Your Marriage Is Worth Being Strengths-based--Don't Settle For Less

I was finishing a coaching session with a couple and decided to ask the question, "So which of your strengths would you like your partner to ask you to contribute to your marriage more often?" What followed was 45 minutes of profound, deep, honest, heartfelt sharing between both of them.

She stated that from the beginning of their marriage, when she had tried to organize and activate him around one of their tasks, he had told her not to nag him.

"I realized at that moment that because I never wanted to be a nag in our relationship, I simply stopped contributing my strong achiever strengths.  But I realize right now that I am extremely strong in being able to activate things, get things done and organized.  I really want you to ask me to use those strengths on our behalf as a couple, for our sake together."

He looked at her, some tears in his eyes, and said, "I can see that now - this is your area of powerful strength.  You were being sensitive to my feelings.  But now I want you to know that I deeply honor your strengths and I want to ask you to use them freely on our behalf, to make us even stronger than we are."

In turn, he said to her, "I want you to ask me - to trust my deeply relational strengths - to use my abilities to pull people in, to go deeper with people, to include and help build deeper relationships, even in our relationship with each other.  I want to know that you truly honor and respect these strengths and their wisdom in me.  I want you to ask me to use them even more."

I sat there, realizing that I was witnessing a powerful sacred moment - two people truly "seeing" each other, truly being seen by each other - two people honoring and respecting the pure goodness and strength in each other.

I've seen again and again that this is what happens when couples take the time to

• identify their top strengths,
• to share with each other what those strengths are,
• to affirm and validate each other's strengths and how each person is using them,
• to engage in dialogue and discovery about how their individual strengths can work together in creating the strongest, most authentic, and effective relationship,
• to apply this discovery to developing a relationship mission statement, along with specific ways (goals) to moving forward as a couple in building on that mission,
• and to truly honor who they are as a couple and the unique, relational presence they can have in the world around them.

It's a powerful things to observe!

That's why I'm offering a four hour workshop to help lead couples through this kind of experience and process together (and it also includes a personalized 90 minute skype session with me after the workshop).  The potential of building an even stronger relationship is powerful, especially when you focus on your strengths.  It's about learning how to leverage your strengths in a way that transforms your relationship from mere survival to thriving.  Who among us wouldn't want that for the most important relationship in our lives?

Go to the Events page on my site for more information.

No matter how long you've been in your committed relationship, no matter your age, no matter your hang ups, healthy and strong relationships take intentionality, focus, honesty, and energy.  This workshop will offer you that space and some important tools to engage with each other.  And it will be fun, informative, and possibly even transformational.

Both of you are worth it!  And so is your relationship!  Feel free to share this opportunity with others you know.

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Looking for a Speaker or Coach?

If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for a keynote speaker or workshop teacher for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it.  And interested in strengths coaching?  Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com or look at the Speaking or Coaching pages of this site.

Three Ways to Shift Your Focus and Re-Shape Your Life

I read an insightful article in the Harvard Business Review last year by Kare Anderson, co-founder of the Say It Better Center and  a best-selling author.  The title was "What Captures Your Attention Controls Your Life."  She makes this statement:

“Whatever we focus upon actually wires our neurons. For example, pessimistic people see setbacks and unhappy events as Personal (It's worst for me), Pervasive (Everything is now worse) and Permanent (It will always be this way) according to Learned Optimism author Marty Seligman. Yet, with practice, he found that we can learn to focus more attention on the positive possibilities in situations to then craft a redemptive narrative of our life story. Consciously changing what you pay attention to can rewire your brain from a negative orientation to a positive one. 'Attention shapes the brain,' as Rick Hanson says in Buddha's Brain.”

Analyzing Your Words, Phrases, and Thoughts

Have you ever spent some time analyzing what you focus your attention upon?  It would be fairly enlightening to us, I'm sure, if we had someone follow us around all week long, taking notes of everything we said out loud.  What would those notes say about our primary focus and orientation?  Kind of a scary thought, isn't it!

Every once in a while, my wife Shasta will inform me that she hears me use certain phrases a lot, often on the negative side.  One of them used to be, "This is overwhelming!"

As I thought about my use of that phrase, I could see that my focus typically was negative, pessimistic.  Every time I used those words I was telling myself that my situation was beyond my capability to navigate well.  I was a victim to my circumstances.  It was beyond me to push through the obstacles.  In effect, I was wiring my brain to see weakness and inability and scarcity.  So because my brain was getting this message, it was sending that message to the rest of my body and I would always start feeling a physiological sag, too.  Body follows spirit.

Whatever we focus upon does wire our neurons.  Anderson's point is well made:  Consciously changing what you pay attention to can rewire your brain for good.  And that always impacts your whole body, as well.

Emphasizing Your Strengths Instead of Weaknesses

This is one of the reasons I love doing strengths coaching.  The emphasis on strengths instead of weaknesses is very empowering.

The father of strengths psychology, Donald Clifton, began his ground-breaking work by choosing to change the question psychologists were asking about people.  Instead of asking the question, "What's wrong with people?" he challenged that exclusive focus by asking, "What's right with people?"  He said,

"What would happen if we focused not on pathology but on strengths, studying how people are strong, what do they do that makes them feel energized, in the zone, competent, and more fulfilled?"

With this focus, we don't ignore weaknesses.  We don't pretend they don't exist.  We acknowledge that every strength has a shadow side that must be brought into the light and managed.  But our primary focus is on what makes us strong, our innately wired strengths and themes and talents.  Focusing on that reality creates an almost limitless possibility for growth, powerful change, and life transformation.

As Anderson pointed out, attention shapes our brain.  So choosing to be intentional about what we're focusing on in our lives will make a huge difference in the quality and outcomes of our lives.

Developing Your Conscious Competence

So take a few minutes to ask yourself these five questions and jot down some responses:

• What do my spoken words say about where I'm often placing my focus?
• How can I reframe my words/phrases to shape a more positive focus?
• What thoughts tend to captivate my internal attention?  Are they primarily negative or positive?
• Am I a strength-oriented person or a weakness-focused person?
• Do I know what my top strengths are?  And if so, how much focus do I put on them, how much intentionality in leveraging and using them more and more?  What are specific ways I can step into those strengths more often and more deeply?

Answering questions like these develop what I call "conscious competence."  The more aware and enlightened you are about how you're strong and what makes you strong, the greater your ability for competence and therefore for fulfillment and energy.  You can't practice and develop what you don't know you have.

So next time I'm tempted to droop my shoulders in despair and sigh, "This is overwhelming!" I'm going to say instead, "This appears difficult, but I'm strong and I can find a way through!"  It's a good place to begin.  Followed by applying my strengths to finding a way through.  That's a strong combination!

If you'd like some help going through this refocusing on strengths process, email me:  greg@flyagaincoaching.com.  It could be one of the more strategic decisions you make these days.

Spirituality and Focus: Are You A Fox Or A Hedgehog?

"What the country needs right now is a good hedgehog."  So begins Wednesday's insightful editorial by Arianna Huffington ("Why America Is Deeply in Need of a Good Hedgehog").  Which begs the question:  what is a hedgehog and why do we need one? Fox Or Hedgehog?

She references Isaiah Berlin, well-known British philosopher, who in 1953 laid out two opposing styles of leadership--foxes and hedgehogs--taking his cue from a line in an ancient Greek poem by Archilochus: "The fox knows many things, but the hedgehog knows one big thing."

She notes:  "According to Berlin, the fox will 'pursue many ends, often unrelated and even contradictory, connected, if at all, only in some de facto way.' In contrast, the hedgehog offers an 'unchanging, all embracing... unitary inner vision.'"  The fox knows many things, but the hedgehog knows one big thing.

The Power of Focus

So why is this an important quality?  There's something very powerful about focus.  Recent brain science tells us that focus and attention on something you believe is possible actually prompt the brain to begin charting a path, called a motor map, toward the realization of that goal.  The brain acts on the power of your focus and begins setting into place (creating) what you imagine.  From your focus, it actually determines the best route that will take you to your goal.

Cultural Habits Work Against Us

So with this built-in tool to help us, why is it so difficult?  We live in a culture that demands our attention every time we turn around.  And we've given it 24/7 access to us through our smartphones, computers, iPads, laptops, radio, TV.  I notice that when I'm working on my computer, even though I'm deeply focused on the screen with what I'm doing, my eyes wander to the 20 other tabs I have open in my browser.  And before I know it, I'm browsing the latest news in those tabs.  Or I hear a text come to my iPhone so I immediately look at it.  Focus gone.  Attention lost.  And when I return to my document, I have to read again what I've already written in order to get back into focus.  Time lost.

Comparing Hedgehogs and Foxes

The power of the hedgehog is its focus on the one big thing important to it.  It drills down without distraction or dilution.  It focuses on what it knows it does best and does it again and again.

The fox is all over the place, going really fast here and there.  It's very busy and active--it has a million different ideas, scampering from one to the other.  It might look to an outside observer that it's sure getting 'er done and being really successful.

But busyness isn't synonymous with effectiveness.  Activity, activating, don't necessarily mean productively purposeful or purposefully productive.

So whenever the fox wants to grab the hedgehog for its next meal, attempting its million different strategies for stealth attacks, the hedgehog simply rolls into a spiky ball.  And the fox ends up the loser every time.

So what is that one big important thing to you?  What do you live for?  What do you work for?  What are you in relationships for?  Is there a common thread in those life areas that would help define your "one big important" thing?  What are you truly focused on?  What holds your attention?  What do you know you're better at than anything else?  What one thing do you wish you could do more than all others?  Answering those questions will help to identify your hedgehog.

Hedgehog Spirituality

All spiritual traditions through the centuries have reminded us that effective spirituality is about developing focus and attention.  You could call it Hedgehog Spirituality.

I'm reminded of one of the successful spiritual luminaries in the Bible who delivered a very hedgehog-like statement:  "¹³ I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, ¹⁴ I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us."  (Philippians 3)

St. Paul expresses a very hedgehogian perspective.  "I focus on this one thing."  Remember, the fox knows many things, but the hedgehog knows one big thing.  And St. Paul is choosing to stay focused on his one thing.

And to do this hedgehog-like experience, notice what he has to include:  forgetting the past, and pressing on to the end goal.  That's the power of focus.

Brain scientists tells us that when we focus on one thing thing (especially inspirational, positive things like hope, allowing our imaginations to hold it and savor it), our brains immediately go to work establishing neural pathways that short circuit our tendency to fear which as St. Paul describes it can keep us anchored in the past.  That positive focus engages our brain centers in charge of activating our behaviors to achieve that focus goal.  As St. Paul said in another place, "By beholding, we become changed."

St. Paul's choice to focus and give powerful attention empowers him to stay pressing on, even when the going gets rough and tough and discouraging.  Giving focus to our One Big Thing activates our brain to keep us pushing forward.

Runners all know that when you're running a fast race like the 100 yard dash you have to keep your face pointed forward.  Otherwise, the moment you look around or sneak a glance sideways or backwards, your body loses speed, easing up even a tiny bit.  And that tiny bit can cost you the win.

Notice the three runners in the picture at the right.  Where are they focusing?  Keep your focus forward.

St. Paul's Hedgehog

I'm inspired by St. Paul's One Big Thing--that which he kept his eyes upon, what he allowed his mind to savor and attend to.  God through Jesus Christ.  A few verses before this, Paul refers to the faithfulness of God.  Paul is motivated, his life propelled forward, by his focus on a God revealed through Jesus who is faithful, who loves him without condition, who breathes life and soul into his spirit freely and abundantly, who has a prize waiting for him at the end of his race whether he comes in first or last.  Faithfulness, compassion, relentless tenderness--the big L, Love.

Your Hedgehog

Imagine living your entire life with your One Big Thing as Love, the divine kind of love.  Imagine how that focus and attention would empower you to show up every where you go in Love--showing up at work in Love, showing up at home in Love, showing up at the grocery store in Love, showing up in your relationships in Love, showing up in your conflicts in Love, showing up in our world of need in Love.

What would it take to make Love your One Big Thing, your hedgehog, the one thing you do better than anything else, the one thing you are keeping your face forward focusing on, leaning into, savoring?  And then imagine receiving that heavenly reward from the hands of a God who has been there beside you every step of the way.

What the world needs right now is a good hedgehog!