We sometimes delude ourselves into thinking that if we just keep on doing something a little bit harder, and a little bit longer, we’ll get the results we’re looking for. Instead of changing strategies by first evaluating our current strategy that clearly isn’t working, we insist on simply doing more of the same thing but with greater energy. Here are five questions to ask yourself to evaluate whether what you’re doing is the most effective current strategy.
How would you rate yourself on the self confidence scale--what number between 1-10 (1 being no confidence, 10 being complete confidence)? If you're like me, you find yourself moving back and forth on that scale depending on what's happening in your life. If I'm dealing with an area of insecurity, I find myself experiencing low confidence. If I'm dealing with a situation that triggers a past wound, my confidence level decreases. What about you?
Self confidence is an interesting beast. We all want it, need it, search for it, wonder if we've found it. Often it feels like the elusive Abominable Snowman--we hear about some sightings but when we pursue it, we never seem to find it.
As experts tell us, confidence, contrary to popular opinion, is not an attribute that only some people are born with or naturally possess. In fact, research shows that being shy and cautious is the natural human state. Our early ancestors stayed alive because of it--they had to be cautious to survive. So they passed it on in the gene pool.
So all of us have to learn the feeling and state of self confidence. And the good news is, we can learn to boost it and keep it boosted when we need it most.
Here are several ways to boost self confidence that I've learned in my own life and in the experiences of the many clients I work with.
1. Put Your Thoughts Into Perspective
I read a statistic recently that amazed me. The average person has 65,000 thoughts every day. And guess what? Eighty-five to ninety percent of them are negative--things we're worrying about or being fearful of.
Experts state that these worries and fears are warnings to ourselves, left-overs from our cave-dwelling past. Every time our ancestors stepped out of the cave, they were confronted by immediate threats to their very survival. So their brains (the amygdala part, to be exact--the fight or flight response) activated all the time. We have that in our DNA.
What's different now is that, though we don't face bears or tigers when we leave the house, we do face what we perceive as threats to our self confidence, our self esteem, our personhood--the boss criticizes our latest project; the spouse in anger brings up a painful past that hasn't been let go of; we stand up to make a speech and worry how people will respond (will they like us or respect us or laugh or demean us).
The point is to be aware that our brains work this way. And to be able to put those negative thoughts into perspective. We are not our thoughts. They're just thoughts that don't always represent objective reality.
We're wired to anticipate and interpret the worst (like our ancestors had to do). So we simply have to put our negative thoughts, worries, and immediate fears into perspective.
We have to call on the higher part of our brains (the prefrontal cortex) via contextualizing and evaluation of the threat. Is this thought-fear-worry really true? Am I simply being triggered by a painful experience in my past? Just because people are responding to me like I feared doesn't mean this is a reflection on who I am or a direct threat to my personhood. I can learn to reframe my negative thoughts and experiences.
2. Remember You Are Not Your Thoughts
I am not my thoughts. I am not other people's thoughts. Thoughts do not define who I am.
As Eckhart Tolle suggests, the very fact that you and I can observe our thoughts shows that we are not our thoughts. We have a higher self beyond all of that that remains unsullied by all of those 65,000 thoughts flowing through our minds every day. And what's more, not all of those thoughts reflect reality.
The next time you find a negative thought popping up in your brain, remember: this thought doesn't define you. It's just a thought. Whether the thought is true or not isn't the issue. The truth is, you are not this thought. So simply acknowledge it. Observe the thought. And then let it pass along like the rest of the thoughts.
Our immediate tendency, when we have a negative thought, is to place a value judgment on it. We label the thought and then file it in a folder of similar thoughts. And our tendency is to allow that folder to define us. "I am the sum total of those negative thoughts."
Wrong! I am not defined by those thoughts. I have a higher self that can observe, evaluate, and attach meaning to all my thoughts. My higher self is my true identity. Confidence always emerges from this true identity.
3. Know Your Strengths and Activate Them Regularly
I worked with a very competent health professional who came to me with a very low self confidence level. She wanted to learn how to be a more confident person in her relationships and even in her work.
Turns out she had parents who never acknowledged her personal strengths. They observed what they labeled as personality flaws and continually warned her that she would never be successful. She grew up feeling a tremendous lack of self and of confidence.
So as an adult, whenever something happened in her life that was negative, her past wounds were triggered, and she heard her parents' voice in her head telling her she wasn't enough, she wasn't good.
Her self confidence consequently took a beating--a lot.
I had her take the StrengthsFinder assessment. We spent weeks together unpacking her top five strengths, emphasizing the power of how her brain was wired (her natural preferences), helping her become more conscious of how she was strong, how she was using her strengths, how she could activate them more and more regularly.
Her self confidence began to grow little by little: she was seeing herself, instead of through a prism of weakness and lack, through the lens of her strength and power The more aware she became of how she was wired, the more she saw the beauty, and the more she learned to trust herself and affirm her strengths.
Confidence increases with a conscious awareness of how you are wired for strength and competence and your willingness to activate those strengths instead of fixating on lack and weakness.
Self confidence doesn't have to be the elusive beast in the woods. If you would like additional help boosting your confidence, email me.
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Looking for a Speaker or Coach?
If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for a keynote speaker or workshop teacher for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it. And interested in strengths coaching? Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com or look at the Speaking or Coaching pages of this site.
One of my clients came to me dealing with deep uncertainty about himself. His lack of confidence was at an all-time low. He was de-energized at work and that was bleeding into the rest of his life. He was having a difficult time making proactive decisions. He felt stuck, almost paralyzed in his creative work. And the more stuck he felt, the more he withdrew and didn't give his best contributions. "How do I find my place of confidence and self esteem again?" he asked me with deep sincerity.
He was experiencing what I call Identity Drift.
What Is Identity Drift?
Identity Drift is when
Have you ever felt some of those things? If so, you're not alone. Many of us are caught up in Identity Drift.
What Are Consequences of Identity Drift?
The consequences are painful:
So what can you do if you find yourself caught in Identity Drift? How do you stop the drift? Here are several suggestions.
5 Ways to Stop Identity Drift
Know your strengths
Because your strengths are based on your natural preferences (specific wiring in your brain), when you discover them, embrace them, and pay attention to them, you are placing yourself right in the middle of your true Self. They are accurate descriptions of who you are and how you best live your life. Leaning into your strengths places you in alignment with authenticity.
Identify how you're currently using your strengths in your every day life
The more aware you become of how you're using your strengths, the more competent and confident you become. Paying attention and developing awareness are key.
Keep a diary in which you record evidences of strengths-based behaviors you engage in during the day
Increasing awareness and consciousness of your strengths increases exponentially when you keep a record of you behaviors and actions that manifest your strengths. And every time you write a note describing an action, you're increasing your sense of self and your confidence in your abilities to live well.
Stop comparing yourself to others
Reducing Identity Drift comes about by focusing on yourself not on others. When we're drifting, we tend to compare and think that we should be more like others (since we're not very clear on who we are). But we need to stop confusing ourselves. We need to pay more attention to how we're strong and how we use those strengths.
Intentionalize ways to step into your strengths more frequently
Start identifying specific actions you can take that are genuine expressions of all your strengths. Write them down. Look at them every day. Set one behavior goal each day based upon one of your strengths. Why? When you're using your strengths in authentic ways you increase your sense of self, confidence, and personal energy. You're aligning more deeply with the way your brain is wired. You're rediscovering some very core pieces of what makes you uniquely You.
When you choose to become the expert of your strengths, you are making the decision to step more fully into who You are. I have yet to see someone who makes this a priority not recover their personal confidence and core power again. The drift lessens little by little until it finally stops.
So go ahead, leverage the real You by embracing what makes you unique and intentionally choosing to live that out, expressing it more fully!
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Upcoming Work About How to Build Your Strongest Marriage or Committed Relationship
There is such a thing as Marriage Identity Drift--when two people lose their sense of couple identity--they simply float along without any energy or confidence in their couple presence. If you want to experience my strengths process in your marriage or committed relationship, check out the upcoming workshop I'm giving on this. Go to Events for more information and registration details. Registration deadline is this coming Monday, March 17. Space is limited to 10 couples.
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Looking for a Speaker or Coach?
If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for a keynote speaker or workshop teacher for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it. And interested in strengths coaching? Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com or look at the Speaking or Coaching pages of this site.
Remember the ancient story about David and Goliath? A young shepherd David going to battle against the enemy giant Goliath? He ends up killing Goliath with only a few smooth stones torpedoed by his leather slingshot. The part of the story that is particularly powerful is what happens before that final scene. The King, whose people are battling Goliath's army, calls David before his throne and offers his own personal body armor to wear to go up against the giant.
Now this is no small offer. The King has been a hugely successful warrior and leader of his people, achieving epic victories through the years. And he's always worn this special armor to protect himself and he's used the sacred sword to defeat his enemies. Now he offers them to David.
So David tries on the armor and the sword. But they don't fit him ... at all! He staggers and stumbles around under the weight of someone else's armory.
And now David makes the most strategic decision possible. The King and others see it as foolish. But David knows it's smart and courageous.
"Thanks for your generous offer, O King, but I have to go into battle in my own armor, using what I've always relied on and what I'm best at!"
So David goes to face the giant, dressed in his shepherd's clothing, and holding in his hand the weapon that has brought him success in protecting his sheep against the wild animals in the wilderness--a leather slingshot and some smooth stones.
And the rest is history.
Here's the point. When it comes to facing your life well, the most effective, strategic decision you can make is to stand in your own armor, not someone else's.
Why? Because standing in your armor is when you're at your strongest, most powerful, and fulfilled place. It's all about strategic energy management.
I'm talking about your brain function and its natural preferences.
Brain Function and Natural Preferences
Your brain is wired with neuronal synapses--connections between cells (neurons) that produce certain behaviors. By the time you're sixteen years old, you've lost half of these networks (billions and billions)--thankfully--otherwise, you would as an adult be like a small child frozen in sensory overload. So in this case, less is more.
By your teenage years, the synapses that have remained are the ones from which are created your talents, your natural preferences.
Your smartness and your effectiveness depend on how well you capitalize on your strongest connections.
As Marcus Buckingham puts it,
"Nature forces you to shut down billions of connections precisely so that you can be freed up to exploit the ones remaining."
So you begin to notice that when you engage in certain behaviors and reactions, they just "feel right" to you, while others, no matter how hard you practice, always seem stilted and forced. This is good and as it should be.
Strategic energy management is all about utilizing and building on your natural preferences. That's the most energy efficient.
Brain experts remind us that when we are operating outside of our natural brain preferences, our brains are expending 100 times the level of resistance; as contrasted to when we are leading with our natural preferences which expends 1 times the level of resistance. So which way is more energy efficient?
T1 vs. Dial-up Connections
It's like connecting our computers with a hyper-fast T1 line versus an old dial-up connection. Which works better? Which is more efficient? Which has the greatest speed and productivity?
Living our lives from a place of personal natural preference is the T1 connection. Living life trying to be something we're not is the ancient dial-up connection.
And the consequences of "dial-up" is devastating: fatigue, hyper-vigilance, immune system suppression, reduced function of the frontal lobe (the thinking, processing, evaluating, and creativity brain center), memory problems, discouragement and depression, self-esteem problems, high levels of ongoing stress. We are literally killing ourselves prematurely.
Dr. Phil puts it this way,
"Ignoring who you truly, authentically are can literally be killing you. Forcing yourself to be someone you are not or stuffing down who you really are will tax you so much that it will shorten your life by years and years."
Why Strengths Work Is So Vital
This is why I value strengths work so much. It's about identifying our natural preferences and then discovering specific ways we can utilize those strengths more intentionally. It's about validating and affirming each other's strengths (which really is a way of validating the true person in front of you and setting them free, via their T1 line, to be at their best and strongest place). It's about exploring together how each person's strengths can be brought together with the other person's strengths and strategically managed and leveraged in ways that help the couple to be at their strongest, most effective relational place--discovering the relationship's T1 line.
Imagine what happens when couples approach their relationship from this vantage point--the affirmation and honoring of each other's most authentic self, and then building a relationship on this strongest of strong foundations. It's allowing each other to wear the right armor as opposed to forcing them to wear something else. It's identifying the couple's unique armor and then together going into battle to face the giants of life. That's the way giants are battled successfully.
Here's the way one couple I did this strengths work with described their experience:
"My husband and I have been married for 14 years and have worked through our share of challenges during that time. Working with Greg helped us re-kindle the spark that we had lost track of during those challenges. We now have a renewed vision of why we're together and how to honor and leverage each of our strengths in exciting ways. Thank-you, Greg!"
I'm teaching a strengths workshop for couples about these very issues (March 23, 1-5 pm, San Francisco, CA). Registration deadline is March 17. And it's limited to 10 couples. If you're interested, go to this link for more information: Strengths-based Couples.
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Looking for a Speaker or Coach?
If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for a keynote speaker or workshop teacher for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it. And interested in strengths coaching? Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com or look at the Speaking or Coaching pages of this site.
Higher Demands, Less Energy
The American culture is becoming increasingly a place of higher demands. Employers are trying to squeeze more and more from their employees. Expectations for productivity are higher than ever. Competition is fiercer than ever. And compensation isn't keeping up with the demands.
The average American worker is not only given less annual vacation time than counterparts around the world, he or she actually takes less of this time than the others. Americans are working harder and longer than ever before.
A consistent theme I hear from the leaders and senior managers I coach is the insane amount of work they are engaging in on a daily basis - almost to the point of complete breakdown. And they all feel somewhat trapped in this never-ending cycle. It is definitely not a sustainable strategy.
Energy Is Renewable
One of the things I've learned is that life is all about energy management. Truth is, time is a finite resource. But energy is renewable. We all have the opportunity to make choices that can actually increase our energy. It all depends on how we manage this amazing resource.
I read a profound article in the Harvard Business Review written by Tony Schwartz and Catherine McCarthy, "Manage Your Energy, Not Your Time" (Oct. 2007). In the article, they suggest that "energy comes from four main wellsprings in human beings: the body, emotions, mind, and spirit. In each, energy can be systematically expanded and regularly renewed by establishing specific rituals— behaviors that are intentionally practiced and precisely scheduled, with the goal of making them unconscious and automatic as quickly as possible."
I love this perspective because it provides hope that we all have it within our power to do something about our energy which is so often lagging and drooping from the incessant demands we face regularly: we can learn to recognize the energy-depleting behaviors / activities we engage in; and we can learn what instead energizes us and so develop ways to more intentionally step into those.
It's all about energy management.
How Strengths Renew Energy
This is why I coach and consult people and organizations around strengths. Strengths are in fact wired into us - they are our natural preferences - innate talents that come from the natural flow of electricity (energy) via certain neural pathways (each one leading to certain specific behaviors). Because of the chemicals released in these pathways, the pathways become ingrained in us. If they're our natural preference pathways, they're pleasant for us to stimulate so we tend to stimulate them more than others. And the more we use them, the more we strengthen them. It's a powerful feedback loop.
So when we pay attention to what our natural strengths are, and when we choose to use them more intentionally, we are putting ourselves in an energy flow that is not only more efficient and fulfilling but also more sustainable, renewable. Using our innate resources (like strengths) actually increases energy because it's aligning with our unique individual biology - it's stewarding our brains effectively by leveraging those neural pathways with their accompanying electricity and chemicals.
When we are not using our natural preferences, according to neuroscientists our brains are actually expending 100x the energy than when we're leading with our natural preferences (our innate wiring and talents). One hundred times! So instead of making deposits, we're making massive withdrawals from our energy bank unnecessarily. Our brains are wearing out. And consequently, our whole feeling of energy lags and droops. We're not being "fully alive."
It's all about energy management.
Take the StrengthsFinder Assessment
If you haven't taken the strengthsfinder assessment yet to discover your top natural strength preferences, you need to! There are two ways to take the test: buy the book StrengthsFinder 2.0 from Amazon for $14.00, or go directly online to the Gallup site, pay $9.99, and take the test. What a small price to pay to radically increase your ability to renew your energy!
My work as a coach and consultant is to unpack these results for people and organizations. I give them opportunity to think through and strategize how they can be more intentional about using their strengths in every aspect of their lives - work, relationships, spirituality. When people take this work seriously and really engage via their strengths, the results are always amazing - people have more energy, more fulfillment, more effective productivity, less stress, more of a feeling of flow, more of being, as Schwartz and McCarthy describe, "effortlessly absorbed." Who wouldn't want all that??
It's all about energy management.
It's time for people to stop trying to simply work harder and start working smarter. Leverage your natural preferences, your strengths. Let your brain work effectively and efficiently the way it was designed to. Learn what makes you unique from everyone else. And then embrace it, step into it, stand in your truth, and let yourself be the powerful person you are. Develop a truly sustainable life.
You want more energy? Try managing and stewarding the energy you have. I guarantee: you'll find your energy is in deed a renewable resource.
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If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for keynote speakers or workshop teachers for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it. And interested in strengths coaching? Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com.
Research on Effective Leadership Styles Important research these days is revealing some significant trends in how people are thinking about leadership, the style they want to see in their leaders, and what style is proving to be the most effective in solving today's complex global problems.
Gone are the days where the macho approach is looked up to as the savior of our problems. That current track record speaks for itself.
Qualities to Move Away From. "Everywhere, people are frustrated by a world long dominated by codes of male thinking and behavior: Codes of control, aggression and black- and-white thinking that have contributed to many of the problems we face today, from wars and income inequality to reckless risk-taking and scandal."*
Qualities to Embody More of. Instead, says a growing body of academic and industry research, "senior executives around the world and across industries put qualities such as collaboration, creativity, flexibility, empathy, patience, humility and balance right at the top of the list of crucial leadership characteristics for the future."**
Soft Vs. Hard. There are those in our culture who still choose to see these qualities as "soft" versus "hard" - they can't embrace them as truly significant to the bottom line of productivity and financial sustainability and growth - they see these qualities as luxuries at best, and perhaps curriculum to be relegated to Human Resources department if at all.
This leads to a tragic sidelining of what is increasingly showing to be more effective in the long run in addressing the fundamental needs of our organizations and markets with their complex, global, and interconnected challenges. This short-sighted and biased view continues to do damage on multiple layers of our human systems and organizations. Productivity and engagement are at all-time lows in our country.
In contrast, natural biologists are providing us with powerful examples of how the more relational and collaborative qualities are in fact hard-wired in the natural world to powerful effect. My last blog post described birch trees and rhododendrons in a symbiotic relationship.
Here's another: take the barheaded geese, for example.
Learning From Barheaded Geese
It’s estimated that at least 50,000 of them winter in India. And when summer nears, they undertake the two month 5000 mile migration back to their home in Central Asia. What makes this trip remarkable is that the route they choose to take every year is the world’s steepest migratory flight—they fly over the highest mountain in the world, Mount Everest in the Himalayas.
Amazingly, this route is where the air is thinnest and oxygen level lowest. What’s more, the thinner air means that less lift is generated when the birds flap their wings, thereby increasing the energy costs of flying by around 30 per cent. And yet they still fly the same route over the highest place on earth. Imagine it!
Scientists now find that these geese do not make use of tailwinds or updrafts that could give them a boost up the mountain. One of the remarkable resources they choose instead to rely upon is teamwork---collaboration.
Drafting. Geese are famous for utilizing in flight the V-formation which helps reduce individual energy consumption by up to 30%. Professional cyclists use the same principle that empowers them to sustain high energy and power for endurance races like the Tour de France (over 2000 miles in 21 days). Drafting.
The whole flock of geese gets over 70% better mileage than if each bird flew solo. When the lead bird gets weary, it drops back and a new one takes the lead. As the birds vigorously flap their wings, it creates lift for the bird behind. These geese actually choose to fly over Mt. Everest at one time rather than breaking up the trip, typically a grueling eight hour marathon.
And in addition, if one of the geese gets too tired or gets injured or sick, two of the other geese shepherd the weaker one back down to the ground and stay with it until it either gets stronger or dies. Then they rejoin the group or find another group to fly with to complete their migration.
Clearly, there is no physical way these birds could soar over Mt. Everest without this kind of drafting, teamwork, and collaboration. Forget it!
And yet so many of us individuals, including many organizations that insist on a few at the top within hierarchical structures possessing all the power, continue to assault our Everests ineffectively.
The Qualities That Make A Difference
What social science and organizational effectiveness research is telling us these days is that similarly there is no way we can scale the Mt. Everest-sized global challenges we face without prioritizing and valuing these same qualities: teamwork, collaboration, empathy, nurturing, loyalty.
The days of the solo leader (or small group of men who conduct the business war games and deals in the backroom), projecting an omnicompetent ability, standing at the top of the hierarchy of power, position, and status, omniscient in wisdom, who has only to speak and command the vision, strategy, and way forward, are gone (or should be gone).
"In the new economy ‘winning’ is becoming a group construct: Masculine traits like aggression and independent trail the feminine values of collaboration and sharing credit. And being loyal (which is feminine) is more valued than being proud (which is masculine), which points to being devoted to the cause rather than one’s self. And that we want our leaders to be more intuitive—(also feminine)—speaks to the lack of many leaders to have the capacity to relate to ordinary people and their points of view."*
We have to intentionalize systems and structures that help us rely on each other, where everyone is empowered to contribute their best strengths, where organizational and team health is seen to be as important as ROI and the financial bottomline, where we mentor others and stand beside them to support their growing development, where we manifest patience and empathy instead of "get it or leave here" attitude, where we employ technicolor instead of black-or-white thinking to our problems.
If we want to soar over our Mt. Everests, we will choose to be more like the barheaded geese.
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* The Athena Doctrine: How Women (and the Men Who Think Like Them) Will Rule the Future, Michael D'Antonio & John Gerzema.
** Gayle Peterson, associate fellow of Saïd Business School, University of Oxford, and co-director of its Women Transforming Leadership program, "We Don't Need A Hero, We Just Need More Women At the Top" (The Guardian, Nov. 13, 2013)
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If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for keynote speakers or workshop teachers for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it. Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com.
Our lives are made up of multiple social systems: families, marriages, work, businesses, corporations, churches, friendship circles, clubs. Like the natural world, these are all ecosystems where everything is inter-related and therefore everything is impacted by the other. There was a fascinating and insightful Linkedin article this week that used examples from nature to describe effective ways we humans can live within our social ecosystems (see "4 Bio-Inspired Tips to Create Better Teams" by Tim Brown, CEO of IDEO). Several of his biology illustrations particularly stood out for me as I work with people and groups in guiding them to a more strengths-based way of living and being. Here's one of them.
Collaboration
Biologists are finding that
"successful organisms tend to collaborate more than compete."
Birch Trees and Rhododendrons. For example, birch trees and rhododendrons grow close by each other in the woods, not by accident but for specific purpose. "The birch provides shade to the rhododendron, keeping it from drying out. The rhododendron, in turn, provides the birch with defensive molecules that protect it from being eaten by insects. This symbiotic relationship allows both to survive longer."
A Win-Lose World. It's amazing how competitive our human social systems so often are. We've developed this win-lose paradigm: if I win, someone else has to lose; if someone else wins, that means I automatically lose.
So in this win-lose ecosystem, we end up having to protect ourselves all the time. Our walls are up. Our distrust is high. We're ready to fight to win. Because at stake is our own survival--there's only one winner.
Our conversations devolve into arguments where we all try to win. If we don't, we feel less than; we've been bested; we're losers. So we have to win at all costs.
If a friend gets promoted, we feel like we've lost something. If our significant other gets recognition, we feel like we've lost, we're diminished. If someone else's child gets into the best school and our's doesn't, we've lost, they've won. We're less than, they're more.
A Win-Win World. But imagine if we could live within our social ecosystems like the birch trees and the rhododendrons--in collaboration where there's a win-win belief and goal and worldview; where we come to each other 
bringing our best strengths to the system; where we each are contributing our best to each other; where we each embrace and trust the best from each other; where we stay with it long enough to work at developing a win-win outcome, refusing to take the win-lose easy way out.
A Strengths-based Approach. Imagine collaborative marriage relationships where each situation, need, and goal is approached via both spouse's top strengths. When a problem is being addressed, you ask your spouse for a "10 minute consult" where he/she uses his/her specific strengths (one or several that you might not have) in order to help bring effective resolution. Rather than competing, you collaborate; where you approach the relationship and experience mutually instead of hierarchically. Imagine that.
Imagine developing your specific roles based upon your strengths profile, whether in a marriage, family, work team, congregation; where everyone is asked, encouraged, validated, and affirmed to show up with their best; where people spend more time and energy focusing on strengths instead of weaknesses and deficiencies; where whatever gaps might exist in the relationship, they are overcome with each person leveraging his/her strengths together to effectively overwhelm the gap.
The genius of a strengths-based approach to life is that it's based upon the truth that no one of us is omnicompetent. We as individuals simply cannot do everything. We need others if we desire to truly be effective. We need everyone in our social systems to contribute their best strengths so that all together we can be as strong as possible. That's what creates a win-win.
Collaboration is a prerequisite for healthy ecosystems!
So are you living with a win-win or win-lose belief system? Which lens do you tend to look at your life situations through? Who do you need to collaborate more with from a place of mutual strengths in order to live more effectively?
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If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for keynote speakers or workshop teachers for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it. Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com.
My friend Jaime awhile back sent me this story.
“A little boy was having difficulty lifting a heavy stone.
His father came along just then.
Noting the boy's failure, he asked, 'Are you using all your strength?'
'Yes, I am,' the little boy said impatiently.
'No, you are not,' the father answered.
'I am right here just waiting, and you haven't asked me to help you.'"
The more I reflect on my own life and listen to so many people talk about theirs, I'm struck by the truth that it is easy for us to get so caught up in our individual challenges--we're so lost in the weeds of our own lives, or so focused on lifting the heavy stones--we don't notice and take advantage of people around us who would be willing to support us if we just asked.
Ten Minute Consult
In my strengths coaching at Amazon Lab 126, one of the ways I encouraged teams to utilize strengths that the team didn't possess was what I call "Ten Minute Consult." Call up someone in the department who isn't on your team but who has the strength you need and make the simple ask: "Hey, would you be willing to give us 10 minutes of consulting time? We're faced with a problem we really could use your strength to advise us with."
It's a simply strategy that doesn't require a lot of time. But it continues to build on one of the most important paradigms for effective living: collaboration.
Collaboration & Interdependence
I think it's a genius reality that none of us is omnicompetent, none of us possesses all the strengths as our top strength. It forces us to recognize our interdependence upon others.
Successful people rely upon others and their strengths to lift their heavy stones. They choose to live by the truism,
We are stronger together than by ourselves.
One of the outcomes of this willingness to collaborate is validation and affirmation. It feels good to be asked to contribute from your place of strength. It feels validating to have one of your strengths affirmed and needed.
Don't Choose For Someone - Ask
It's sad that so many of us hesitate asking others for help because we don't want to inconvenience them or make them feel pressured in some way. We essentially make the choice for them by simply not asking.
And yet, truth is, we've consequently robbed them of affirmation and validation and the reward of using their strengths in a positive, productive way. Why not let them decide? Why not trust them to know what they're wanting to do in any given moment and give them the opportunity to say Yes or No? Why not give them opportunity to contribute their strengths to yours?
When a therapist was asked for one piece of advice he could give based upon all the wisdom he had gleaned from counseling thousands of people through the years, he made the profound observation:
"Know what you want, and learn to ask for it."
Reflection Questions
So what heavy stones are you trying to lift these days?
What strengths do you need that you don't have to help you accomplish this?
Who is around you that you could ask to assist you?
Have you been saying No for them without even asking? What's stopping you?
It's time to schedule your next Ask. Why not do what successful people do and get some help with your heavy stone.
I'm currently reading a book titled 12: The Elements of Great Managing. It's based on Gallup's ten million workplace interviews - the largest worldwide study of employee engagement. It has some really profound perspectives on what it takes for people to feel deeply and effectively a meaningfully contributing part of organizations and teams. I'm realizing as I read that these principles apply to every social system like families, marriages, significant relationships, faith communities.
The very first element that produces radically increased engagement among people is "knowing what's expected." Reality-based, clearly stated, shared expectations.
Now this may not seem like rocket-science to you (and it's not), but you would be surprised how often our relational challenges stem from unclear, unshared, and unreal expectations of each other.
Reality-based Expectations
I had two 2-hour sessions with a couple of faith community leaders who work together as a staff. Their relationship for the last few years has deteriorated to the point of both people considering leaving and finding separate ministry opportunities. Trust is at an all time low.
It turned out that both leaders had a certain expectation about each other's leadership style that wasn't getting met. And over time, these unmet expectations created serious tension, frustration, and what appeared to them as lack of respect for each other, and ultimately the disintegrating ability to trust the other.
Once I helped them see that each of their leadership styles were different from the other's because leadership style is based upon each person's top five strengths profile not some predetermined template for how leadership is suppose to look, this was able to shift their expectations of each other to a more realistic place. That new shared view of each other could be validated, honored, and respected - because both styles are good ... just different. It was heart-warming to hear both of them starting to complement and affirm each other for what they now saw as each other's unique strengths and style.
Expectations of the people in our lives has to be based upon reality - a clear understanding of who each other is and how we're each wired to be our best.
Clearly Stated Expectations
And we can't know what's expected of us unless the other is willing to clearly state their expectations.
As I work with couples and teams, I realize how often so many of us expect others to be "mind readers." We simply expect people to know what we're thinking and what we're needing without us having to tell them.
Now, most of us wouldn't admit that's what we're doing. But our behavior would sure indicate it.
Analyze a few of your last relationship arguments. Chances are you'll discover that at the heart of the misunderstanding or hurt feelings was your expectation (or desire) for the other person to simply know what you want. Some how, we give more points if they guess correctly - their attempts to relate have more value if they come unprompted. Right?
I want my wife to be so intuitive, to read my every micro-expression, to know me so well, so as to just "know" what I'm needing or wanting or expecting. And if she can't guess, then at least she should "pull it out of me" by means of her great relational skills of wise questions and sensitive, caring prompts.
But as you and I both know (in our saner moments), this is ridiculous! Unfair! And unrealistic!
Most of us simply aren't clairvoyant. We don't have a crystal ball with our partner's name on it. We're not mind readers with extra-sensory perception. Neither are the other people in our lives.
If we want others to know what we expect, what we need, what we want, we need to know ourselves and then be willing to state it. Clearly. So as to be completely understood. Otherwise, the onus is on us. Clearly stated expectations.
Shared Expectations
Only then can expectations be shared - that wonderful place where both sides not only clearly see and understand the other, but also where they agree to co-inhabit the expectation.
This third level is a bit more tricky and difficult. It takes more compromise and commitment to each other; more trust; more desire; more willingness to find and achieve consensus; more persistence; more patience; more grace. More work.
But when something is mutually shared, it's worth a lot. Right? There's deep strength to it. Solid commitment. A sense of committed partnership and collaboration. Mutual honor and respect. A lessening of resentment, anger, and frustration.
This kind of shared experience (which includes clear and shared expectations) is what leads experts to call basketball "a chemistry sport." As a team practices and plays together, the players develop a "tacit knowledge" about each other--they have clear understanding about each other's roles, strengths, weaknesses, styles, quirks, typical patterns--and this knowledge ultimately enables the team to experience synchronicity. To the onlooker, it appears almost magical the way players can anticipate and execute and adjust to each other in a unified and effective manner.
Our relationships - our social systems - are chemistry sports, too. Which means we each take responsibility to develop clear, realistic, and shared expectations and understandings of each other if we want to live and work effectively together.
So how's your chemistry and synchronicity with the people in your life?
Benjamin Franklin once said:
"Wasted strengths are like sundials in the shade."
Have you ever tried reading time from a sundial in the shade? Hard to do it, isn't it. For a sundial to work, it needs to be--go figure--in the sun.
I walked into one of the parks in Golden Gate Park and got all excited when I saw an old sundial. I couldn't wait to figure out the time with this ancient instrument.
And then, when I got closer, I noticed that tree branches had grown out and over the sundial essentially putting it in perpetual shade. The sundial was worthless other than as an ancient artifact.
Truth is, wasted strengths are like sundials in the shade.
For you to be able to shine with the brightness you were made for, for you to be able to point accurately to your true timing so that you give maximum benefit to others, you must be in "your sun"---you must know and use your strengths. No one else can do it for you. You are the steward of your strengths. Don't waste them. They're some of the best, most effective resources you have.
Here's how it can look when you choose to wisely steward your strengths. Let's see what lessons we can learn from one highly successful person.
Warren Buffett's Strengths Stewardship
Marcus Buckingham, in his book Now, Discover Your Strengths, talks about Warren Buffett. He's one of the richest people in the world who comes from such humble beginnings in Omaha, Nebraska. What a life he's lived.
Speaking to a roomful of students at the University of Nebraska, he said, "I may have more money than you do, but money doesn't make the difference."
To the students, many of whom could barely pay their phone bills each month, his observation seemed a bit glib.
But he continued: "If there is any difference between you and me, it may simply be that I get up every day and have a chance to do what I love to do, every day. If you want to learn anything from me, this is the best advice I can give you."
Though on the surface this appears to be the typical throwaway line from someone who's already banked their first billion, it's actually quite profound.
Turns out, Buffett is very sincere when he says this. He loves what he does and genuinely believes that his reputation as the world's greatest investor is due in large part to his ability to carve out a role that plays to his strengths.
And his strengths as an investor actually are quite nontraditional and unexpected for high-powered successful investors these days.
Here's how it worked for him. First, he is a very patient man, as opposed to the stereotypical impatient, high-speed, uber-active investor. So he has turned his natural patience into his now famous "twenty-year perspective" that leads him to invest only in those companies whose trajectory he can forecast with some level of confidence for the next twenty years.
Second, his mind is more practical than conceptual. So his practical mind made him suspicious of investing "theories" and broad market trends. He once wrote in his Berkshire Hathaway annual report, "The only role of stock forecasters is to make fortune-tellers look good." So he made the commitment to only invest in those companies whose products and services he could intuitively understand (e.g. Dairy Queen, Coca Cola, The Washington Post), the latest MBA theories and predictions be damned.
And third, he is inclined to be trusting of people's motives, not skeptical. So he has put his trusting nature to good use by carefully vetting the senior managers of the companies in which he invested and then stepping back and away, letting them engage in their day-to-day operations without his interference.
Turns out, he's a world class investor because he deliberately and persistently plays to his strengths (his innate wiring and talents that he has honed with increased knowledge and skill through the years).
Buckingham makes this observation: "The way he handles risk, the way he connects with other people, the way he makes his decisions, the way he derives satisfaction---not one of these is random. They all form part of a unique pattern that is so stable his family and closest friends are able to recall its early tracings in the schoolyard in Omaha, Nebraska, half a century ago." (p. 21)
Four Ways to Steward Your Strengths
So what lessons can we learn from Warren Buffett about how to effectively steward our best resources and strengths, about how we can be sundials in the sun not the shade? What did he figure out that can serve as a practical guide for all of us?
"One, look inside yourself; Two, try to identify your strongest threads; Three, reinforce them with practice and learning; and Four, either find or carve out a role that draws on these strengths every day. When you do these regularly, intentionally, and persistently, you will be more productive, more fulfilled, and more successful." (p. 21)
These are exactly the four steps that comprise the outline of what I work on with all my coaching clients---and I do this work for myself, regularly and persistently. In essence, I am helping myself and my clients to become wise and effective stewards of our best personal and professional resources---our God-given strengths.
I want for myself and for everyone else to be sundials that tell accurate time---and that are useful to others---because they're in the sun not the shade. This is authenticity.
I read an insightful article in the Harvard Business Review last year by Kare Anderson, co-founder of the Say It Better Center and a best-selling author. The title was "What Captures Your Attention Controls Your Life." She makes this statement:
“Whatever we focus upon actually wires our neurons. For example, pessimistic people see setbacks and unhappy events as Personal (It's worst for me), Pervasive (Everything is now worse) and Permanent (It will always be this way) according to Learned Optimism author Marty Seligman. Yet, with practice, he found that we can learn to focus more attention on the positive possibilities in situations to then craft a redemptive narrative of our life story. Consciously changing what you pay attention to can rewire your brain from a negative orientation to a positive one. 'Attention shapes the brain,' as Rick Hanson says in Buddha's Brain.”
Analyzing Your Words, Phrases, and Thoughts
Have you ever spent some time analyzing what you focus your attention upon? It would be fairly enlightening to us, I'm sure, if we had someone follow us around all week long, taking notes of everything we said out loud. What would those notes say about our primary focus and orientation? Kind of a scary thought, isn't it!
Every once in a while, my wife Shasta will inform me that she hears me use certain phrases a lot, often on the negative side. One of them used to be, "This is overwhelming!"
As I thought about my use of that phrase, I could see that my focus typically was negative, pessimistic. Every time I used those words I was telling myself that my situation was beyond my capability to navigate well. I was a victim to my circumstances. It was beyond me to push through the obstacles. In effect, I was wiring my brain to see weakness and inability and scarcity. So because my brain was getting this message, it was sending that message to the rest of my body and I would always start feeling a physiological sag, too. Body follows spirit.
Whatever we focus upon does wire our neurons. Anderson's point is well made: Consciously changing what you pay attention to can rewire your brain for good. And that always impacts your whole body, as well.
Emphasizing Your Strengths Instead of Weaknesses
This is one of the reasons I love doing strengths coaching. The emphasis on strengths instead of weaknesses is very empowering.
The father of strengths psychology, Donald Clifton, began his ground-breaking work by choosing to change the question psychologists were asking about people. Instead of asking the question, "What's wrong with people?" he challenged that exclusive focus by asking, "What's right with people?" He said,
"What would happen if we focused not on pathology but on strengths, studying how people are strong, what do they do that makes them feel energized, in the zone, competent, and more fulfilled?"
With this focus, we don't ignore weaknesses. We don't pretend they don't exist. We acknowledge that every strength has a shadow side that must be brought into the light and managed. But our primary focus is on what makes us strong, our innately wired strengths and themes and talents. Focusing on that reality creates an almost limitless possibility for growth, powerful change, and life transformation.
As Anderson pointed out, attention shapes our brain. So choosing to be intentional about what we're focusing on in our lives will make a huge difference in the quality and outcomes of our lives.
Developing Your Conscious Competence
So take a few minutes to ask yourself these five questions and jot down some responses:
Answering questions like these develop what I call "conscious competence." The more aware and enlightened you are about how you're strong and what makes you strong, the greater your ability for competence and therefore for fulfillment and energy. You can't practice and develop what you don't know you have.
So next time I'm tempted to droop my shoulders in despair and sigh, "This is overwhelming!" I'm going to say instead, "This appears difficult, but I'm strong and I can find a way through!" It's a good place to begin. Followed by applying my strengths to finding a way through. That's a strong combination!
If you'd like some help going through this refocusing on strengths process, email me: greg@flyagaincoaching.com. It could be one of the more strategic decisions you make these days.
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