Strengths-based Collaboration Is A Prerequisite For Healthy Ecosystems

Our lives are made up of multiple social systems:  families, marriages, work, businesses, corporations, churches, friendship circles, clubs.  Like the natural world, these are all ecosystems where everything is inter-related and therefore everything is impacted by the other. There was a fascinating and insightful Linkedin article this week that used examples from nature to describe effective ways we humans can live within our social ecosystems (see "4 Bio-Inspired Tips to Create Better Teams" by Tim Brown, CEO of IDEO).  Several of his biology illustrations particularly stood out for me as I work with people and groups in guiding them to a more strengths-based way of living and being.  Here's one of them.

Collaboration

Biologists are finding that

"successful organisms tend to collaborate more than compete."

Birch Trees and Rhododendrons.  For example, birch trees and rhododendrons grow close by each other in the woods, not by accident but for specific purpose. "The birch provides shade to the rhododendron, keeping it from drying out. The rhododendron, in turn, provides the birch with defensive molecules that protect it from being eaten by insects. This symbiotic relationship allows both to survive longer."

A Win-Lose World.  It's amazing how competitive our human social systems so often are.  We've developed this win-lose paradigm:  if I win, someone else has to lose; if someone else wins, that means I automatically lose.

So in this win-lose ecosystem, we end up having to protect ourselves all the time.  Our walls are up.  Our distrust is high.  We're ready to fight to win.  Because at stake is our own survival--there's only one winner.

Our conversations devolve into arguments where we all try to win.  If we don't, we feel less than; we've been bested; we're losers.  So we have to win at all costs.

If a friend gets promoted, we feel like we've lost something.  If our significant other gets recognition, we feel like we've lost, we're diminished.  If someone else's child gets into the best school and our's doesn't, we've lost, they've won.  We're less than, they're more.

A Win-Win World.  But imagine if we could live within our social ecosystems like the birch trees and the rhododendrons--in collaboration where there's a win-win belief and goal and worldview; where we come to each other bringing our best strengths to the system; where we each are contributing our best to each other; where we each embrace and trust the best from each other; where we stay with it long enough to work at developing a win-win outcome, refusing to take the win-lose easy way out.

A Strengths-based Approach.  Imagine collaborative marriage relationships where each situation, need, and goal is approached via both spouse's top strengths.  When a problem is being addressed, you ask your spouse for a "10 minute consult" where he/she uses his/her specific strengths (one or several that you might not have) in order to help bring effective resolution.  Rather than competing, you collaborate; where you approach the relationship and experience mutually instead of hierarchically.  Imagine that.

Imagine developing your specific roles based upon your strengths profile, whether in a marriage, family, work team, congregation; where everyone is asked, encouraged, validated, and affirmed to show up with their best; where people spend more time and energy focusing on strengths instead of weaknesses and deficiencies; where whatever gaps might exist in the relationship, they are overcome with each person leveraging his/her strengths together to effectively overwhelm the gap.

The genius of a strengths-based approach to life is that it's based upon the truth that no one of us is omnicompetent.  We as individuals simply cannot do everything.  We need others if we desire to truly be effective.  We need everyone in our social systems to contribute their best strengths so that all together we can be as strong as possible.  That's what creates a win-win.

Collaboration is a prerequisite for healthy ecosystems!

So are you living with a win-win or win-lose belief system?  Which lens do you tend to look at your life situations through?  Who do you need to collaborate more with from a place of mutual strengths in order to live more effectively?

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If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for keynote speakers or workshop teachers for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it.  Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com.

Why and How We Need to Address Our Historical Gender Imbalance

Chinese Taoism has a very powerful paradigm that explains the dynamics of effective living.  In my opinion, this paradigm is becoming increasingly significant in order to chart an effective way forward in the 21st century. Yin-Yang Paradigm

It's called the Yin and the Yang.  Yin-Yang is used to describe how seemingly opposite or contrary forces are in fact interconnected and interdependent and how they give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another. Yin and yang can be thought of as complementary (instead of opposing) forces interacting to form a dynamic system in which the whole is greater than the parts. Everything has both yin and yang aspects, (for instance shadow cannot exist without light).  That's why you notice, in the symbol for Yin-Yang, that each part has the other (small dot) within it.

Describing Yin and Yang

"Yang is the white side with the black dot on it, and yin is the black side with the white dot on it. The relationship between yin and yang is often described in terms of sunlight playing over a mountain and a valley. Yin (literally the 'shady place' or 'north slope') is the dark area occluded by the mountain's bulk, while yang (literally the 'sunny place' or 'south slope') is the brightly lit portion. As the sun moves across the sky, yin and yang gradually trade places with each other, revealing what was obscured and obscuring what was revealed."  (Wikipedia)

Yin is characterized as slow, soft, yielding, diffuse, cool and refreshing, wet, and reflective; and is associated with water, earth, the moon, femininity and nighttime.

Yang, by contrast, is fast, hard, solid, focused, hot, dry, and aggressive; and is associated with fire, sky, the sun, masculinity and daytime.

Yin-Yang Implications for the 21st Century

So how does this fit in with my last blog post about the Athena Doctrine?

One, The authors, in their extensive global research*, have found that more and more people in our 21st century are being drawn to a different-than-usual way of living and working and being in the world.  They're realizing for our world to achieve its potential for wholeness and transformation, both Yin and Yang need to be expressed, validated, and incorporated.

Two, for much of history, there has been a Yang path forward--predominantly masculine, where aggression, power, win-lose, dominance have ruled the day.  The Yin, more feminine part of life, has been devalued and considered "too soft" to be effective at the forefront of and in the halls of influence in a world filled with conflict, enemies, survival and growth.

Three, and yet, as the authors of The Athena Doctrine are pointing out from their extensive research, the majority of people (66%) representing countries around the world are saying that for the world to achieve its full potential, the Yin side--more feminine qualities--needs to be brought to the forefront.

Four, the powerful piece to this is that people aren't saying it's an "either/or" proposition--throw out all the men and bring in all the women.  Rather, it's a "both/and" necessity.

A World of Complementarity Instead of Opposition

Here's the way the authors describe it:

"People seek a more expressive style of leader who shares feelings more openly and honestly as well as patience and reason to break gridlock.  We also want long term thinkers who can dig in and plan for the future.  The more masculine qualities like decisiveness and resilience are important, but so is being flexible in order to build consensus and get things done.  Also, in the new economy winning is becoming a group construct:  masculine traits like aggression and independent trail the feminine values of collaboration and sharing credit.  And being loyal (which is feminine) is more valued than being proud (which is masculine), which point to being devoted to the cause rather than one's self.  And that we want our leaders to be more intuitive--(also feminine)--speaks to the lack of many leaders to have the capacity to relate to ordinary people and their points of view."

The central facet of Yin-Yang is the emphasis on the interconnectedness of life, one cannot exist without the other, both are complementary to each other rather than opposing forces, interacting to form a dynamic system in which the whole is greater than the parts.  For this to occur, both sides have to be equally valued in the shifting seasons and shadows of life.

The Necessity of Addressing a Historical Imbalance

There has been a sad imbalance of this equation for much of history.  And the tragic results of this are evident everywhere:  violence, gridlock, greed for power-status-wealth, economic injustice, aggression, win-lose, lack of compassion, us again them mentality, being right is more important than being in relationship.

This has to change if we are going to experience a world where everyone has an equal place at the table with equal opportunities, and where we steward our natural resources in sustainable ways, all built upon a foundation of mutual honor, respect, worth, and empathy.

It's time to place inordinate value upon the feminine characteristics and ways of thinking and being as central to our path forward.  It's time to place more women and men who think like them at positions of influence in charting our path forward.  It's time to shape a global rather than tribal world based upon the value of interconnectedness and dynamic complementarity in navigating our path forward.  It's time to honor both Yin and Yang together and empower both to work interdependently in building an effective path forward.

The future and quality of our world depend upon it.

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*The Athena Doctrine:  How Women (and the Men Who Think Like Them) Will Rule the World, John Gerzema & MichaeL D’Antonio

Why We Need A Better Way of Thinking, Being, and Relating

Athena Doctrine Research There's a tsunami of change building.

Best-selling and award-winning authors John Gerzema and Michael D’Antonio surveyed 64,000 women and men in thirteen countries across a wide swath of cultural, political and economic diversity. They gathered data from Canada to Chile and Mexico to Indonesia.  Everywhere they went they asked a lot of questions about life today, about what makes us happy and gives our lives meaning.*

What they discovered was quite sobering.  People are talking as if they live in an age of "extended anxiety".  Among many of the statements surveyed, both men and women weighed in on these:

"There is too much power in the hands of large institutions and corporations."  86% agree "My country cares about its citizens more than it used to."  76% disagree "The world is becoming more fair."  74% disagree "Life will be better for my children than it is for me."  51% disagree

And then two clinchers:

"I’m dissatisfied with the conduct of men in my country."  57% agree

"The world would be a better place if men thought more like women."  66% agree

When the authors began to unpack these responses with the interviewees, what they discovered was not the fomenting of a global gender apocalypse -- where people were dogging and downing one gender more than another -- but rather where people were hungering for expression, a "way of being," a way of living life where certain core values were central to it, where certain fundamental characteristics were front and center to the way we do business and life.

As it turns out, these core values and ways of thinking happen to be characteristically feminine attributes.  Here's the way the authors describe it:

A Growing Shift in Roles and Values

"There’s a growing shift in the roles of masculine and feminine values in the twenty-first century. We live in a world that’s increasingly social, interdependent and transparent. People around the world are showing that traditionally feminine leadership and values are now more popular than the macho paradigm of the past ... Everywhere, people are frustrated by a world long dominated by codes of male thinking and behavior: Codes of control, aggression and black- and-white thinking that have contributed to many of the problems we face today, from wars and income inequality to reckless risk-taking and scandal.  The most innovative among us are breaking away from traditional structures to be more flexible, collaborative and nurturing. And both men and women from Medellin to Nairobi are adopting this style, which emphasizes cooperation, long-term thinking, and flexibility. Informally, and in countless ways, they are following the Athena Doctrine, named after the Greek Goddess, the warrior whose strength came from wisdom and fairness."

Why the Shift Is Happening - What's Broken and Needs to  Be Fixed?

When you consider the major institutions of the world, both current and past, what values have tended to dominate?  How have those institutions primarily engaged the world?  Power has been in the hands of a few rather than the many.  Hierarchical systems prevailed.  Influence was perpetuated by decree perpetuated by status and office.  Conflicts were fought by warriors where the strongest always won and the weak were dominated.  The world was based upon a win-lose paradigm.  Status, wealth, economic advantage, opportunity, education, religious influence, leadership -- all of these were centralized and controlled by a few, all in the name of God, of course -- and the few most often were men.

The "game" of institutional conquest had rules that were stacked in favor of the few or those who had the stomach to enter in and fight their way to the top at whatever cost.  Today's politics is a classic example.

Because women have been devalued in history, many of the characteristics and attributes and ways of thinking and being that women can bring to the world have been correspondingly devalued.  Businesses call them "soft skills" as opposed to hard skills.

So if you highly value things like empathy, collaboration, fairness, flexibility, win-win paradigms, compassion, unselfishness, and transformation, who wants to get into the dominant game with its warrior-like rules and mentalities?  Who wants to feel like you have to "prostitute" yourself in order to play the current game?  Who wants to sacrifice your fundamental core values for the bottom line of money, power, and status as the only end game?  Surely there must be more to life than that?

No wonder women aren't flocking to get into politics, for example.

No wonder so many people feel disenfranchised within religious communities.  Many religions refuse to allow women to fill top leadership positions, including being ordained to ministry, stating, "It's just not God's way" as if men have a corner on how God's will is suppose to be lived out.

As a result, the institutions of the world continue to play the game the way it's always been played, with a few at the top determining the rules and the outcomes and the style.

A Tsunami of Change - Different Values and Ways of Thinking and Being

But what the authors of the The Athena Doctrine are showing in their extensive research is that the game is changing.**  There's a tsunami of hunger and corresponding transformation that is sweeping around the globe.  It's a wave of change that insists on including experiences like delight, beauty, flow, vulnerability, authenticity, social responsibility, intuition, imagination, innovation, cooperation.

Both women and men are standing up and saying, "Enough is enough!  There's another way of doing business and life that centers around a whole different set of values that can be as effective or even more effective as those of the past.  After all, many of the primary institutions of the world are irreparably broken.  The old ways of doing things is over.  Things have to change.  We want to live different values in everything we do!  We want to help make the world a better, more humane, and more equitable place where there's room at the table for everyone, for the sake of each other and our future generations!"

So as Gandhi once said, It's time to "be the change you wish to see in the world."

So how does all this relate to strengths-based living?  Stay tuned.  More to come.  We need a fuller picture.

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* The Athena Doctrine:  How Women (and the Men Who Think Like Them) Will Rule the World, John Gerzema & MichaeL D’Antonio

** If you would like to see slides of the main parts of their research, go to this link.

A Secret Ingredient of Successful People

My friend Jaime awhile back sent me this story. “A little boy was having difficulty lifting a heavy stone. His father came along just then. Noting the boy's failure, he asked, 'Are you using all your strength?' 'Yes, I am,' the little boy said impatiently. 'No, you are not,' the father answered. 'I am right here just waiting, and you haven't asked me to help you.'"

The more I reflect on my own life and listen to so many people talk about theirs, I'm struck by the truth that it is easy for us to get so caught up in our individual challenges--we're so lost in the weeds of our own lives, or so focused on lifting the heavy stones--we don't notice and take advantage of people around us who would be willing to support us if we just asked.

Ten Minute Consult

In my strengths coaching at Amazon Lab 126, one of the ways I encouraged teams to utilize strengths that the team didn't possess was what I call "Ten Minute Consult."  Call up someone in the department who isn't on your team but who has the strength you need and make the simple ask:  "Hey, would you be willing to give us 10 minutes of consulting time?  We're faced with a problem we really could use your strength to advise us with."

It's a simply strategy that doesn't require a lot of time.  But it continues to build on one of the most important paradigms for effective living:  collaboration.

Collaboration & Interdependence

I think it's a genius reality that none of us is omnicompetent, none of us possesses all the strengths as our top strength.  It forces us to recognize our interdependence upon others.

Successful people rely upon others and their strengths to lift their heavy stones.  They choose to live by the truism,

We are stronger together than by ourselves.

One of the outcomes of this willingness to collaborate is validation and affirmation.  It feels good to be asked to contribute from your place of strength.  It feels validating to have one of your strengths affirmed and needed.

Don't Choose For Someone - Ask

It's sad that so many of us hesitate asking others for help because we don't want to inconvenience them or make them feel pressured in some way.  We essentially make the choice for them by simply not asking.

And yet, truth is, we've consequently robbed them of affirmation and validation and the reward of using their strengths in a positive, productive way.  Why not let them decide?  Why not trust them to know what they're wanting to do in any given moment and give them the opportunity to say Yes or No?  Why not give them opportunity to contribute their strengths to yours?

When a therapist was asked for one piece of advice he could give based upon all the wisdom he had gleaned from counseling thousands of people through the years, he made the profound observation:

"Know what you want, and learn to ask for it."

Reflection Questions

So what heavy stones are you trying to lift these days?

What strengths do you need that you don't have to help you accomplish this?

Who is around you that you could ask to assist you?

Have you been saying No for them without even asking?  What's stopping you?

It's time to schedule your next Ask.  Why not do what successful people do and get some help with your heavy stone.

Four Secrets to Paying Attention Well and Why That's Important

Research from the Associated Press shows*: The average attention span in 2012: 8 seconds The average attention span in 2000: 12 seconds The average attention span of a goldfish: 9 seconds Clearly, we've got an attention span problem in our culture.

And considering that the majority of us spend 70 to 80 percent of our waking hours communicating, what kind of communication is actually happening every day with such short attention spans?

Think about this for a minute.  The ability to communicate and be present with each other is one of the most important things we learn as humans.  Dr. Jack Bennett, a life coach who explores happiness, behavior change, and personal development, emphasizes, “Giving someone our full, undivided attention is fundamental to our business and interpersonal relationships."*

The outcomes are hugely significant.  Effective communication creates a bond of closeness, reduces conflict, enhances personal and professional relationships, and in many cases, helps you get more of what you want out of life.

But, when faced with the chance to listen to what someone has to say, to tune in and "be present," most of us are falling short. We're busy thinking about ourselves, what we're going to say next in conversations, or our errands, our work or in so many cases, we're busy focused on electronics.  We're simply not paying attention.

Graham D. Bodie, professor of communication studies at The Louisiana State University, in extensive research about outcomes to paying attention, reveals that people who are good listeners are more liked, rated as more attractive and garner more trust than those who are less proficient at listening.  They are also high academic achievers, have better socio-emotional development, and are even more likely to get promoted at work.  Fairly significant outcomes, I'd say!*

So with all this research reinforcing the importance of paying quality attention to each other, why do we do so little of it?  Why have we allowed our attention span to decrease through the years rather than increase?  Why is our emotional intelligence more stunted than ever before in spite of being confronted with more information about what it takes to live mature, effective, and healthy lives?  Why is our communication ability so poor?  Do we simply not know how?  Or are we so self absorbed and lazy that we refuse to engage in the work?

Four Secrets to Paying Attention Well

I am of the firm opinion that you and I can learn how to pay more effective attention in our communications with others.  We can learn how to listen better.

Here are four things to work on that improve our attention capabilities.

Observe - Eye contact - Mindfulness - Empathize.

Choose to observe - notice the other person.  What is their body language saying?  Can you mirror it?  What are you seeing about him or her right now?  What does that tell you about what they're feeling?  What do you observe about your own body language?  What feelings or thoughts is that communicating?  Communication involves two people interacting together.  You can't improve what you don't observe.

Choose to make eye contact.  This establishes a connection, a bond, and indicates you're interested.  On average, according to experts, the appropriate amount of eye contact is 50% while speaking and 70% while listening.  If, as the saying goes, the eyes are the windows to the soul, you pretty much have to notice the eyes in order to connect meaningfully to people.

Choose to be mindful.  Effective listening is about not just having your mouth quiet but also your mind quiet.  It's keeping yourself from the tendency to be thinking about what you're going to say next or other more pressing issues in order to be "fully present" to the other person.  The more you practice mindfulness outside of interpersonal communication, the more you can perform it inside.

Choose to empathize.  Here's the way one author puts it:  "Empathizing with someone is really having the ability to understand the 'humanity of a situation' and knowing what it means to be in the other person’s shoes."

We all want to be understood and validated.  That's what helps us be more fully alive and ourselves.  Empathy from others gives us that gift.  You can give it, too.

"When we truly feel listened to, in the emotional sense of the word, we feel more satisfied with our relationships.  What’s more, people who have a high EQ—emotional intelligence—are capable of making better decisions simply because they have the capacity to see a situation from someone else’s perspective."  (Dr. Graham Bodie) *

There's A Price For Not Paying Attention

The Bay area news reported recently on a young university student who was riding the MUNI when a complete stranger suddenly shot him as he began to exit from the train.  The MUNI cameras recorded the whole situation.

What made the event even more tragic was that the perpetrator had his gun out in the open for a long time while standing there on the train, even using it to scratch his nose at one point.  But no one noticed it.  In fact, no one even noticed the entire exchange.  As the cameras so blatantly recorded, everyone in that car had their heads down, eyes glued to their phones and tablets.  They simply weren't paying any attention to anything other than themselves.

We're living in a culture that is becoming increasingly self absorbed.  Our human connections are paying a price.  Communication is being stunted and more and more ineffective.  People just aren't listening and paying attention to each other in meaningful, healthy ways.

But we can choose to be different.  We can choose to pay attention.  We can choose healthy and effective communication with each other.  We can practice and learn.

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* This reference and several of the research reference points are thanks to Ashley Neglia, "The #1 Skill of Extremely Likable (and Successful) People" (Grandparents.com, 9/26/2013)

A Nonnegotiable For Great Relationships: What It Takes to Work Really Well Together

I'm currently reading a book titled 12:  The Elements of Great Managing.  It's based on Gallup's ten million workplace interviews - the largest worldwide study of employee engagement.  It has some really profound perspectives on what it takes for people to feel deeply and effectively a meaningfully contributing part of organizations and teams.  I'm realizing as I read that these principles apply to every social system like families, marriages, significant relationships, faith communities. The very first element that produces radically increased engagement among people is "knowing what's expected."  Reality-based, clearly stated, shared expectations.

Now this may not seem like rocket-science to you (and it's not), but you would be surprised how often our relational challenges stem from unclear, unshared, and unreal expectations of each other.

Reality-based Expectations

I had two 2-hour sessions with a couple of faith community leaders who work together as a staff.  Their relationship for the last few years has deteriorated to the point of both people considering leaving and finding separate ministry opportunities.  Trust is at an all time low.

It turned out that both leaders had a certain expectation about each other's leadership style that wasn't getting met.  And over time, these unmet expectations created serious tension, frustration, and what appeared to them as lack of respect for each other, and ultimately the disintegrating ability to trust the other.

Once I helped them see that each of their leadership styles were different from the other's because leadership style is based upon each person's top five strengths profile not some predetermined template for how leadership is suppose to look, this was able to shift their expectations of each other to a more realistic place.  That new shared view of each other could be validated, honored, and respected - because both styles are good ... just different.  It was heart-warming to hear both of them starting to complement and affirm each other for what they now saw as each other's unique strengths and style.

Expectations of the people in our lives has to be based upon reality - a clear understanding of who each other is and how we're each wired to be our best.

Clearly Stated Expectations

And we can't know what's expected of us unless the other is willing to clearly state their expectations.

As I work with couples and teams, I realize how often so many of us expect others to be "mind readers."  We simply expect people to know what we're thinking and what we're needing without us having to tell them.

Now, most of us wouldn't admit that's what we're doing.  But our behavior would sure indicate it.

Analyze a few of your last relationship arguments.  Chances are you'll discover that at the heart of the misunderstanding or hurt feelings was your expectation (or desire) for the other person to simply know what you want.  Some how, we give more points if they guess correctly - their attempts to relate have more value if they come unprompted.  Right?

I want my wife to be so intuitive, to read my every micro-expression, to know me so well, so as to just "know" what I'm needing or wanting or expecting.  And if she can't guess, then at least she should "pull it out of me" by means of her great relational skills of wise questions and sensitive, caring prompts.

But as you and I both know (in our saner moments), this is ridiculous!  Unfair!  And unrealistic!

Most of us simply aren't clairvoyant.  We don't have a crystal ball with our partner's name on it.  We're not mind readers with extra-sensory perception.  Neither are the other people in our lives.

If we want others to know what we expect, what we need, what we want, we need to know ourselves and then be willing to state it.  Clearly.  So as to be completely understood.  Otherwise, the onus is on us.  Clearly stated expectations.

Shared Expectations

Only then can expectations be shared - that wonderful place where both sides not only clearly see and understand the other, but also where they agree to co-inhabit the expectation.

This third level is a bit more tricky and difficult.  It takes more compromise and commitment to each other; more trust; more desire; more willingness to find and achieve consensus; more persistence; more patience; more grace.  More work.

But when something is mutually shared, it's worth a lot.  Right?  There's deep strength to it.  Solid commitment.  A sense of committed partnership and collaboration.  Mutual honor and respect.  A lessening of resentment, anger, and frustration.

This kind of shared experience (which includes clear and shared expectations) is what leads experts to call basketball "a chemistry sport."  As a team practices and plays together, the players develop a "tacit knowledge" about each other--they have clear understanding about each other's roles, strengths, weaknesses, styles, quirks, typical patterns--and this knowledge ultimately enables the team to experience synchronicity.  To the onlooker, it appears almost magical the way players can anticipate and execute and adjust to each other in a unified and effective manner.

Our relationships - our social systems - are chemistry sports, too.  Which means we each take responsibility to develop clear, realistic, and shared expectations and understandings of each other if we want to live and work effectively together.

So how's your chemistry and synchronicity with the people in your life?

Three Ways Healthy Spirituality Is Inherently Relational

The Tiger and the Fox An old Sufi story* tells about a man walking through the forest who saw a fox that had lost its legs and the man wondered how it lived.  Then he saw a tiger come up with game in its mouth.  The tiger ate its fill and left the rest of the meat for the fox.

The next day God fed the fox by means of the same tiger.  The man began to wonder at God's greatness and said to himself, "I too shall rest in a corner with full trust in the Lord and he will provide me with all that I need."

He did this for many days but nothing happened.  He was almost at death's door from starvation when he heard a voice say, "O you who are in the path of error, open your eyes to the truth!  Stop imitating the disabled fox and follow the example of the tiger."

Three Nonnegotiables for Healthy Spiritual Living

This ancient story reveals several secrets to effective spiritual living and why we need people to become truly self actualized.

One, spirituality is deeply relational.

The fabric of our being is communal and relational.  We thrive the most when we learn how to live effectively within the context of our relationships.

There's no such thing as a Lone Ranger spirituality.

There's this myth about spirituality in contrast to religion that says that spirituality is personal and private, while religion is communal.  Not true!

Effective, transformational spirituality is not about living up on the mountaintop in direct communication with the Universe, like the stereotypical picture of the monk or guru who sits up on the peak alone receiving and dispensing the wisdom of life to intrepid and interested mountain climbers or spiritual seekers.

Effective spirituality is like the tiger in our story---taking what feeds us and sharing it with hungry people.  And the truth is, everyone in our circles of relationships are hungry in various ways.

Spirituality is essentially relational because our growth as people is directly impacted by our ability to relate to people.  It's in our relationships where the rubs of life so often take place.  So unless we learn how to navigate those "rubs" - our journey toward becoming more actualized humans on this planet of people by living life well among people - we isolate our spirituality and it eventually withers into ineffectiveness.

Two, relational spirituality reframes faith and trust.

The man in our story was rebuked by God for trying to imitate the passiveness of the fox rather than the active sharing of the tiger.

Many people have the view of spirituality as mostly sitting and waiting on God.  "It's just you and me, God," they say.  "God will provide.  I just need to have enough faith in order to experience God's intervention."  It's the "monk in the cave" or "guru on the mountaintop" approach.

The problem with this kind of spiritual paradigm is that it leads to isolationism.  If God only acted directly, why would you need others?  If you could become completely self-actualized in a vacuum, why would you need others?  God could simply put each of us in a sealed off vacuum chamber until we finalized achieved perfection, and then let us free.

Trust in God or the Universe is not just sitting in a corner trying to convince yourself that you will be provided for if you simply have enough faith.

I've discovered in my life that most often the way God has provided for me is through other people who have shared their love, generosity, and support with me.  God has used "the tigers" in my life to bless me time and time again.

My willingness to open myself up to other people, to be willing to receive from them, is an act of radical trust in God and the humanity that God chooses to work through.  My willingness to stop trying to be "superman," mister omnicompetent superhero in life who can go it alone very well, thank you, and instead realize my need for other people to help me grow into the man I'm meant to be, is an act of radical trust in God and the people God chooses to use in my life.

Three, spirituality demands a relational environment because at the heart of spirituality is forgiveness and love.

All spiritual traditions describe the fundamental nature of God with the word love.  God is love.

Here's the way the Christian scriptures state this reality:

"Since God loved us that much [Jesus giving his life to forgive us], we surely ought to love each other.  No one has ever seen God.  But if we love each other, God lives in us, and God's love has been brought to full expression through us...God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them."  1 John 4:11-12

In the one of the most concise descriptions of the divine nature, we are reminded that God is love.  And notice that central to the attribute of divine love is forgiveness.  And the natural progression of that spiritual experience is that we are then people who love and therefore who forgive others.

Our spiritual development, the process of becoming more and more self actualized as human beings, is to learn how to love more deeply and more completely.  We learn to love ourselves.  And we learn to love others.  Spiritual growth is about growing in the process of loving well.

But you and I cannot truly love either ourselves or others without learning how to forgive.  The point is, it is only within the context of relationships---where we experience the bumps and bruises of life---that we learn how to love and forgive.  That's where healthy spirituality is developed.

Loving and Forgiving Without Judgment

One of the obstacles we often face with loving and forgiving is our tendency to judge people.  Notice in our story, the tiger gives food to the disabled fox without condemning or judging the fox.  The tiger refuses to interrogate the fox about how it lost its legs.  Was it being irresponsible?  Who's fault was it?  Did the fox make bad or unwise choices that led to this tragic loss?

No, the tiger saw the need and without judgment gave of its own abundance.

Divine love and forgiveness are always without conditions.  They are simply given, no strings attached.  That's why those actions and predispositions with God are called grace.

The truth is, you and I as human beings simply cannot grow spiritually to our most actualized selves outside the context of our relationships.  Why?  Because it is in our relationships where we are forced to rub up against others and they with us in a way that prompts and teaches us what it means to really love and forgive in every context of our lives.

So which do you find yourself modeling or identifying more with in your spiritual life?  The man who tried to be like the fox, or the tiger?

* Adapted from Anthony de Mello, The Song of the Bird, p. 79.

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I'm offering a cycle of 3 spiritual retreats, starting in October, anchored in the seasons of Fall, Winter, and Spring.  These retreats are designed to provide you the time, space, and resources to shape your spirituality in deeper and more meaningful ways that honor who you are and where you are along your journey of life.  This will be a transformational experience for you to reflect and explore a more relational, and more self actualized spiritual journey.  Click this link for more information:  Spiritual Retreats.

Strength-based Living is a Stewardship Issue

Benjamin Franklin once said:

"Wasted strengths are like sundials in the shade."

Have you ever tried reading time from a sundial in the shade?  Hard to do it, isn't it.  For a sundial to work, it needs to be--go figure--in the sun.

I walked into one of the parks in Golden Gate Park and got all excited when I saw an old sundial.  I couldn't wait to figure out the time with this ancient instrument.

And then, when I got closer, I noticed that tree branches had grown out and over the sundial essentially putting it in perpetual shade.  The sundial was worthless other than as an ancient artifact.

Truth is, wasted strengths are like sundials in the shade.

For you to be able to shine with the brightness you were made for, for you to be able to point accurately to your true timing so that you give maximum benefit to others, you must be in "your sun"---you must know and use your strengths.  No one else can do it for you.  You are the steward of your strengths.  Don't waste them.  They're some of the best, most effective resources you have.

Here's how it can look when you choose to wisely steward your strengths.  Let's see what lessons we can learn from one highly successful person.

Warren Buffett's Strengths Stewardship

Marcus Buckingham, in his book Now, Discover Your Strengths, talks about Warren Buffett.  He's one of the richest people in the world who comes from such humble beginnings in Omaha, Nebraska.  What a life he's lived.

Speaking to a roomful of students at the University of Nebraska, he said, "I may have more money than you do, but money doesn't make the difference."

To the students, many of whom could barely pay their phone bills each month, his observation seemed a bit glib.

But he continued:  "If there is any difference between you and me, it may simply be that I get up every day and have a chance to do what I love to do, every day.  If you want to learn anything from me, this is the best advice I can give you."

Though on the surface this appears to be the typical throwaway line from someone who's already banked their first billion, it's actually quite profound.

Turns out, Buffett is very sincere when he says this.  He loves what he does and genuinely believes that his reputation as the world's greatest investor is due in large part to his ability to carve out a role that plays to his strengths.

And his strengths as an investor actually are quite nontraditional and unexpected for high-powered successful investors these days.

Here's how it worked for him.  First, he is a very patient man, as opposed to the stereotypical impatient, high-speed, uber-active investor.  So he has turned his natural patience into his now famous "twenty-year perspective" that leads him to invest only in those companies whose trajectory he can forecast with some level of confidence for the next twenty years.

Second, his mind is more practical than conceptual.  So his practical mind made him suspicious of investing "theories" and broad market trends.    He once wrote in his Berkshire Hathaway annual report, "The only role of stock forecasters is to make fortune-tellers look good."  So he made the commitment to only invest in those companies whose products and services he could intuitively understand (e.g. Dairy Queen, Coca Cola, The Washington Post), the latest MBA theories and predictions be damned.

And third, he is inclined to be trusting of people's motives, not skeptical.  So he has put his trusting nature to good use by carefully vetting the senior managers of the companies in which he invested and then stepping back and away, letting them engage in their day-to-day operations without his interference.

Turns out, he's a world class investor because he deliberately and persistently plays to his strengths (his innate wiring and talents that he has honed with increased knowledge and skill through the years).

Buckingham makes this observation:  "The way he handles risk, the way he connects with other people, the way he makes his decisions, the way he derives satisfaction---not one of these is random.  They all form part of a unique pattern that is so stable his family and closest friends are able to recall its early tracings in the schoolyard in Omaha, Nebraska, half a century ago."  (p. 21)

Four Ways to Steward Your Strengths

So what lessons can we learn from Warren Buffett about how to effectively steward our best resources and strengths, about how we can be sundials in the sun not the shade?  What did he figure out that can serve as a practical guide for all of us?

"One, look inside yourself; Two, try to identify your strongest threads; Three, reinforce them with practice and learning; and Four, either find or carve out a role that draws on these strengths every day.  When you do these regularly, intentionally, and persistently, you will be more productive, more fulfilled, and more successful."  (p. 21)

These are exactly the four steps that comprise the outline of what I work on with all my coaching clients---and I do this work for myself, regularly and persistently.  In essence, I am helping myself and my clients to become wise and effective stewards of our best personal and professional resources---our God-given strengths.

I want for myself and for everyone else to be sundials that tell accurate time---and that are useful to others---because they're in the sun not the shade.  This is authenticity.

Four Ways to Pay Attention to the Relational Part of Spirituality

Rabbi Hanokh loved to tell this story: "For a whole year I felt a longing to go to my master Rabbi Bunam and talk with him.  But every time I entered the house, I felt I wasn't man enough.  Once though, when I was walking across a field and weeping, I knew that I must run to the rabbi without delay.  He asked, 'Why are you weeping?'

"I answered:  'I am after all alive in this world, a being created with all the senses and all the limbs, but I do not know what it is I was created for and what I am good for in this world.'

"'Little fool,' he replied, 'that's the same question I have carried around with me all my life.  You will come and eat the evening meal with me today.'"

What a beautiful depiction of the deeply relational aspect of the spiritual journey.  Here are several observations.

One, spirituality (the process of discovering your unique place in the world) is nurtured in community. 

The master rabbi knew this---the other rabbi's existential angst was an echo of his own search.  So he invited him into his home to share that hunger.

Spirituality in community blossoms from a oneness with others that blooms from "shared vision and shared goal, shared memory and shared hope."

As one author puts it,

"While spirituality can be discovered in solitude, it can be fulfilled only in community."

Two, spirituality is experienced and developed in mutuality.  A recognition and embrace of mutual hungers.

The master rabbi recognized his colleague's personal angst in himself, and responded to it from his own desire to pay attention to that search.  So he invited him into his home to share that mutual hunger.

Personal growth by nature must take place in an environment of mutuality---where we can relate to others who in turn can also relate to us; where we share with each other; where we are vulnerable with each other; where we encourage and support each other.  And in this context, we can grow together and allow each other to help expand our own hearts, minds, and spirits.

Three, spirituality is grown by listening to people's stories.

The master rabbi listened to his colleague's story of personal angst.  And then, after he invited him into his home for a meal (that symbol of intimate mutuality and relationship), they both could listen to each other express their mutual hunger and longing.

Noticing others who are echoing your own desires and longings, listening to them tell their own stories, and then choosing to connect with them more deeply, is a necessary part of spiritual growth.  Others' individual life experiences are powerful tools of hope and growth and wisdom for our own journeys.

Four, spirituality is shaped in healthy ways by being a nonanxious presence in each other's lives.

Though the master rabbi's name calling ("little fool") might seem perjorative toward his colleague, it wasn't a judgment against him.  It was simply an observation about his worldview and lack of understanding---"Don't you realize that we all have this hunger for finding our unique place in the world?  Why would you think I wouldn't understand this?  I, too, am searching for ultimate meaning and purpose in the world, just like you.  We're in this together!"

We're in this together!  Powerful words to hear from each other.  "I hold no judgment over you.  I too am in this same boat.  So let's row together.  Let's search for our unique places in the world together.  We'll hold the space for each other as each of us questions, doubts, wonders, explores, discovers, identifies, and walks (and even stumbles along) the road one step at a time.  Together."

Blinking or Winking Spirituality

Anthropologist Clifford Geertz, who studies manifestations of spirituality, uses the helpful distinction between a wink and a blink.  The wink and the blink have in common certain physiological characteristics---they look alike.  But a blink is unintended, automatic, its purpose self-contained:  to lubricate the eye.

A wink, on the other hand, has a different kind of purpose:  it conveys an intention---it is necessarily directed at another.  Why?  because the wink can succeed only as a wink if it is perceived by the other person as a wink and not a blink.  Right?

Dr. Geertz summarizes:

"Our most human behavior is fundamentally intentional, and intentionality becomes actualized only as effective co-intentionality:  which means simply that it takes two to make a wink; we cannot be humanly in isolation from others."

Healthy spirituality can be developed with "blinking."  It is a recognition of that sometimes automatic response we have to life--a sense of awe, gratitude, appreciation.  It's a "lubricating" of the eye of our hearts and minds and souls.

But a deeper kind of spirituality is developed and grown with "winking."  It's intentional, mutual, done in community, and signifies a sense of being in relationship with others in a pleasing, nonanxious way, being able to both see and embrace the wisdom of others.

We can't ignore the "blinking" spirituality.  But we need to especially pay attention to the "winking" aspect.

Matina Horner reminds us,

"To 'feel less alone' is without doubt an ultimate quest of all of life, yet perhaps never before has loneliness been so widespread as it is today."

We need more winking.  Don't you think?

Five Ways Relationships Become God's Holy Temple

There's an old rabbinical story that tells about two brothers living "time before time, when the world was young."  They each shared a field and a mill.  Each night they divided evenly the grain they had ground together during the day. Now as it happened, one of the brothers lived alone; the other had a wife and a large family.  One day, the single brother thought to himself:  "It isn't really fair that we divide the grain evenly.  I have only myself to care for, but my brother has children to feed."

So each night he secretly took some of his grain to his brother's granary to see that he was never without.

But the married brother said to himself one day, "It isn't really fair that we divide the grain evenly, because I have children to provide for me in my old age, but my brother has no one.  What will he do when he is old?"

So every night he secretly took some of his grain to his brother's granary.

As a result, both of them always found their supply of grain mysteriously replenished each morning.

Then one night the brothers met each other halfway between their two houses, suddenly realized what had been happening, and embraced each other in love.

The story is that God witnessed their meeting and proclaimed, "This is a holy place---a place of love---and here it is that my temple shall be built."

"And so it was.  The holy place, where God is made known, is the place where human beings discover each other in love." *

Here are four ways from this story that our relationships can be turned into holy temples where God chooses to dwell.

First, God's holy place on earth is the intersection between people where love is the center.

Our relationships of love are where God's temple is.  Those relationships are sacred ground.  When people respond to each other from a spirit of love and compassion, a temple of God is raised up.  God is revealed best and most completely within relationships of love.

Second, relationships become centered on love when each person looks at the other in a spirit of compassion and chooses to give what the other needs the most.

The spirit of compassion is antithetical to a competitive, win-lose worldview.  Sacred relationships are based upon a win-win paradigm.  We give what the other needs, not what we need to give.  We love in the language of the other so that our act of love is truly experienced as love by the other.

Third, a relationship of love doesn't necessarily mean both people agree with each other on everything.

Our ability to love each other pragmatically in the midst of our differences creates God's temple.  Contrary to popular opinion, love God's way doesn't mean having to unilaterally agree.  God's way of loving is giving to others no matter what, even when we disagree.

Fourth, people are empowered to love compassionately and generously when they see the other as their brother or sister.

Family members certainly don't all agree with each other---whether politically, theologically, philosophically, sociologically.  Families inherently contain great diversity.  But because they're all family, blood runs thicker than water.  Until we start seeing all others as members of our great global family---children of God, every one---we will continue struggling to give love and compassion graciously and generously to those we disagree with and are  different than.

Fifth, when people are in a relationship of love, they're content to give to the other anonymously, without credit or recognition.

The joy is in the giving because, as A Course In Miracles emphasizes, when a person gives, they always receive.  The New Testament references this reality when it says we reap what we sow.  In this universe, you can never give away something you don't also receive.  So you don't need credit or recognition in order to receive something; you've already received what you've given away.  When you give, you are never in a place of deficit.

When you and I deliberately and intentionally design our relationships to be centered on love, compassion, generosity, and grace---because we recognize and acknowledge our brotherhood and sisterhood with all others---we enter into the holy temple of God, we are on sacred ground.

"And so it was.  The holy place, where God is made known, is the place where human beings discover each other in love."

So how many sacred temples do you have in your life these days?

* Belden C. Lane, "Rabbinical Stories:  A Primer on Theological Method," Christian Century 98:41 (December 16, 1981), pp. 1307-8.

Healthy Friendship, Undistorted Mirrors, and Spiritual Growth

During a time of great crisis in my life, my therapist said to me,

"Remember Greg, other people's reactions to you say more about their story than about yours."

I've never forgotten that advice.  I've certainly seen it to be true over and over again.  And it's helped me stay focused and centered and grounded on my truth ... most of the time.

You need to remember this, too, whenever people choose to respond to you in judgmental or critical ways because you've done something or said something they disagree with or oppose.  One of the lessons we learn in life is that people tend to see us through the lens of their own self concept.  They actually are judging themselves vicariously through us.

We are often loved and admired for who people choose to think we are or need us to be rather than who we really are.  And conversely, we are often rejected or snubbed not for who we really are but for who they see us to be and whether we've lived up or not to their projected image of us.

Either way, we are being responded to from their own personal needs not our own.  It's a false self and image.  They're not holding up an undistorted mirror for us to see ourselves as we really are.  They're holding up a picture they've painted of us.  And it's destructive to us if we base our self worth on an illusion.

I love the way Richard Rohr, in his book Falling Upward, puts it:

"Beauty or ugliness really is first of all in the eye of the beholder.  Good people will mirror goodness in us, which is why we love them so much.  Not-so-mature people will mirror their own unlived and confused life onto us, which is why they confuse and confound us so much, and why they are so hard to love."  (p. 153)

For this reason, as Rohr emphasizes, it is a necessity for us to find at least one undistorted mirror that reveals our inner, deepest, and yes, divine image:  a loving, honest friend to help ground us by how they see us in our truth and accept us for our truth.

A Spiritual Dimension of Friendship

This is truly one of the deep spiritual dimensions of friendship and human relationship.  Healthy friendship holds a mirror in front of us so we can see ourselves undistorted, the way we truly are, who we really are.  And that friend who holds the mirror for us says to us, "Whatever you see in this mirror, I love.  I accept you the way you truly are---the real you, not some false image of you that either I or others might project, or even you might project on yourself.  I love and accept You."

I have a friend just like that.  He and I have been on our friendship journey for 15 years or so.  We have talked on the phone or in person whenever we can be together almost every week of those 15 years.  He has held the mirror in front of me through the highs and lows of my life, reminding me of who I really am, no matter how others have responded to me.  That mirror has revealed some ugly things that I tend to shrink away from, as well as some beautiful things I'm drawn to.  But through it all, he has loved, accepted, and affirmed me for who I really am beyond all the externals I and others tend to fixate on.  And that has helped empower my own growth into the person I truly am and want to be.

Rohr makes the observation that

"it is only whose who respond to the real you, good or bad, that help you in the long run" (p. 153).  This is the only kind of love that ever redeems.

That's why my friend Paul has been so empowering and transforming to me through all these years.  Together, we have learned and practiced how to see each other through the lens of our deepest core truth.  And this authentic sight has been instrumental in growing us both spiritually, relationally, and individually.

This is the way God has modeled friendship with us.

"Like any true mirror, the gaze of God receives us exactly as we are, without judgment or distortion, subtraction or addition.  Such perfect receiving is what transforms us.  Being totally received as we truly are is what we wait and long for all our lives.  All we can do is receive and return the loving gaze of God every day, and afterwards we will be internally free and deeply happy at the same time.  The One who knows all has no trouble including, accepting, and forgiving all.  Soon we who are gazed upon so perfectly can pass on the same accepting gaze to all others who need it.  There is no longer any question 'Does he or she deserve it?'"  (Ibid., pp. 159-60)

My friend Paul continues to give God's gift of perfect receiving to me time and again.  I hope I can do the same for him.  After all, it's our deepest human longing and desire---to be loved, accepted, and perfectly received no matter what.  Isn't it?

Are you that kind of friend to someone else?  Do you have this kind of undistorted mirror in your own life?  Is your view of God/the Universe one of perfect receiving of you, who you really are, with no judgment, only acceptance---that you belong here in this world in all of your authentic being---that you truly matter?

A Spirituality of Imperfection: God Shines Through the Cracks in Our Armor

Nakedness and Inadequacy Remember that nightmare we've all had at one point or another about being naked in public in front of a crowd?  Do you remember what you feel in that dream?  Excited?  Elated?  Proud?  Seductive?

Most often we feel shame, fear, embarrassment, extreme vulnerability, powerful discomfort, maybe even horrified.

Why?  Because the dream is often about the fear of exposure, fear of rejection; that if people saw us for who we really are, they would not accept us, they might even ridicule us.  Dreams about nakedness in public is about a deep fear of inadequacy and even shame.

So our culture demands that we go out in public looking good, clothed not just adequately but impressively.  We grow up in families that equate high performance with value and worth.  We learn early on to hide our inadequacies as best we can in order to appear put together.  Perfection is the standard.

The irony is that deep down we know that perfection is not only unreasonable, it's pretty much impossible.  Read my last blog where I give the example of the hitting percentage of baseball's best players.  Even the greatest batters in history never hit perfectly.  And they're heroes.

And yet we continue to hold ourselves accountable to that perfection measuring stick, holding our self esteem and self worth hostage to an impossible standard.  And if you're a part of a religious community, that standard is spiritualized and theologized, raising the stakes even higher of having to measure up.

Connecting Perfectionism and Shame

Dr. Brene Brown, in her book The Gifts of Imperfection, points out that

"where perfectionism exists, shame is always lurking.  In fact, shame is the birthplace of perfectionism."  (p. 55)

That certainly explains our fear of exposure in our nightmare of being naked in public.  We will do whatever it takes to keep our inadequacies from being seen because deep down there's a feeling of shame connected to failure or imperfection.  We see ourselves as "less than" in our failures.

So we resort to whatever form of perfectionism most fits our goal of appearing "together" in every setting:  e.g. we'll not take on any difficult tasks or take any risks for fear of failing and being exposed; we'll automatically assume responsibility for something going wrong, taking the blame; or we'll refuse to ever own up to mistakes, blaming other people for what went wrong; we'll avoid any situations that might cause us to look like we're not good enough; or we'll refuse to leave the house unless we look just "right" in public, trying to maintain a predetermined image that's acceptable to us and others.  And the list goes on.

But let's face it:  this is a really really tiring way to live!  Isn't it?  It takes a lot of mental and emotional energy to try to maintain a perfect image for everyone else, including ourselves.  Exhausting!  And it keeps us from the freedom of really living life and enjoying life in new and wonderful ways.  That belief system narrows rather than expands our lives.

Three Ways A Spirituality of Imperfection is an Antidote to Perfectionism

One of the powerful antidotes to this debilitating life approach is the practice of a spirituality of imperfection.  That's right.  Healthy, genuine spirituality is based upon embracing the value of imperfection.

Here are several Whys and Hows to practicing this spirituality of imperfection.

First, imperfection is a call to practice compassion on yourself.

Dr. Brown interviewed scores of people who were engaging with the world from a place of authenticity and worthiness.  She noticed that all had a lot in common experience when it came to perfectionism.  First, they spoke about their imperfections in a tender and honest way, and without shame and fear.  Second, they were slow to judge themselves and others.  They operated from a place of "We're all doing the best we can."  Their ability to step into self compassion was extremely high.  (Ibid., p. 59)

The next time you make a mistake or do something less than perfectly, practice compassion on yourself.  Don't judge yourself negatively by going to that indictment, "I'm such a loser!  Why can't I do anything well!  If people knew I was this kind of a failure, they'd reject me for sure!"

"A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day.  A string of such moments can change the course of your life."  Christopher K. Germer

Second, imperfection is a place of Light.  Let it in.

The great spiritual teachers of the past saw imperfection as the crack in the armor, the "wound" that lets God in.

Meister Eckhart (the 13th century German theologican, mystic, and philosopher) wrote,

"To get at the core of God at his greatest, one must first get into the core of himself at his least."

This truth is applied by the contemporary Jungian analyst who identifies "addictions," for example, as one of the "wounds" that lets God in:

"Addiction keeps a person in touch with the god .... At the very point of the vulnerability is where the surrender takes place---that is where the god enters.  The god comes through the wound."

So rather than immediately condemning ourselves for a mistake, failure, or even continual "wound" whenever it manifests itself, pause ... embrace it ... and let it bring you to the point of surrender ... let it point you to God who comes through that mistake to embrace you and love you, and then to little by little bring healing to your wound.

Isn't that what we do as parents when our child falls down, scrapes himself, and comes to us bleeding.  We don't refuse him, telling him to get cleaned and bandaged up first before we embrace him.  We get down on our knees, pull him into our arms, holding him tightly and tenderly, whispering words of love.  We gently clean up the wound, put a band-aid on it, and then hold him close again.  That moment of "wounding" lets our love into his life in tangible, intimate ways.

The New Testament spiritual leader Paul, who wrestled with what he called "a thorn in his flesh" (some kind of either physical or emotional or spiritual ongoing ailment) and kept asking God to remove it from his life, was confronted by the grace of God in the midst of his wound.  Rather than taking the "wound" away from Paul, God came to him in the middle of it, and said,

"My grace is sufficient for you.  My power is made perfect in your weakness."  2 Corinthians 12:9

So embrace your "wound" and let it allow God's amazing compassion and love to shine through the cracks of your armor straight into your life.

And third, imperfection is a place of Light.  Let it out.

To paraphrase Leonard Cohen's lyrics from Anthem,

"There's a crack in everything.  That's how the light gets out."

It is a misguided myth which our perfectionism gets us to buy into:  that we lose people's respect if we fail and make mistakes, if our "wounds" show too much.

Truth is, people aren't looking for perfection from us; people are wanting authenticity, honesty and transparency even about our imperfections.  "Be real," people often say.

The same New Testament spiritual leader, Paul, emphasized this truth when he described human beings as "clay pots"--cracked containers.  His point was that the Light (he called it the "glory of God") that lives inside us is able to shine out into the world through our cracks (2 Corinthians 4:7).  No cracks, no visible light to the world.  God needs our cracks so God's glory can shine through us in order to reveal divine compassion and love to others.

So rather than running from our imperfections, rather than covering them over, or hiding them, or even denying them, we can "sanctify" them (give them over to a holy purpose)--that is, allow them to be used by the Light as vehicles through which the Light of Love radiates out to the world.

Leonard Cohen is right.  There's a crack in everything.  That's how the light gets out.

Sometimes, it's the "sinners" that are more appealing than the "saints."  Who wants to be around someone who tries to be perfect all the time, who refuses to admit imperfection in themselves or others, and who thinks they're more "righteous" than everyone else?  No grace or compassion there.  Perfectionism is, after all, an attempt to play God.

So embrace the crack.  Be vulnerable.  Be authentic and transparent.  That will be used by God to let the Light shine out, to show others that even in our imperfections, love and compassion can shine through and be visible and experienced by others.  Sometimes, it's our willingness to be "naked" in public that reveals the true glory of God.

It's Time To Get Over Our Perfectionism: How To Take A Lesson From Baseball

Baseball's Lesson It's fascinating to look at the sport of baseball and notice the greatest hitters in the history of the game---you can't help but see something profound immediately.  The all-time best hitter, Ty Cobb, had a career batting average of .366.  No one has been able to reach that level in a career before or since.  That's .366 out of .1000.

What this means is that over 6 out of every 10 times Cobb got up to bat, he went out.  And he's considered the greatest.

Which begs the questions, why is it that our expectations for baseball are so radically different than our expectations for ourselves and everyone else in the rest of life?

The Commissioner of Baseball in 1991, Francis T. Vincent, Jr., made this astute observation:

"Baseball teaches us, or has taught most of us, how to deal with failure.  We learn at a very young age that failure is the norm in baseball and, precisely because we have failed, we hold in high regard those who fail less often---those who hit safely in one out of three chances and become star players.  I find it fascinating that baseball, alone in sport, considers errors to be part of the game, part of its rigorous truth."

Ironic--that errors are part of it's rigorous truth.  Almost oxymoronic.  But refreshing and true.

Institutionalized Perfectionism

I grew up in a Church that rigorously fights an ongoing war against failure.  Error is seen as a lack of spirituality and trust in God.  If you simply trusted God more, you would overcome your tendency to "strike out" when you stepped up to the plate of life.  With God's help, you can get better and better at hitting the ball whenever you're up to bat.  And before the world ends, God expects you to hit home runs or at least hit safely every time you're up.

There's a word for this view:  perfectionism.

For the most part in my life, I played the game pretty successfully.  I knew the rules inside and out and was quite accomplished at fulfilling and living up to them well.  I certainly received a lot of accolades for how successful I was, at least on the outside of my life--which is the only side of anyone people can really see, right?

So when you live in a perfectionist culture where mistakes and failures aren't accepted as the norm, there's intense pressure to measure up to the highest standard in order to feel good enough.  Self worth becomes built upon performance.

Without realizing it, my sense of self was being constructed on a shaky foundation.  I had to make sure I was successful and didn't fail; I had to constantly prove my worth by my performance.  So if you're one of those lucky ones, like I was, who is able to be really productive within the accepted measurements, you're rewarded---you get praise and positive attention from others and therefore you can give yourself the same.

Until the big failure and fall.  And I had it.  Epic.  My whole world collapsed around me.  And in one fell swoop I was on the outside, no longer seen as successful, all my past accomplishments wiped off the slate of institutional memory.

Unlike baseball's radical paradigm in which the player steps up to the plate and strikes out, still maintaining his beloved stature as the valued and famed hitter even though he goes out 6 out of every 10 times---in my world it was, one big strike and you're out, for good.

Identity and Self Acceptance

Beyond the pain of the institutional response to me, my biggest personal challenge suddenly became, Now that I've blown it big time, what is my identity, where do my feelings of worth and value come from without that great reputation?  Can I accept myself even in the midst of failure?  Or am I simply a loser forever from now on?

My road back to a sense of deep personal acceptance and worth was long and difficult.  But in the end, the opportunity to build my sense of self on a much more stable foundation, than the shaky one of performance and perfection, was the most important outcome that could have ever happened to me.  It has given me a sense of confidence, security, and acceptance of myself in powerfully authentic ways like never before.

Perhaps baseball has a lot to teach us about life.  Like the Commissioner observed, errors are part of the game and perfection is an impossible and unrealistic and not even expected goal.  No player ever bats .1000 in a career.  Ever.

So the ongoing questions for me in my life is that whenever I make mistakes (and I do, often), whenever I don't live up to my values in even small ways, whenever I try something and make a mess of it, whenever I feel the need to present myself to others as all together, whenever I am tempted not to feel good enough unless I do it all perfectly--whenever I'm faced with these moments, can I still feel a sense of value, acceptance, and okayness and refuse to place my worth in judgment?

A Spirituality of Imperfection

What would happen if we built our view and experience of spirituality on imperfection rather than perfection, that we would stop expecting no mistakes or failures and start expecting errors as a natural part of the game of life?

Would it mean that we would simply compromise away our values?  Would it mean we're simply trying to rationalize and justify our mistakes?  Would it mean that we would be embracing an "anything goes" philosophy, that it wouldn't matter any more if we failed or made mistakes, no matter how many people we hurt along the way?

That's certainly not the way it's worked with me.  Re-establishing my sense of self and building it on the foundation of the reality of imperfection, and learning how to embrace myself in the midst of failure, has in fact increased my value for healing and wholeness, for showing up in the world in ways that elicit deeper trust and joy in others.

But I have done this on the unshakable foundation of self acceptance, not for how successful I am or am not, but for who I am as a child of God---fully loved and deeply accepted as I am, not as I should be.

When I get clear on this truth, I am much more empowered to grow, to take risks on my journey of transformation, knowing that when I step up the plate and strike out or ground out or hit a fly ball and go out, I'm still a perfectly loved and valued person who belongs on the team of life. My place is secure.

That freedom motivates me to be my best, to know who I am in every situation and live it out with confidence and courage, even if I don't do it just right every time.  Because the fear of failure has been removed.  I even allow myself to expect it from myself.

"Errors, of course, are part of the game.  They are part of our truth as human beings.  To deny our errors is to deny ourself, for to be human is to be imperfect, somehow error-prone.  To be human is to ask unanswerable questions, but to persist in asking them, to be broken and ache for wholeness, to hurt and to try to find a way to healing through the hurt.  To be human is to embody a paradox, for according to that ancient vision, we are 'less than the gods, more than the beasts, yet somehow also both.'  Spirituality begins with the acceptance that our fractured being, our imperfection, simply is:  There is no one to 'blame' for our errors--neither ourselves nor anyone nor anything else.  Spirituality helps us first to see, and then to understand, and eventually to accept the imperfection that lies at the very core of our human be-ing."  (The Spirituality of Imperfection:  Storytelling and the Search for Meaning, Ernest Kurtz and Katherine Ketcham, p. 2)

What this means is that we stop theologizing and religionizing perfection and imperfection.  Instead, we learn to embrace our humanity without negative judgment, simply what is.  And we allow ourselves to go on the journey of life with patience as well as resolve to become more and more whole, while living with our cracks.  And we ramp up our courage to actually admit, "Nobody's perfect.  Neither am I.  And that's okay.  I'm still valued and loved and accepted as I learn to grow and develop into my healthiest self.  I belong on the Team."

If I can do this, I can then step up and, using all of my growing skill and wisdom, boldly and freely swing away.  I can let it rip more often because whether I hit it out of the park or into a fielder's waiting glove I am still loved and deeply accepted in who I am as a valued child of the universe, to myself and to God.  Period.  I'm on the Team.

Next time I'll talk about some of the significant implications of the spirituality of imperfection and building on this unshakeable foundation of Self.  Stay tuned.

Three Steps to Choosing Authenticity and Getting Your Real Self To Stand Up

To Tell the Truth Do you remember that classic TV game show "To Tell the Truth?"  It was one of the longest running game shows ever, airing shows in every season for 45 years.

The premise was that four celebrity judges would try to guess which of the three contestants was the genuine character being described in an unusual and unique life story read out loud by the host.  All contestants introduced themselves by the name of the true character.  The two "imposter" contestants could lie with their answers, the true character had to tell the truth in every answer.  After questioning each contestant, the judges would vote.  The host would then say those famous words, "Will the real [name of the character] please stand up."

I used to love watching the show, trying to guess which was the real character.  I sometimes got it right.  But often I was completely surprised.  And I've never forgotten the host's line at the end of the vote:  Will the real ________ please stand up."

So what was the appeal to such a simple game show?  The drama of trying to figure out who was who?  Deception?  Humor?  Seeing judges voting?  Unusual life stories?  A competition of winning and losing?

Probably all of the above.  But I think there was also something else at play.  We are drawn to that which is true, to people who are able to stand up and truly be themselves.  We call this Authenticity.

Defining Authenticity

I'm inspired by the way Brene Brown, in her book The Gifts of Imperfection, defines Authenticity:

"Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are."  (p. 50)

The "letting go" of this ideal self we think we're supposed to be (and even that can change depending on which environment we're in at any given time) is really hard.  Isn't it?  Why?

Why Living Authentically is So Difficult

Our external culture.  We live in a world that strongly encourages, sometimes even demands, that we fit in, don't stand out too much, conform to accepted expectations and standards.  Though our country was founded on individuality and the pioneering spirit, our culture has strong ways of limiting all of that.

We're raised to acquiesce to authority---the authority of parents, adults, institutions, people who know more than we do, power, position, status.  We're taught not to trust ourselves or our gut instincts or to look too deeply inside ourselves.  All true authority is outside ourselves, we're told.

No wonder we have in our culture an authenticity challenge.

Our internal Culture.  Compounding this cultural squeeze is the truth that inside ourselves we often have another battle raging.  It's a self-esteem and self-worth issue.  So that whenever we feel shame or unworthiness or guilt that creates self-doubt, we can quickly and easily sell ourselves out and say, "I can be anybody you need me to be.  Watch me!"

So we can allow our self-identity to shift with the winds and tides of our surrounding people---whatever it takes to please them or get their approval so we can feel good about ourselves.

We definitely have an authenticity challenge these days.

So how do we learn to choose authenticity more and more in our daily lives---to choose to be our real Selves in every context, living out the fullest and most confident expression of our true Selves?

Three Steps to Choosing Authenticity

Notice the three actions described in Dr. Brown's definition of Authenticity:

• Daily practicing

It's unrealistic to think that all of a sudden, one day we can simply declare, "Okay, I'm perfectly authentic now.  I'm good to go."

"Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day.  It's about the choice to show up and be real.  The choice to be honest.  The choice to let our true Selves be seen."  (p. 49)

When you consider that we are making this choice against everything that we've established through the course of life as being "true" about ourselves and what's really important---pleasing others at our own expense, living up to everyone else's expectations, letting every situation determine how "real" we should be, hiding behind masks, or trying hard to be someone we're really not---it's no wonder authenticity is a daily, even moment by moment, choice.  We have to practice it regularly.  We have to develop a new normal.

Authenticity is a process of becoming---a journey into being more fully genuinely ourselves.  So our practice demands:  "In this moment, faced with a choice of how I'll show up in this situation, I choose authenticity.  In this moment, I choose to be real and genuine and honest.  I will not hide myself.  In this moment, I will not let fear of what others might say or think dictate how I show up.  I choose to let my Self be expressed.  In this moment, I will be Me to the best of my knowledge and ability and in a spirit of respect, love, and compassion."

• Letting go of who we think we're supposed to be

We have to stop living our lives based on other people's expectations and standards.  We need to respect and honor their choices.  But we don't have to emulate them.  We are each unique individuals.  We have to let our masks go.  We have to let go of our attempts to squeeze into someone else's mold.  We have to let go of our obsession with pleasing and seeking approval in order for us to feel good about ourselves.

For a trapeze artist to let go of the trapeze and fly through nothing but empty air takes courage.  It's scary and even risky.

So is letting go of false identities---especially if we've lived them for a long time.  We end up flying through uncertainty, even at times lack of clarity about who we are.  We risk rejection and lack of acceptance.  People close to us might actually like us the way we've been.  We might "fail" at being Ourselves.  Yes, it takes courage to let go.

But we can't grab a hold of the true identity (the other trapeze bar) without letting go of the false.

• Embracing who we really are

Think of a time when you felt really true to yourself, when you felt completely safe, loved, accepted, honest, when you felt really strong and energized.  What was happening?  How were you showing up?

Chances are you were actually being your true Self.  That's what you have to embrace and grab a hold of.  That's the new trapeze bar you've been flying through space to catch.

That story you remember is a snapshot of your Authenticity.  Remember it.  Relish it.  Visualize it again and again.  Those powerful positive memories will give you courage to choose Authenticity again and again.  Embrace who you really are.

Embrace vulnerability.  Let go of the need for perfection, even in trying to be You.  Give yourself permission to fail, to make mistakes, to not do it really well every single time you embrace You.  That's okay.  You're on the journey of Authenticity.

Embrace compassion for your Self and for others.  Remember that you are made of both strength and struggle, as Brene Brown puts it.

Embrace the truth that you, as your true Self, are always enough!

Embrace that your greatest gift to the world---to everyone around you---the gift that God has given you and you alone, is You.  No one else is or can be You.  Stand in your Truth and that truth will set you and everyone around you free.  Only Authenticity gives freedom.  Don't deprive the world of your Authentic You.

So next time, when the situation arises and says, "Will the real You please stand up," jump to your feet, hold your head high, and with joy reply, "Here I am, you lucky people!" :)  And the rest of us will the better because of it.  So will You.

Choosing To Be Nobody But Yourself: The Costs and Rewards

E.E. Cummings once wrote, "To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody but yourself---means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight---and never stop fighting."

Wow! That statement really hits me deeply because I know that to be true in my life experience. There's a reason so many people don't go on the search for their authentic self---because it's so hard, sometimes even painful, definitely difficult. You're often battling against your own powerful limiting beliefs, against other people's expectations of and choices for you. It's easier to deny that nagging thought that we might not really be living our authentic selves.

No wonder it often takes a crisis to shake us off our pedestal, forcing us to go on the search for authenticity. When we choose to push against the system of our own beliefs and others' expectations, the system pushes back. You've felt that, haven't you? The systems in our lives use shame, guilt, religious dogmas (which in essence is using the "God" card---"you're going against God's will for you!"). We're told we're being selfish and narcissistic, thinking only of ourselves. "You just need to sacrifice yourself for the sake of others. After all, didn't Jesus say, 'Take up your cross and follow me?' Remember, life isn't just about you."  Those messages are deeply personal and painfully powerful to go up against.

Talk about strong push back. It always happens when you choose to practice authenticity, stepping into the full expression of your true self.

I remember walking the streets, sometimes in the middle of the night, wrestling and struggling with the implications of my choice to live my life rather than the life so many others I looked up to were telling me I was obligated to live. I felt so alone. The weight of the world burdened me down, sometimes even literally, as I felt the loss of so much I had valued in the past. The push back on every level was intense.

But little by little I began to realize that the alternative was even more potentially damaging. Even medical experts these days are recognizing this truth. Here's the way Dr. Brene Brown states it, in her book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are:

"If you're like me, practicing authenticity can feel like a daunting choice---there's risk involved in putting your true self out in the world. But I believe there's even more risk in hiding yourself and your gifts from the world. Our unexpressed ideas, opinions, and contributions don't just go away. They are likely to fester and eat away at our worthiness. I think we should be born with a warning label similar to the ones that come on cigarette packages: Caution: If you trade in your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief." (p. 53)

Sacrificing who we are for the sake of what other people think we should be just isn't worth it. There might be some short term pay offs (like superficial and conditional acceptance, affirmation, kudos). But the long term damage, as she points out, are brutal.

So what do you do when you're experiencing the Big Push Back? Brene Brown says she repeats three simply phrases to herself:

Don't shrink. Don't puff up. Stand on your sacred ground.

That's right. Your true Self is sacred ground. It's who God sees you to be and believes for you.

That's why Jesus, when the Devil tempted him to doubt his true Self, refused ... three times in a row ... in the middle of the hot desert ... when he was at his tiredest, hungriest, weakest.

"I don't need to do anything to prove myself to you, Devil, or to please anyone else's expectations for me. I know my truth because it came straight from the mouth of God when He told me, "You are my Beloved Son; I believe in you; I'm proud of you! Period!"

So next time you're feeling the Big Push Back, whether from your own inner doubts or other people or powerful institutions, remember to do three things:

Don't shrink! Don't puff up! Stand on your Sacred Ground!

And when you do, remember you're in good company. Even Jesus did that.

So here's to choosing authenticity. Here's to fighting the good fight. Here's to all the health and well being that come from standing in your truth.

And if you need some support to do this, write me (greg@gregorypnelson.com) and I'll suggest some ways I can be helpful.  GregoryPNelson.com