deeper with people, to include and help build deeper relationships, even in our relationship with each other. I want to know that you truly honor and respect these strengths and their wisdom in me. I want you to ask me to use them even more."
I sat there, realizing that I was witnessing a powerful sacred moment - two people truly "seeing" each other, truly being seen by each other - two people honoring and respecting the pure goodness and strength in each other.
I've seen again and again that this is what happens when couples take the time to
It's a powerful things to observe!
That's why I'm offering a four hour workshop to help lead couples through this kind of experience and process together (and it also includes a personalized 90 minute skype session with me after the workshop). The potential of building an even stronger relationship is powerful, especially when you focus on your strengths. It's about learning how to leverage your strengths in a way that transforms your relationship from mere survival to thriving. Who among us wouldn't want that for the most important relationship in our lives?
Go to the Events page on my site for more information.
No matter how long you've been in your committed relationship, no matter your age, no matter your hang ups, healthy and strong relationships take intentionality, focus, honesty, and energy. This workshop will offer you that space and some important tools to engage with each other. And it will be fun, informative, and possibly even transformational.
Both of you are worth it! And so is your relationship! Feel free to share this opportunity with others you know.
______________________________
Looking for a Speaker or Coach?
If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for a keynote speaker or workshop teacher for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it. And interested in strengths coaching? Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com or look at the Speaking or Coaching pages of this site.
Have you noticed that most of our new year's resolutions center around stated behaviors, action steps, goals? It certainly makes some sense - after all, we're trying to engage in actions that are important to us. But often times, we don't ask the next set of questions. What is it we're hoping those actions will help us feel? What do we truly want to feel as we go through our lives this year?
Stop and think about it. What you're really wanting when you set a goal is a certain way of feeling. Right?
We choose to engage in certain actions and behaviors (we establish goals and intentions) because we really want to feel something specific and good. Underneath every goal is a desired feeling.
For example, one of my goals is to increase my public speaking engagements this year. Why? Just to do more speaking? I do get a lot of joy and fulfillment from public speaking! But there's a deeper issue. Because I want to feel significant. I want to feel enthralled (which comes from using my strengths in a broader setting that puts me in my "zone," my wheelhouse of abilities). I want to feel like I'm making an increasingly bigger difference in the world, in people's lives.
And as it turns out, it's our feelings that are actually the most powerful drivers behind our aspirations.
The Neuroscience Behind Feelings
Here's how: the brain pathways for emotions make their way directly to the areas that generate attention (and vice versa). In other words, the way we feel - and our choices to feel certain emotions - can powerfully direct our attention. And where we direct our attention produces that outcome - our brains automatically begin developing a map ("motor maps/action plans") for how to make that happen. Attention is what brings to life our intentions.
For example, people who are anxious are more prone to identifying anxiety-provoking or fearful things than people who are not. What's the outcome?
"What I often tell people is that when they spend their lives in dread, they are writing an invitation to the feared outcome rather than preventing it." (Life Unlocked: 7 Revolutionary Lessons to Overcome Fear, p. 55, by Dr. Srinivasan S. Pillay, assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and executive coach)
The point is, the reverse holds equally true. When you choose to focus on positive feelings, you activate your attention which in turn activates your intention. Feelings are the most powerful drivers behind our aspirations.
My Practice of Focusing on Feeling Words
So here's what I've been doing the last few years:
Step one: I look at a list of feeling words and allow any of those words to jump out at me. Which ones are speaking to me right now? Which ones seem to be calling out to me - feelings that I'm wanting to feel more deeply than others this year? I make a list of 3-5 feeling words. If your list is longer, go through that list and keep narrowing it down until you reach 3-5.
Here's the list I use: Feeling Words
Step two: I write a one-two sentence definition of each word. By specifying a definition, I'm bringing greater clarity to why this feeling word is really resonating with me. And the more clarity I have, the more targeted and powerful my attention is and therefore the more possible my intention becomes.
Questions to ask: What does this word really mean to me? What does the word feel like? What are examples of this feeling word? Why is it valuable to me? Why do I want to feel this way this year? What is it about this word that is calling out to me?
Step three: I make a list of 3-5 accomplishments (intentions) for each feeling word that I believe if I engage in them will help me feel that way. And I like to break those intentions down like this (thanks to blogger Danielle LaPorte for this idea):
Three things I will do today to generate these feelings; Three things I will do this week to generate these feelings; Three things I will do this quarter to generate these feelings.
Step four: I share my list with several trusted people a) so I can stay focused - sharing deepens impact, and b) so I can have accountability with my process as the year goes by.
What I Want to Feel More Of in 2014
Here's the way my list turned out for 2014 (in case some of this might stimulate your creativity): MY 2014 FEELING WORDS
Every time I read my list of words, my inner spirit jumps up, I feel real positive energy inside, and hope increases as I anticipate the year. It's keeping me focused on what's most important to me. And I can already tell these feelings, and my attention on them, are driving forward my intentions.
I challenge you to do this process, too. And let me know what your feeling words are for 2014.
______________________________
Looking for a Speaker or Coach?
If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for a keynote speaker or workshop teacher for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it. And interested in strengths coaching? Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com.
Albert Einstein once made the astute observation:
“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
There are three points from Einstein's statement I want to unpack relating to what it means to living your strongest, most authentic life this new year.
First, everybody is a genius. That means you. That means me. That means the person next to you, too.
Does it feel that way to you? Does this statement resonate as truth to you?
Perhaps we have difficulty believing this truth about ourselves and others because we live in a culture that equates genius narrowly with IQ. Or we equate genius with a certain kind of thinking style (e.g. those who know how to work through complex mathematical equations or quick and astute problem solving). Or we were raised in a family that emphasized a certain style or kind of learning and since we didn't match that, we felt stupid. Or we were raised by emotionally stunted parents who were inherently insecure and took it out on us by putting us down and telling us we weren't worth much and wouldn't amount to much.
But I think Einstein is absolutely correct about people. Everybody is a genius in some area, especially in the arena of their own strengths.
Second, we must start measuring the right things to ascertain genius.
Truth is, fish simply can't climb trees. They're not designed for that (except for the Mangrove Killifish and several other types which wait out the dry season for several months on a low lying branch until the rainy season brings more water).
When is the last time you went to an aquarium, looked at the fish, and remarked disgustingly, "Stupid fish. Why aren't they up climbing trees! Instead, they're just content to swim around here under the water. Idiots!"
No, you and I don't judge fish for not climbing trees. We don't measure the genius of fish by whether they are climbing trees or not.
But think about how our culture is fixated on weakness--parents spend more time focusing on where their kids are failing or what the kids aren't doing enough of, managers spend more time trying to fix employees' weaknesses, politics obsesses on leaders' inabilities and mistakes, media fixates on what's wrong. Everybody gets judged for "not climbing trees."
When people are measured by the wrong standards, and they get judged by how far they are from that standard, what ultimately happens is people internalize this message "I'm stupid!" I've coached people who have that mental tape that plays every time they do something and can't do it well. "I'm stupid."
And they often never get to the possibility of realizing that in fact they're not stupid at all, they're simply being measured by the wrong standard.
We all have to do things we're not really good at. We have to manage around our weaknesses in order to fulfill our obligations and responsibilities.
But if we focus more time and energy on trying to improve our weaknesses to the exclusion of operating within and leveraging our strengths, we are draining unnecessary energy from our brains. And our emotional mood plummets. Our self esteem ultimately hits rock bottom. And the painful and vicious cycle spirals on.
And today, self esteem is at an all time low in individuals, organizations, and even regions. We don't feel good enough. We don't feel like we're ever measuring up.
Third, everybody is a genius in the arena of their strengths.
Coaching hundreds of people through the years, I've seen time and again that everyone is an expert in the area they're suppose to be an expert in, their strengths and how to use them.
One of the reasons why I love doing strengths coaching is because of the question we focus on: instead of asking, what's wrong with people and how do we fix it, the question is, what's right with people and how can they leverage it?
Those of us who work with the StrengthsFinder assessment (developed by the Gallup organization) which identifies a person's top five signature strengths know that there's a 1:34 million chance that someone else has the same top five strengths in the same order as you. This makes our individual genius amazingly unique and special.
Fish instinctively know how to swim and do underwater acrobats because they're designed and wired for underwater swimming. Some fish are wired to even fly out of the water, but they always go back under. They're water creatures and that's what we measure them by.
Once strengths are identified (and people do have to engage in the identification as they answer questions related to what behaviors they do that bring them energy and feelings of strength), everybody can increase their instinctive ability to know how to use them. And with coaching, they are able to establish new ways to both notice and leverage their strengths---conscious competence.
Latest Research Confirming the Significance of Strengths Living
The point of strengths work centers on the well-researched fact that when we focus on our strengths, we are 8 times more likely to be more engaged and more productive in what we're trying to do. We believe in ourselves more and live with more confidence which in turn increases effectiveness.
Here's some science to confirm this reality.
A recent blog post I read referred to some fascinating new studies using fMRI (functional magnetic resonance imaging) to track neural activity showing how focusing on your strengths
"arouses the parasympathetic nervous system, invoking cognitive, emotional, perceptual and behavioral openness and improving performance. It also creates the conditions for neurogenesis, allowing people to learn and develop new healthy habits and competencies."
By contrast, focusing on weaknesses arouses the sympathetic nervous system which increases your heart rate, raises your respiration, moves blood from one place (e.g., your digestive system) to another (your muscles), etc. These responses are all "arousal" responses which get you ready to fight or flee in times of danger---good for short term survival; terribly damaging for long term health.
Ways to Be Strengths-focused This Year
I'm challenging you to make 2014 the year of living your strengths in unprecedented ways. * Identify your strengths - take the test. * Notice how you're using them - make a list. * Establish how you can be even more intentional about using them in new ways (try planning goals this year around each of your strengths and keep track of how you're doing). * Learn about the strengths of the people in your life (at home, at work - I do a lot of strengths coaching with couples as well as work teams - very profound). * Affirm their use of their strengths every time you notice it. * Hire a coach to guide you and support this revolutionary journey of growth and effectiveness.
I guarantee that if you take these steps, you'll notice radical improvement in your attitude, your self esteem, your energy, your focus, and even your whole body.
Einstein is right. Everybody is a genius! So go out and live your genius this year! I'm cheering you on.
______________________________
Looking for a Speaker or Coach?
If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for a keynote speaker or workshop teacher for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it. And interested in strengths coaching? Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com.
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