Does Your Self Confidence Ever Take A Beating? Here Are Three Ways to Increase Your Confidence

How would you rate yourself on the self confidence scale--what number between 1-10 (1 being no confidence, 10 being complete confidence)? If you're like me, you find yourself moving back and forth on that scale depending on what's happening in your life.  If I'm dealing with an area of insecurity, I find myself experiencing low confidence.  If I'm dealing with a situation that triggers a past wound, my confidence level decreases.  What about you?

Self confidence is an interesting beast.  We all want it, need it, search for it, wonder if we've found it.  Often it feels like the elusive Abominable Snowman--we hear about some sightings but when we pursue it, we never seem to find it.

As experts tell us, confidence, contrary to popular opinion, is not an attribute that only some people are born with or naturally possess.  In fact, research shows that being shy and cautious is the natural human state.  Our early ancestors stayed alive because of it--they had to be cautious to survive.  So they passed it on in the gene pool.

So all of us have to learn the feeling and state of self confidence.  And the good news is, we can learn to boost it and keep it boosted when we need it most.

Here are  several ways to boost self confidence that I've learned in my own life and in the experiences of the many clients I work with.

1.  Put Your Thoughts Into Perspective

I read a statistic recently that amazed me.  The average person has 65,000 thoughts every day.  And guess what?  Eighty-five to ninety percent of them are negative--things we're worrying about or being fearful of.

Experts state that these worries and fears are warnings to ourselves, left-overs from our cave-dwelling past.  Every time our ancestors stepped out of the cave, they were confronted by immediate threats to their very survival.  So their brains (the amygdala part, to be exact--the fight or flight response) activated all the time.  We have that in our DNA.

What's different now is that, though we don't face bears or tigers when we leave the house, we do face what we perceive as threats to our self confidence, our self esteem, our personhood--the boss criticizes our latest project; the spouse in anger brings up a painful past that hasn't been let go of; we stand up to make a speech and worry how people will respond (will they like us or respect us or laugh or demean us).

The point is to be aware that our brains work this way.  And to be able to put those negative thoughts into perspective.  We are not our thoughts.  They're just thoughts that don't always represent objective reality.

We're wired to anticipate and interpret the worst (like our ancestors had to do).  So we simply have to put our negative thoughts, worries, and immediate fears into perspective.

We have to call on the higher part of our brains (the prefrontal cortex) via contextualizing and evaluation of the threat.  Is this thought-fear-worry really true?  Am I simply being triggered by a painful experience in my past?  Just because people are responding to me like I feared doesn't mean this is a reflection on who I am or a direct threat to my personhood. I can learn to reframe my negative thoughts and experiences.

2.  Remember You Are Not Your Thoughts

I am not my thoughts.  I am not other people's thoughts.  Thoughts do not define who I am.

As Eckhart Tolle suggests, the very fact that you and I can observe our thoughts shows that we are not our thoughts.  We have a higher self beyond all of that that remains unsullied by all of those 65,000 thoughts flowing through our minds every day.  And what's more, not all of those thoughts reflect reality.

The next time you find a negative thought popping up in your brain, remember:  this thought doesn't define you.  It's just a thought.  Whether the thought is true or not isn't the issue.  The truth is, you are not this thought.  So simply acknowledge it.  Observe the thought.  And then let it pass along like the rest of the thoughts.

Our immediate tendency, when we have a negative thought, is to place a value judgment on it.  We label the thought and then file it in a folder of similar thoughts.  And our tendency is to allow that folder to define us.  "I am the sum total of those negative thoughts."

Wrong!  I am not defined by those thoughts.  I have a higher self that can observe, evaluate, and attach meaning to all my thoughts.  My higher self is my true identity.  Confidence always emerges from this true identity.

3.  Know Your Strengths and Activate Them Regularly

I worked with a very competent health professional who came to me with a very low self confidence level.  She wanted to learn how to be a more confident person in her relationships and even in her work.

Turns out she had parents who never acknowledged her personal strengths.  They observed what they labeled as personality flaws and continually warned her that she would never be successful.  She grew up feeling a tremendous lack of self and of confidence.

So as an adult, whenever something happened in her life that was negative, her past wounds were triggered, and she heard her parents' voice in her head telling her she wasn't enough, she wasn't good.

Her self confidence consequently took a beating--a lot.

I had her take the StrengthsFinder assessment.  We spent weeks together unpacking her top five strengths, emphasizing the power of how her brain was wired (her natural preferences), helping her become more conscious of how she was strong, how she was using her strengths, how she could activate them more and more regularly.

Her self confidence began to grow little by little:  she was seeing herself, instead of through a prism of weakness and lack, through the lens of her strength and power  The more aware she became of how she was wired, the more she saw the beauty, and the more she learned to trust herself and affirm her strengths.

Confidence increases with a conscious awareness of how you are wired for strength and competence and your willingness to activate those strengths instead of fixating on lack and weakness.

Self confidence doesn't have to be the elusive beast in the woods.  If you would like additional help boosting your confidence, email me.

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Looking for a Speaker or Coach?

If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for a keynote speaker or workshop teacher for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it.  And interested in strengths coaching?  Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com or look at the Speaking or Coaching pages of this site.

The Most Effective Way to Fight Giants Is In YOUR Armor

Remember the ancient story about David and Goliath?  A young shepherd David going to battle against the enemy giant Goliath?  He ends up killing Goliath with only a few smooth stones torpedoed by his leather slingshot. The part of the story that is particularly powerful is what happens before that final scene.  The King, whose people are battling Goliath's army, calls David before his throne and offers his own personal body armor to wear to go up against the giant.

Now this is no small offer.  The King has been a hugely successful warrior and leader of his people, achieving epic victories through the years.  And he's always worn this special armor to protect himself and he's used the sacred sword to defeat his enemies.  Now he offers them to David.

So David tries on the armor and the sword.  But they don't fit him ... at all!  He staggers and stumbles around under the weight of someone else's armory.

And now David makes the most strategic decision possible.  The King and others see it as foolish.  But David knows it's smart and courageous.

"Thanks for your generous offer, O King, but I have to go into battle in my own armor, using what I've always relied on and what I'm best at!"

So David goes to face the giant, dressed in his shepherd's clothing, and holding in his hand the weapon that has brought him success in protecting his sheep against the wild animals in the wilderness--a leather slingshot and some smooth stones.

And the rest is history.

Here's the point.  When it comes to facing your life well, the most effective, strategic decision you can make is to stand in your own armor, not someone else's.

Why?  Because standing in your armor is when you're at your strongest, most powerful, and fulfilled place.  It's all about strategic energy management.

I'm talking about your brain function and its natural preferences.

Brain Function and Natural Preferences

Your brain is wired with neuronal synapses--connections between cells (neurons) that produce certain behaviors.  By the time you're sixteen years old, you've lost half of these networks (billions and billions)--thankfully--otherwise, you would as an adult be like a small child frozen in sensory overload.  So in this case, less is more.

By your teenage years, the synapses that have remained are the ones from which are created your talents, your natural preferences.

Your smartness and your effectiveness depend on how well you capitalize on your strongest connections.

As Marcus Buckingham puts it,

"Nature forces you to shut down billions of connections precisely so that you can be freed up to exploit the ones remaining."

So you begin to notice that when you engage in certain behaviors and reactions, they just "feel right" to you, while others, no matter how hard you practice, always seem stilted and forced.  This is good and as it should be.

Strategic energy management is all about utilizing and building on your natural preferences.  That's the most energy efficient.

Brain experts remind us that when we are operating outside of our natural brain preferences, our brains are expending 100 times the level of resistance; as contrasted  to when we are leading with our natural preferences which expends 1 times the level of resistance.  So which way is more energy efficient?

T1 vs. Dial-up Connections

It's like connecting our computers with a hyper-fast T1 line versus an old dial-up connection.  Which works better?  Which is more efficient?  Which has the greatest speed and productivity?

Living our lives from a place of personal natural preference is the T1 connection.  Living life trying to be something we're not is the ancient dial-up connection.

And the consequences of "dial-up" is devastating:  fatigue, hyper-vigilance, immune system suppression, reduced function of the frontal lobe (the thinking, processing, evaluating, and creativity brain center), memory problems, discouragement and depression, self-esteem problems, high levels of ongoing stress.  We are literally killing ourselves prematurely.

Dr. Phil puts it this way,

"Ignoring who you truly, authentically are can literally be killing you.  Forcing yourself to be someone you are not or stuffing down who you really are will tax you so much that it will shorten your life by years and years."

Why Strengths Work Is So Vital

This is why I value strengths work so much.  It's about identifying our natural preferences and then discovering specific ways we can utilize those strengths more intentionally.  It's about validating and affirming each other's strengths (which really is a way of validating the true person in front of you and setting them free, via their T1 line, to be at their best and strongest place).  It's about exploring together how each person's strengths can be brought together with the other person's strengths and strategically managed and leveraged in ways that help the couple to be at their strongest, most effective relational place--discovering the relationship's T1 line.

Imagine what happens when couples approach their relationship from this vantage point--the affirmation and honoring of each other's most authentic self, and then building a relationship on this strongest of strong foundations.  It's allowing each other to wear the right armor as opposed to forcing them to wear something else.  It's identifying the couple's unique armor and then together going into battle to face the giants of life.  That's the way giants are battled successfully.

Here's the way one couple I did this strengths work with described their experience:

"My husband and I have been married for 14 years and have worked through our share of challenges during that time.  Working with Greg helped us re-kindle the spark that we had lost track of during those challenges.  We now have a renewed vision of why we're together and how to honor and leverage each of our strengths in exciting ways.  Thank-you, Greg!"

I'm teaching a strengths workshop for couples about these very issues (March 23, 1-5 pm, San Francisco, CA).  Registration deadline is March 17.  And it's limited to 10 couples.  If you're interested, go to this link for more information:  Strengths-based Couples.

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Looking for a Speaker or Coach?

If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for a keynote speaker or workshop teacher for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it.  And interested in strengths coaching?  Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com or look at the Speaking or Coaching pages of this site.

It's All About Energy Management!

Higher Demands, Less Energy The American culture is becoming increasingly a place of higher demands.  Employers are trying to squeeze more and more from their employees.  Expectations for productivity are higher than ever.  Competition is fiercer than ever.  And compensation isn't keeping up with the demands.

The average American worker is not only given less annual vacation time than counterparts around the world, he or she actually takes less of this time than the others.  Americans are working harder and longer than ever before.

A consistent theme I hear from the leaders and senior managers I coach is the insane amount of work they are engaging in on a daily basis - almost to the point of complete breakdown.  And they all feel somewhat trapped in this never-ending cycle.  It is definitely not a sustainable strategy.

Energy Is Renewable

One of the things I've learned is that life is all about energy management.  Truth is, time is a finite resource.  But energy is renewable.  We all have the opportunity to make choices that can actually increase our energy.  It all depends on how we manage this amazing resource.

I read a profound article in the Harvard Business Review written by Tony Schwartz and Catherine McCarthy, "Manage Your Energy, Not Your Time" (Oct. 2007).  In the article, they suggest that "energy comes from four main wellsprings in human beings: the body, emotions, mind, and spirit. In each, energy can be systematically expanded and regularly renewed by establishing specific rituals— behaviors that are intentionally practiced and precisely scheduled, with the goal of making them unconscious and automatic as quickly as possible."

I love this perspective because it provides hope that we all have it within our power to do something about our energy which is so often lagging and drooping from the incessant demands we face regularly:  we can learn to recognize the energy-depleting behaviors / activities we engage in; and we can learn what instead energizes us and so develop ways to more intentionally step into those.

It's all about energy management.

How Strengths Renew Energy

This is why I coach and consult people and organizations around strengths.  Strengths are in fact wired into us - they are our natural preferences - innate talents that come from the natural flow of electricity (energy) via certain neural pathways (each one leading to certain specific behaviors).  Because of the chemicals released in these pathways, the pathways become ingrained in us.  If they're our natural preference pathways, they're pleasant for us to stimulate so we tend to stimulate them more than others.  And the more we use them, the more we strengthen them.  It's a powerful feedback loop.

So when we pay attention to what our natural strengths are, and when we choose to use them more intentionally, we are putting ourselves in an energy flow that is not only more efficient and fulfilling but also more sustainable, renewable.  Using our innate resources (like strengths) actually increases energy because it's aligning with our unique individual biology - it's stewarding our brains effectively by leveraging those neural pathways with their accompanying electricity and chemicals.

When we are not using our natural preferences, according to neuroscientists our brains are actually expending 100x the energy than when we're leading with our natural preferences (our innate wiring and talents).  One hundred times!  So instead of making deposits, we're making massive withdrawals from our energy bank unnecessarily.  Our brains are wearing out.  And consequently, our whole feeling of energy lags and droops.  We're not being "fully alive."

It's all about energy management.

Take the StrengthsFinder Assessment

If you  haven't taken the strengthsfinder assessment yet to discover your top natural strength preferences, you need to!  There are two ways to take the test:  buy the book StrengthsFinder 2.0 from Amazon for $14.00, or go directly online to the Gallup site, pay $9.99, and take the test.  What a small price to pay to radically increase your ability to renew your energy!

My work as a coach and consultant is to unpack these results for people and organizations.  I give them opportunity to think through and strategize how they can be more intentional about using their strengths in every aspect of their lives - work, relationships, spirituality.  When people take this work seriously and really engage via their strengths, the results are always amazing - people have more energy, more fulfillment, more effective productivity, less stress, more of a feeling of flow, more of being, as Schwartz and McCarthy describe, "effortlessly absorbed."  Who wouldn't want all that??

It's all about energy management.

It's time for people to stop trying to simply work harder and start working smarter.  Leverage your natural preferences, your strengths.  Let your brain work effectively and efficiently the way it was designed to.  Learn what makes you unique from everyone else.  And then embrace it, step into it, stand in your truth, and let yourself be the powerful person you are.  Develop a truly sustainable life.

You want more energy?  Try managing and stewarding the energy you have.  I guarantee:  you'll find your energy is in deed a renewable resource.

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If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for keynote speakers or workshop teachers for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it.  And interested in strengths coaching?  Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com.