Reclaiming What It Means To Be A Real Man

My closest friend Paul and I were having our weekly phone visit a few days ago on New Years Day.  We shared how we had experienced and lived out the primary feeling words we had chosen at the beginning of 2013 - the feelings we most wanted to experience for the year and what activities we had engaged in to help us truly feel those words.

The sharing was powerful and very validating, as it always is when we visit - a weekly commitment we've made with each other for the last 16 years.  Being able to bear witness to each other's lives, the ups and the downs, the victories and the challenges, is extremely affirming and encouraging.

At the end of our New Years conversation, we both commented on how blessed and grateful we are to have this time set aside for deep, honest, authentic, sharing of our lives with each other.  We both know many men who simply don't have this experience in their lives for various reasons.

The Challenge of Men, Friendship, and Masculinity

As my last blog post described, I've been thinking a lot lately about the challenge we men have with intimacy with other men, in our friendships, in our professional associations (which manifests in such unhealthy ways in our leadership styles and insecurities).  Many of us have been conditioned since childhood that being a man means primarily being strong all the time, aggressive, not showing too much emotion, choosing confidence over authenticity, and being independent.

So our friendships tend to reflect that picture of masculinity.  We engage in activities - "shoulder to shoulder" rather than "face to face."  We play hard with and against each other.  We joke, we poke fun.  Our primary way of communicating is through sarcasm, trash talking, knocking the other - all in good form, of course.

When I was trying to find a picture for my last blog, and I googled "pictures of men's friendship," out of the hundreds of photos (mostly about men playing sports), there was one showing two men in a face to face conversation.

And we wonder why our culture is so biased when it comes to masculinity and what it means to be a real man.  Taking the time to share honest feelings, to talk about how life is going, to be transparent, empathetic, compassionate, and authentic expressions of need and insufficiency or inadequacy - that's for women.

Significant Research About What It Means to be a Real Man

In truth, though, more and more research is emerging to unabashedly reveal that that picture of masculinity is one-sided, limited, and insufficient to a healthy, strong life.  It's in fact only one piece (and often misused piece, at that) of what it means to be a man.

Dr. Niobe Way, professor of applied pschology at New York University, wrote a Huffington Post blog last November, explaining how the tragic child sex abuse scandal at Penn State by one of the football coaches could have happened ("Penn State and the Crisis of Masculinity").  She charts the typical process of conditioning our boys go through especially in their teen years.

And then she hits the research.  Stunning!

For example, Sociologist Kirsten Springer studied 1,000 middle-aged men, and found that those who most rigidly adhered to ideals of masculinity (such as emotional stoicism and toughness) reported the worst physical health over a 40-year period.

For example, Psychologists Joseph Pleck and James Mahalik also found that adhering to norms of masculinity such as emotional stoicism for boys and men is significantly associated with poor mental and physical health and with high rates of risky behavior and violence.

Not only is our culture's masculine norm producing unhealthiness, it also bleeds its disease profusely into the work place.

Misguided Masculinity Impacts the Workplace

What I see often when I do consulting and coaching in corporations and businesses is that this male leadership model (which tends to refer to employee development and personal growth as "soft skills" as opposed to the "hard skills" of data and financial productivity) ends up

reducing employee engagement, increasing stress, lowering employee loyalty to both cause and company, and ultimately leaving a carnage of bodies and disillusioned minds-hearts-and-spirits in the wake of these leaders.

Many male leaders are simply not getting it because they're acting out of a misguided sense of masculine strength and influence.

It's About Leveraging How We're Really Wired - Being Fully Human

The truth about men is actually counterintuitive.  Notice Dr. Way's description:

"Primatologist Frans De Waal, developmental psychologist Michael Tomasello and evolutionary anthropologist Sarah Hrdy, among many other scientists, conclude that we need a complete 'overhaul' in our conceptions of human nature to account for the extensive research that underscore our deeply empathic, cooperative, and relational nature. Caring about what others think and feel is the reason why, according to Charles Darwin, we have survived as a species. Being emotionally sensitive and caring about others is not a sign of being 'girly' or 'gay' but a core element of being human, essential for surviving and thriving."

That's profound!  We need to stop raising our boys with the stereotypical masculine image of emotional stoicism, independence, autonomy, and being strong as not showing caring and compassion too much (not exercising all those "girly" qualities).

What I'm talking about is what it means to be truly human - how we as men are in fact wired, and why reclaiming this part is nonnegotiable to both the survival and success of humanity.

This is a huge health issue.  And it's also about how we as men can be most effective, influential, and successful in whatever mission we're engaged in.

My friend Paul and I, in our conversation on New Years Day, ended our time by recommiting ourselves to our regular journey of sharing, accountability, and support.  Right before we hung up the phone, we affirmed to each other what an amazing blessing it is to carve out this sacred space in which we can be real, honest, emotionally aware, and authentic.  I can't imagine not having this kind of friendship in my life.

My friendship with Paul has and is truly making me a better man!

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Looking for a Speaker?

If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for keynote speakers or workshop teachers for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it.  And interested in strengths coaching?  Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com.

Men Really Need Intimate Friendships, Too

Are Male Friendships Different From Female Friendships? My wife Shasta Nelson is one of the leading friendship experts these days, especially in the realm of female friendships.  Her book Friendships Don't Just Happen:  The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of Girlfriends is one of the most complete and profound explanations and prescriptions of the multifaceted dimensions of healthy friendships - why it's important and how it can be developed and sustained in deep and meaningful ways.

As I've read her book and listened to her speak to multiple audiences, I've thought how much men need and crave this kind of friendship intimacy, too.

It's been a fascinating experience bringing this view up in conversations with men and women.  Invariably, some people respond by saying that male friendship looks different and men approach relationships from a completely different standpoint, their needs simply are different - as one male expert puts it, men's friendships are more "shoulder to shoulder" compared to women's which are "face to face".  Men bond over activities as compared to women who bond in conversation and self-disclosure.

For some reason, most likely a lot from my own personal experience as well as all my work as a coach and pastor with both genders, I've had a difficult time with that stereotypical and simplified depiction of male friendship.  I reject the notion that men don't crave intimacy  (which includes the need for honest and authentic self-disclosure and empathy) as much as women in our friendships.

When I have coaching conversations with men and create a safe space in which they can share their lives deeply and authentically, I'm finding that men are as fully capable, and in fact as sincerely interested, in full disclosure and admittance of the need for intimacy and honest sharing.  They are craving the same kind of depth and closeness in their friendships as women do, but for the most part they're simply not getting it.

Latest Research on Men's Friendships:  How the Shift Happens

Turns out, research is now showing this craving for depth and intimacy is absolutely true about men and their friendships.  Men are in fact wired with not only this same desire but also the capability for the same kind of intimate, deep friendships.

According to a recent article in Salon ("American Men’s Hidden  Crisis: They Need More Friends!") New York University psychologist Dr. Niobe Way studied and interviewed boys in each year of high school.  What she found was fascinating.

Until the age of 15-16, all the boys she interviewed described their friendships with other boys using the same vocabulary as the girls used about their friendships:

"Younger boys spoke eloquently about their love for and dependence on their male friends. In fact, research shows that boys are just as likely as girls to disclose personal feelings to their same-sex friends and they are just as talented at being able to sense their friends’ emotional states."

Then something happened.  From the age of 15-16 on (right at the same age that the suicide rate of boys increases to four times the rate of girls), the same boys talked about their guy friends far differently.

One of the boys described this shift the way almost all of those boys who were interviewed did:

When he was 15:  "[My best friend and I] love each other… that’s it… you have this thing that is deep, so deep, it’s within you, you can’t explain it. It’s just a thing that you know that person is that person… I guess in life, sometimes two people can really, really understand each other and really have a trust, respect and love for each other."

But when the same boy was a senior in high school, notice the shift:  "[My friend and I] we mostly joke around. It’s not like really anything serious or whatever… I don’t talk to nobody about serious stuff… I don’t talk to nobody. I don’t share my feelings really. Not that kind of person or whatever… It’s just something that I don’t do."

Why the Shift Happens

So what is happening?  As researchers are noting, as boys get older they are becoming conditioned to disassociate from what are often seen as more feminine qualities in order to be manly, macho, accepted in the male places of our world.

For example, why is it that sports coaches or military sergeants, in trying to motivate guys, call them "girls" -- as if somehow that demeaning use of a perfectly neutral term is suppose to inspire guys to be stronger, try harder, be more of a man?

So men learn early on to disassociate themselves from anything feminine--which unfortunately leads to a distancing from the experiences and expressions of need for intimacy, closeness, self disclosure, empathy, and other feelings.  Which in turn serves to isolate them from developing meaningful and close friendships with other men.

But as research continually reveals, this disassociation is actually distancing us as men from our complete selves by cutting vital parts of ourselves out.

Tragic Consequences of This Shift

Here's the way Lisa Wade, in her Salon article, reflecting Dr. Niobe Way's significant research, describes the tragic outcome:

"So men are pressed — from the time they’re very young — to disassociate from everything feminine.This imperative is incredibly limiting for them. Paradoxically, it makes men feel good because of a social agreement that masculine things are better than feminine things, but it’s not the same thing as freedom. It’s restrictive and dehumanizing. It’s oppression all dressed up as awesomeness. And it is part of why men have a hard time being friends."

Two Things Men Need to ReShift and ReFocus On Who They Really Are

First, Men need positive male role models to show the power and transformational experience of intimate friendships with other men - friendships built around mutual self-disclosure, honesty, authenticity, empathy, caring for each other, and yes, sharing good times with each other, too.  Male friendships are not an either/or proposition.  It's both/and.

And Second, Men need to be given permission that it's not caving to a stereotypical feminine way of being by wanting and engaging in deeper, caring male friendships.  Men need this permission from the women in their lives and from other men.  The media isn't helping at all!  So others need to step up and openly talk about what it means to be a male with all the multifaceted qualities men have inside them that need to be expressed and that contribute to building deep and lasting and meaningful friendships with other men.

Because the truth is, men are hardwired with a yin and yang of qualities:  we are both "soft" and "hard" -- we crave strength and power, and we also long for warmth, intimacy, caring, and empathetic nurturing and sharing.  Men have been cultured to neglect one for the sake of the other.  But it's both/and.

And the sooner we men embrace this truth, the healthier we will be emotionally, mentally, physically, and relationally.  We will be living in alignment with who we truly are.  And that's always the place of greatest authentic power and well being.

______________________________

If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for keynote speakers or workshop teachers for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it.  And interested in strengths coaching?  Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com.

It's All About Energy Management!

Higher Demands, Less Energy The American culture is becoming increasingly a place of higher demands.  Employers are trying to squeeze more and more from their employees.  Expectations for productivity are higher than ever.  Competition is fiercer than ever.  And compensation isn't keeping up with the demands.

The average American worker is not only given less annual vacation time than counterparts around the world, he or she actually takes less of this time than the others.  Americans are working harder and longer than ever before.

A consistent theme I hear from the leaders and senior managers I coach is the insane amount of work they are engaging in on a daily basis - almost to the point of complete breakdown.  And they all feel somewhat trapped in this never-ending cycle.  It is definitely not a sustainable strategy.

Energy Is Renewable

One of the things I've learned is that life is all about energy management.  Truth is, time is a finite resource.  But energy is renewable.  We all have the opportunity to make choices that can actually increase our energy.  It all depends on how we manage this amazing resource.

I read a profound article in the Harvard Business Review written by Tony Schwartz and Catherine McCarthy, "Manage Your Energy, Not Your Time" (Oct. 2007).  In the article, they suggest that "energy comes from four main wellsprings in human beings: the body, emotions, mind, and spirit. In each, energy can be systematically expanded and regularly renewed by establishing specific rituals— behaviors that are intentionally practiced and precisely scheduled, with the goal of making them unconscious and automatic as quickly as possible."

I love this perspective because it provides hope that we all have it within our power to do something about our energy which is so often lagging and drooping from the incessant demands we face regularly:  we can learn to recognize the energy-depleting behaviors / activities we engage in; and we can learn what instead energizes us and so develop ways to more intentionally step into those.

It's all about energy management.

How Strengths Renew Energy

This is why I coach and consult people and organizations around strengths.  Strengths are in fact wired into us - they are our natural preferences - innate talents that come from the natural flow of electricity (energy) via certain neural pathways (each one leading to certain specific behaviors).  Because of the chemicals released in these pathways, the pathways become ingrained in us.  If they're our natural preference pathways, they're pleasant for us to stimulate so we tend to stimulate them more than others.  And the more we use them, the more we strengthen them.  It's a powerful feedback loop.

So when we pay attention to what our natural strengths are, and when we choose to use them more intentionally, we are putting ourselves in an energy flow that is not only more efficient and fulfilling but also more sustainable, renewable.  Using our innate resources (like strengths) actually increases energy because it's aligning with our unique individual biology - it's stewarding our brains effectively by leveraging those neural pathways with their accompanying electricity and chemicals.

When we are not using our natural preferences, according to neuroscientists our brains are actually expending 100x the energy than when we're leading with our natural preferences (our innate wiring and talents).  One hundred times!  So instead of making deposits, we're making massive withdrawals from our energy bank unnecessarily.  Our brains are wearing out.  And consequently, our whole feeling of energy lags and droops.  We're not being "fully alive."

It's all about energy management.

Take the StrengthsFinder Assessment

If you  haven't taken the strengthsfinder assessment yet to discover your top natural strength preferences, you need to!  There are two ways to take the test:  buy the book StrengthsFinder 2.0 from Amazon for $14.00, or go directly online to the Gallup site, pay $9.99, and take the test.  What a small price to pay to radically increase your ability to renew your energy!

My work as a coach and consultant is to unpack these results for people and organizations.  I give them opportunity to think through and strategize how they can be more intentional about using their strengths in every aspect of their lives - work, relationships, spirituality.  When people take this work seriously and really engage via their strengths, the results are always amazing - people have more energy, more fulfillment, more effective productivity, less stress, more of a feeling of flow, more of being, as Schwartz and McCarthy describe, "effortlessly absorbed."  Who wouldn't want all that??

It's all about energy management.

It's time for people to stop trying to simply work harder and start working smarter.  Leverage your natural preferences, your strengths.  Let your brain work effectively and efficiently the way it was designed to.  Learn what makes you unique from everyone else.  And then embrace it, step into it, stand in your truth, and let yourself be the powerful person you are.  Develop a truly sustainable life.

You want more energy?  Try managing and stewarding the energy you have.  I guarantee:  you'll find your energy is in deed a renewable resource.

______________________________

If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for keynote speakers or workshop teachers for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it.  And interested in strengths coaching?  Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com.

It's Time to Leverage the Culture Shift: Necessary Leadership Styles for the 21st Century

Research on Effective Leadership Styles Important research these days is revealing some significant trends in how people are thinking about leadership, the style they want to see in their leaders, and what style is proving to be the most effective in solving today's complex global problems.

Gone are the days where the macho approach is looked up to as the savior of our problems.  That current track record speaks for itself.

Qualities to Move Away From.  "Everywhere, people are frustrated by a world long dominated by codes of male thinking and behavior: Codes of control, aggression and black- and-white thinking that have contributed to many of the problems we face today, from wars and income inequality to reckless risk-taking and scandal."*

Qualities to Embody More of.  Instead, says a growing body of academic and industry research, "senior executives around the world and across industries put qualities such as collaboration, creativity, flexibility, empathy, patience, humility and balance right at the top of the list of crucial leadership characteristics for the future."**

Soft Vs. Hard.  There are those in our culture who still choose to see these qualities as "soft" versus "hard" - they can't embrace them as truly significant to the bottom line of productivity and financial sustainability and growth - they see these qualities as luxuries at best, and perhaps curriculum to be relegated to Human Resources department if at all.

This leads to a tragic sidelining of what is increasingly showing to be more effective in the long run in addressing the fundamental needs of our organizations and markets with their complex, global, and interconnected challenges.  This short-sighted and biased view continues to do damage on multiple layers of our human systems and organizations.  Productivity and engagement are at all-time lows in our country.

In contrast, natural biologists are providing us with powerful examples of how the more relational and collaborative qualities are in fact hard-wired in the natural world to powerful effect.  My last blog post described birch trees and rhododendrons in a symbiotic relationship.

Here's another:  take the barheaded geese, for example.

Learning From Barheaded Geese

It’s estimated that at least 50,000 of them winter in India.  And when summer nears, they undertake the two month 5000 mile migration back to their home in Central Asia.  What makes this trip remarkable is that the route they choose to take every year is the world’s steepest migratory flight—they fly over the highest mountain in the world, Mount Everest in the Himalayas.

Amazingly, this route is where the air is thinnest and oxygen level lowest.  What’s more, the thinner air means that less lift is generated when the birds flap their wings, thereby increasing the energy costs of flying by around 30 per cent.  And yet they still fly the same route over the highest place on earth.  Imagine it!

Scientists now find that these geese do not make use of tailwinds or updrafts that could give them a boost up the mountain.  One of the remarkable resources they choose instead to rely upon is teamwork---collaboration.

Drafting.  Geese are famous for utilizing in flight the V-formation which helps reduce individual energy consumption by up to 30%.  Professional cyclists use the same principle that empowers them to sustain high energy and power for endurance races like the Tour de France (over 2000 miles in 21 days).  Drafting.

The whole flock of geese gets over 70% better mileage than if each bird flew solo.  When the lead bird gets weary, it drops back and a new one takes the lead.  As the birds vigorously flap their wings, it creates lift for the bird behind.  These geese actually choose to fly over Mt. Everest at one time rather than breaking up the trip, typically a grueling eight hour marathon.

And in addition, if one of the geese gets too tired or gets injured or sick, two of the other geese shepherd the weaker one back down to the ground and stay with it until it either gets stronger or dies.  Then they rejoin the group or find another group to fly with to complete their migration.

Clearly, there is no physical way these birds could soar over Mt. Everest without this kind of drafting, teamwork, and collaboration.  Forget it!

And yet so many of us individuals, including many organizations that insist on a few at the top within hierarchical structures possessing all the power, continue to assault our Everests ineffectively.

The Qualities That Make A Difference

What social science and organizational effectiveness research is telling us these days is that similarly there is no way we can scale the Mt. Everest-sized global challenges we face without prioritizing and valuing these same qualities:  teamwork, collaboration, empathy, nurturing, loyalty.

The days of the solo leader (or small group of men who conduct the business war games and deals in the backroom), projecting an omnicompetent ability, standing at the top of the hierarchy of power, position, and status, omniscient in wisdom, who has only to speak and command the vision, strategy, and way forward, are gone (or should be gone).

"In the new economy ‘winning’ is becoming a group construct: Masculine traits like aggression and independent trail the feminine values of collaboration and sharing credit. And being loyal (which is feminine) is more valued than being proud (which is masculine), which points to being devoted to the cause rather than one’s self. And that we want our leaders to be more intuitive—(also feminine)—speaks to the lack of many leaders to have the capacity to relate to ordinary people and their points of view."*

We have to intentionalize systems and structures that help us rely on each other, where everyone is empowered to contribute their best strengths, where organizational and team health is seen to be as important as ROI and the financial bottomline, where we mentor others and stand beside them to support their growing development, where we manifest patience and empathy instead of "get it or leave here" attitude, where we employ technicolor instead of black-or-white thinking to our problems.

If we want to soar over our Mt. Everests, we will choose to be more like the barheaded geese.

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* The Athena Doctrine:  How Women (and the Men Who Think Like Them) Will Rule the Future, Michael D'Antonio & John Gerzema.

** Gayle Peterson, associate fellow of Saïd Business School, University of Oxford, and co-director of its Women Transforming Leadership program, "We Don't Need A Hero, We Just Need More Women At the Top" (The Guardian, Nov. 13, 2013)

______________________________

If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for keynote speakers or workshop teachers for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it.  Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com.

Strengths-based Collaboration Is A Prerequisite For Healthy Ecosystems

Our lives are made up of multiple social systems:  families, marriages, work, businesses, corporations, churches, friendship circles, clubs.  Like the natural world, these are all ecosystems where everything is inter-related and therefore everything is impacted by the other. There was a fascinating and insightful Linkedin article this week that used examples from nature to describe effective ways we humans can live within our social ecosystems (see "4 Bio-Inspired Tips to Create Better Teams" by Tim Brown, CEO of IDEO).  Several of his biology illustrations particularly stood out for me as I work with people and groups in guiding them to a more strengths-based way of living and being.  Here's one of them.

Collaboration

Biologists are finding that

"successful organisms tend to collaborate more than compete."

Birch Trees and Rhododendrons.  For example, birch trees and rhododendrons grow close by each other in the woods, not by accident but for specific purpose. "The birch provides shade to the rhododendron, keeping it from drying out. The rhododendron, in turn, provides the birch with defensive molecules that protect it from being eaten by insects. This symbiotic relationship allows both to survive longer."

A Win-Lose World.  It's amazing how competitive our human social systems so often are.  We've developed this win-lose paradigm:  if I win, someone else has to lose; if someone else wins, that means I automatically lose.

So in this win-lose ecosystem, we end up having to protect ourselves all the time.  Our walls are up.  Our distrust is high.  We're ready to fight to win.  Because at stake is our own survival--there's only one winner.

Our conversations devolve into arguments where we all try to win.  If we don't, we feel less than; we've been bested; we're losers.  So we have to win at all costs.

If a friend gets promoted, we feel like we've lost something.  If our significant other gets recognition, we feel like we've lost, we're diminished.  If someone else's child gets into the best school and our's doesn't, we've lost, they've won.  We're less than, they're more.

A Win-Win World.  But imagine if we could live within our social ecosystems like the birch trees and the rhododendrons--in collaboration where there's a win-win belief and goal and worldview; where we come to each other bringing our best strengths to the system; where we each are contributing our best to each other; where we each embrace and trust the best from each other; where we stay with it long enough to work at developing a win-win outcome, refusing to take the win-lose easy way out.

A Strengths-based Approach.  Imagine collaborative marriage relationships where each situation, need, and goal is approached via both spouse's top strengths.  When a problem is being addressed, you ask your spouse for a "10 minute consult" where he/she uses his/her specific strengths (one or several that you might not have) in order to help bring effective resolution.  Rather than competing, you collaborate; where you approach the relationship and experience mutually instead of hierarchically.  Imagine that.

Imagine developing your specific roles based upon your strengths profile, whether in a marriage, family, work team, congregation; where everyone is asked, encouraged, validated, and affirmed to show up with their best; where people spend more time and energy focusing on strengths instead of weaknesses and deficiencies; where whatever gaps might exist in the relationship, they are overcome with each person leveraging his/her strengths together to effectively overwhelm the gap.

The genius of a strengths-based approach to life is that it's based upon the truth that no one of us is omnicompetent.  We as individuals simply cannot do everything.  We need others if we desire to truly be effective.  We need everyone in our social systems to contribute their best strengths so that all together we can be as strong as possible.  That's what creates a win-win.

Collaboration is a prerequisite for healthy ecosystems!

So are you living with a win-win or win-lose belief system?  Which lens do you tend to look at your life situations through?  Who do you need to collaborate more with from a place of mutual strengths in order to live more effectively?

_______________________

If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for keynote speakers or workshop teachers for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it.  Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com.

Why and How We Need to Address Our Historical Gender Imbalance

Chinese Taoism has a very powerful paradigm that explains the dynamics of effective living.  In my opinion, this paradigm is becoming increasingly significant in order to chart an effective way forward in the 21st century. Yin-Yang Paradigm

It's called the Yin and the Yang.  Yin-Yang is used to describe how seemingly opposite or contrary forces are in fact interconnected and interdependent and how they give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another. Yin and yang can be thought of as complementary (instead of opposing) forces interacting to form a dynamic system in which the whole is greater than the parts. Everything has both yin and yang aspects, (for instance shadow cannot exist without light).  That's why you notice, in the symbol for Yin-Yang, that each part has the other (small dot) within it.

Describing Yin and Yang

"Yang is the white side with the black dot on it, and yin is the black side with the white dot on it. The relationship between yin and yang is often described in terms of sunlight playing over a mountain and a valley. Yin (literally the 'shady place' or 'north slope') is the dark area occluded by the mountain's bulk, while yang (literally the 'sunny place' or 'south slope') is the brightly lit portion. As the sun moves across the sky, yin and yang gradually trade places with each other, revealing what was obscured and obscuring what was revealed."  (Wikipedia)

Yin is characterized as slow, soft, yielding, diffuse, cool and refreshing, wet, and reflective; and is associated with water, earth, the moon, femininity and nighttime.

Yang, by contrast, is fast, hard, solid, focused, hot, dry, and aggressive; and is associated with fire, sky, the sun, masculinity and daytime.

Yin-Yang Implications for the 21st Century

So how does this fit in with my last blog post about the Athena Doctrine?

One, The authors, in their extensive global research*, have found that more and more people in our 21st century are being drawn to a different-than-usual way of living and working and being in the world.  They're realizing for our world to achieve its potential for wholeness and transformation, both Yin and Yang need to be expressed, validated, and incorporated.

Two, for much of history, there has been a Yang path forward--predominantly masculine, where aggression, power, win-lose, dominance have ruled the day.  The Yin, more feminine part of life, has been devalued and considered "too soft" to be effective at the forefront of and in the halls of influence in a world filled with conflict, enemies, survival and growth.

Three, and yet, as the authors of The Athena Doctrine are pointing out from their extensive research, the majority of people (66%) representing countries around the world are saying that for the world to achieve its full potential, the Yin side--more feminine qualities--needs to be brought to the forefront.

Four, the powerful piece to this is that people aren't saying it's an "either/or" proposition--throw out all the men and bring in all the women.  Rather, it's a "both/and" necessity.

A World of Complementarity Instead of Opposition

Here's the way the authors describe it:

"People seek a more expressive style of leader who shares feelings more openly and honestly as well as patience and reason to break gridlock.  We also want long term thinkers who can dig in and plan for the future.  The more masculine qualities like decisiveness and resilience are important, but so is being flexible in order to build consensus and get things done.  Also, in the new economy winning is becoming a group construct:  masculine traits like aggression and independent trail the feminine values of collaboration and sharing credit.  And being loyal (which is feminine) is more valued than being proud (which is masculine), which point to being devoted to the cause rather than one's self.  And that we want our leaders to be more intuitive--(also feminine)--speaks to the lack of many leaders to have the capacity to relate to ordinary people and their points of view."

The central facet of Yin-Yang is the emphasis on the interconnectedness of life, one cannot exist without the other, both are complementary to each other rather than opposing forces, interacting to form a dynamic system in which the whole is greater than the parts.  For this to occur, both sides have to be equally valued in the shifting seasons and shadows of life.

The Necessity of Addressing a Historical Imbalance

There has been a sad imbalance of this equation for much of history.  And the tragic results of this are evident everywhere:  violence, gridlock, greed for power-status-wealth, economic injustice, aggression, win-lose, lack of compassion, us again them mentality, being right is more important than being in relationship.

This has to change if we are going to experience a world where everyone has an equal place at the table with equal opportunities, and where we steward our natural resources in sustainable ways, all built upon a foundation of mutual honor, respect, worth, and empathy.

It's time to place inordinate value upon the feminine characteristics and ways of thinking and being as central to our path forward.  It's time to place more women and men who think like them at positions of influence in charting our path forward.  It's time to shape a global rather than tribal world based upon the value of interconnectedness and dynamic complementarity in navigating our path forward.  It's time to honor both Yin and Yang together and empower both to work interdependently in building an effective path forward.

The future and quality of our world depend upon it.

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*The Athena Doctrine:  How Women (and the Men Who Think Like Them) Will Rule the World, John Gerzema & MichaeL D’Antonio

Why We Need A Better Way of Thinking, Being, and Relating

Athena Doctrine Research There's a tsunami of change building.

Best-selling and award-winning authors John Gerzema and Michael D’Antonio surveyed 64,000 women and men in thirteen countries across a wide swath of cultural, political and economic diversity. They gathered data from Canada to Chile and Mexico to Indonesia.  Everywhere they went they asked a lot of questions about life today, about what makes us happy and gives our lives meaning.*

What they discovered was quite sobering.  People are talking as if they live in an age of "extended anxiety".  Among many of the statements surveyed, both men and women weighed in on these:

"There is too much power in the hands of large institutions and corporations."  86% agree "My country cares about its citizens more than it used to."  76% disagree "The world is becoming more fair."  74% disagree "Life will be better for my children than it is for me."  51% disagree

And then two clinchers:

"I’m dissatisfied with the conduct of men in my country."  57% agree

"The world would be a better place if men thought more like women."  66% agree

When the authors began to unpack these responses with the interviewees, what they discovered was not the fomenting of a global gender apocalypse -- where people were dogging and downing one gender more than another -- but rather where people were hungering for expression, a "way of being," a way of living life where certain core values were central to it, where certain fundamental characteristics were front and center to the way we do business and life.

As it turns out, these core values and ways of thinking happen to be characteristically feminine attributes.  Here's the way the authors describe it:

A Growing Shift in Roles and Values

"There’s a growing shift in the roles of masculine and feminine values in the twenty-first century. We live in a world that’s increasingly social, interdependent and transparent. People around the world are showing that traditionally feminine leadership and values are now more popular than the macho paradigm of the past ... Everywhere, people are frustrated by a world long dominated by codes of male thinking and behavior: Codes of control, aggression and black- and-white thinking that have contributed to many of the problems we face today, from wars and income inequality to reckless risk-taking and scandal.  The most innovative among us are breaking away from traditional structures to be more flexible, collaborative and nurturing. And both men and women from Medellin to Nairobi are adopting this style, which emphasizes cooperation, long-term thinking, and flexibility. Informally, and in countless ways, they are following the Athena Doctrine, named after the Greek Goddess, the warrior whose strength came from wisdom and fairness."

Why the Shift Is Happening - What's Broken and Needs to  Be Fixed?

When you consider the major institutions of the world, both current and past, what values have tended to dominate?  How have those institutions primarily engaged the world?  Power has been in the hands of a few rather than the many.  Hierarchical systems prevailed.  Influence was perpetuated by decree perpetuated by status and office.  Conflicts were fought by warriors where the strongest always won and the weak were dominated.  The world was based upon a win-lose paradigm.  Status, wealth, economic advantage, opportunity, education, religious influence, leadership -- all of these were centralized and controlled by a few, all in the name of God, of course -- and the few most often were men.

The "game" of institutional conquest had rules that were stacked in favor of the few or those who had the stomach to enter in and fight their way to the top at whatever cost.  Today's politics is a classic example.

Because women have been devalued in history, many of the characteristics and attributes and ways of thinking and being that women can bring to the world have been correspondingly devalued.  Businesses call them "soft skills" as opposed to hard skills.

So if you highly value things like empathy, collaboration, fairness, flexibility, win-win paradigms, compassion, unselfishness, and transformation, who wants to get into the dominant game with its warrior-like rules and mentalities?  Who wants to feel like you have to "prostitute" yourself in order to play the current game?  Who wants to sacrifice your fundamental core values for the bottom line of money, power, and status as the only end game?  Surely there must be more to life than that?

No wonder women aren't flocking to get into politics, for example.

No wonder so many people feel disenfranchised within religious communities.  Many religions refuse to allow women to fill top leadership positions, including being ordained to ministry, stating, "It's just not God's way" as if men have a corner on how God's will is suppose to be lived out.

As a result, the institutions of the world continue to play the game the way it's always been played, with a few at the top determining the rules and the outcomes and the style.

A Tsunami of Change - Different Values and Ways of Thinking and Being

But what the authors of the The Athena Doctrine are showing in their extensive research is that the game is changing.**  There's a tsunami of hunger and corresponding transformation that is sweeping around the globe.  It's a wave of change that insists on including experiences like delight, beauty, flow, vulnerability, authenticity, social responsibility, intuition, imagination, innovation, cooperation.

Both women and men are standing up and saying, "Enough is enough!  There's another way of doing business and life that centers around a whole different set of values that can be as effective or even more effective as those of the past.  After all, many of the primary institutions of the world are irreparably broken.  The old ways of doing things is over.  Things have to change.  We want to live different values in everything we do!  We want to help make the world a better, more humane, and more equitable place where there's room at the table for everyone, for the sake of each other and our future generations!"

So as Gandhi once said, It's time to "be the change you wish to see in the world."

So how does all this relate to strengths-based living?  Stay tuned.  More to come.  We need a fuller picture.

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* The Athena Doctrine:  How Women (and the Men Who Think Like Them) Will Rule the World, John Gerzema & MichaeL D’Antonio

** If you would like to see slides of the main parts of their research, go to this link.

A Secret Ingredient of Successful People

My friend Jaime awhile back sent me this story. “A little boy was having difficulty lifting a heavy stone. His father came along just then. Noting the boy's failure, he asked, 'Are you using all your strength?' 'Yes, I am,' the little boy said impatiently. 'No, you are not,' the father answered. 'I am right here just waiting, and you haven't asked me to help you.'"

The more I reflect on my own life and listen to so many people talk about theirs, I'm struck by the truth that it is easy for us to get so caught up in our individual challenges--we're so lost in the weeds of our own lives, or so focused on lifting the heavy stones--we don't notice and take advantage of people around us who would be willing to support us if we just asked.

Ten Minute Consult

In my strengths coaching at Amazon Lab 126, one of the ways I encouraged teams to utilize strengths that the team didn't possess was what I call "Ten Minute Consult."  Call up someone in the department who isn't on your team but who has the strength you need and make the simple ask:  "Hey, would you be willing to give us 10 minutes of consulting time?  We're faced with a problem we really could use your strength to advise us with."

It's a simply strategy that doesn't require a lot of time.  But it continues to build on one of the most important paradigms for effective living:  collaboration.

Collaboration & Interdependence

I think it's a genius reality that none of us is omnicompetent, none of us possesses all the strengths as our top strength.  It forces us to recognize our interdependence upon others.

Successful people rely upon others and their strengths to lift their heavy stones.  They choose to live by the truism,

We are stronger together than by ourselves.

One of the outcomes of this willingness to collaborate is validation and affirmation.  It feels good to be asked to contribute from your place of strength.  It feels validating to have one of your strengths affirmed and needed.

Don't Choose For Someone - Ask

It's sad that so many of us hesitate asking others for help because we don't want to inconvenience them or make them feel pressured in some way.  We essentially make the choice for them by simply not asking.

And yet, truth is, we've consequently robbed them of affirmation and validation and the reward of using their strengths in a positive, productive way.  Why not let them decide?  Why not trust them to know what they're wanting to do in any given moment and give them the opportunity to say Yes or No?  Why not give them opportunity to contribute their strengths to yours?

When a therapist was asked for one piece of advice he could give based upon all the wisdom he had gleaned from counseling thousands of people through the years, he made the profound observation:

"Know what you want, and learn to ask for it."

Reflection Questions

So what heavy stones are you trying to lift these days?

What strengths do you need that you don't have to help you accomplish this?

Who is around you that you could ask to assist you?

Have you been saying No for them without even asking?  What's stopping you?

It's time to schedule your next Ask.  Why not do what successful people do and get some help with your heavy stone.

Four Secrets to Paying Attention Well and Why That's Important

Research from the Associated Press shows*: The average attention span in 2012: 8 seconds The average attention span in 2000: 12 seconds The average attention span of a goldfish: 9 seconds Clearly, we've got an attention span problem in our culture.

And considering that the majority of us spend 70 to 80 percent of our waking hours communicating, what kind of communication is actually happening every day with such short attention spans?

Think about this for a minute.  The ability to communicate and be present with each other is one of the most important things we learn as humans.  Dr. Jack Bennett, a life coach who explores happiness, behavior change, and personal development, emphasizes, “Giving someone our full, undivided attention is fundamental to our business and interpersonal relationships."*

The outcomes are hugely significant.  Effective communication creates a bond of closeness, reduces conflict, enhances personal and professional relationships, and in many cases, helps you get more of what you want out of life.

But, when faced with the chance to listen to what someone has to say, to tune in and "be present," most of us are falling short. We're busy thinking about ourselves, what we're going to say next in conversations, or our errands, our work or in so many cases, we're busy focused on electronics.  We're simply not paying attention.

Graham D. Bodie, professor of communication studies at The Louisiana State University, in extensive research about outcomes to paying attention, reveals that people who are good listeners are more liked, rated as more attractive and garner more trust than those who are less proficient at listening.  They are also high academic achievers, have better socio-emotional development, and are even more likely to get promoted at work.  Fairly significant outcomes, I'd say!*

So with all this research reinforcing the importance of paying quality attention to each other, why do we do so little of it?  Why have we allowed our attention span to decrease through the years rather than increase?  Why is our emotional intelligence more stunted than ever before in spite of being confronted with more information about what it takes to live mature, effective, and healthy lives?  Why is our communication ability so poor?  Do we simply not know how?  Or are we so self absorbed and lazy that we refuse to engage in the work?

Four Secrets to Paying Attention Well

I am of the firm opinion that you and I can learn how to pay more effective attention in our communications with others.  We can learn how to listen better.

Here are four things to work on that improve our attention capabilities.

Observe - Eye contact - Mindfulness - Empathize.

Choose to observe - notice the other person.  What is their body language saying?  Can you mirror it?  What are you seeing about him or her right now?  What does that tell you about what they're feeling?  What do you observe about your own body language?  What feelings or thoughts is that communicating?  Communication involves two people interacting together.  You can't improve what you don't observe.

Choose to make eye contact.  This establishes a connection, a bond, and indicates you're interested.  On average, according to experts, the appropriate amount of eye contact is 50% while speaking and 70% while listening.  If, as the saying goes, the eyes are the windows to the soul, you pretty much have to notice the eyes in order to connect meaningfully to people.

Choose to be mindful.  Effective listening is about not just having your mouth quiet but also your mind quiet.  It's keeping yourself from the tendency to be thinking about what you're going to say next or other more pressing issues in order to be "fully present" to the other person.  The more you practice mindfulness outside of interpersonal communication, the more you can perform it inside.

Choose to empathize.  Here's the way one author puts it:  "Empathizing with someone is really having the ability to understand the 'humanity of a situation' and knowing what it means to be in the other person’s shoes."

We all want to be understood and validated.  That's what helps us be more fully alive and ourselves.  Empathy from others gives us that gift.  You can give it, too.

"When we truly feel listened to, in the emotional sense of the word, we feel more satisfied with our relationships.  What’s more, people who have a high EQ—emotional intelligence—are capable of making better decisions simply because they have the capacity to see a situation from someone else’s perspective."  (Dr. Graham Bodie) *

There's A Price For Not Paying Attention

The Bay area news reported recently on a young university student who was riding the MUNI when a complete stranger suddenly shot him as he began to exit from the train.  The MUNI cameras recorded the whole situation.

What made the event even more tragic was that the perpetrator had his gun out in the open for a long time while standing there on the train, even using it to scratch his nose at one point.  But no one noticed it.  In fact, no one even noticed the entire exchange.  As the cameras so blatantly recorded, everyone in that car had their heads down, eyes glued to their phones and tablets.  They simply weren't paying any attention to anything other than themselves.

We're living in a culture that is becoming increasingly self absorbed.  Our human connections are paying a price.  Communication is being stunted and more and more ineffective.  People just aren't listening and paying attention to each other in meaningful, healthy ways.

But we can choose to be different.  We can choose to pay attention.  We can choose healthy and effective communication with each other.  We can practice and learn.

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* This reference and several of the research reference points are thanks to Ashley Neglia, "The #1 Skill of Extremely Likable (and Successful) People" (Grandparents.com, 9/26/2013)

A Nonnegotiable For Great Relationships: What It Takes to Work Really Well Together

I'm currently reading a book titled 12:  The Elements of Great Managing.  It's based on Gallup's ten million workplace interviews - the largest worldwide study of employee engagement.  It has some really profound perspectives on what it takes for people to feel deeply and effectively a meaningfully contributing part of organizations and teams.  I'm realizing as I read that these principles apply to every social system like families, marriages, significant relationships, faith communities. The very first element that produces radically increased engagement among people is "knowing what's expected."  Reality-based, clearly stated, shared expectations.

Now this may not seem like rocket-science to you (and it's not), but you would be surprised how often our relational challenges stem from unclear, unshared, and unreal expectations of each other.

Reality-based Expectations

I had two 2-hour sessions with a couple of faith community leaders who work together as a staff.  Their relationship for the last few years has deteriorated to the point of both people considering leaving and finding separate ministry opportunities.  Trust is at an all time low.

It turned out that both leaders had a certain expectation about each other's leadership style that wasn't getting met.  And over time, these unmet expectations created serious tension, frustration, and what appeared to them as lack of respect for each other, and ultimately the disintegrating ability to trust the other.

Once I helped them see that each of their leadership styles were different from the other's because leadership style is based upon each person's top five strengths profile not some predetermined template for how leadership is suppose to look, this was able to shift their expectations of each other to a more realistic place.  That new shared view of each other could be validated, honored, and respected - because both styles are good ... just different.  It was heart-warming to hear both of them starting to complement and affirm each other for what they now saw as each other's unique strengths and style.

Expectations of the people in our lives has to be based upon reality - a clear understanding of who each other is and how we're each wired to be our best.

Clearly Stated Expectations

And we can't know what's expected of us unless the other is willing to clearly state their expectations.

As I work with couples and teams, I realize how often so many of us expect others to be "mind readers."  We simply expect people to know what we're thinking and what we're needing without us having to tell them.

Now, most of us wouldn't admit that's what we're doing.  But our behavior would sure indicate it.

Analyze a few of your last relationship arguments.  Chances are you'll discover that at the heart of the misunderstanding or hurt feelings was your expectation (or desire) for the other person to simply know what you want.  Some how, we give more points if they guess correctly - their attempts to relate have more value if they come unprompted.  Right?

I want my wife to be so intuitive, to read my every micro-expression, to know me so well, so as to just "know" what I'm needing or wanting or expecting.  And if she can't guess, then at least she should "pull it out of me" by means of her great relational skills of wise questions and sensitive, caring prompts.

But as you and I both know (in our saner moments), this is ridiculous!  Unfair!  And unrealistic!

Most of us simply aren't clairvoyant.  We don't have a crystal ball with our partner's name on it.  We're not mind readers with extra-sensory perception.  Neither are the other people in our lives.

If we want others to know what we expect, what we need, what we want, we need to know ourselves and then be willing to state it.  Clearly.  So as to be completely understood.  Otherwise, the onus is on us.  Clearly stated expectations.

Shared Expectations

Only then can expectations be shared - that wonderful place where both sides not only clearly see and understand the other, but also where they agree to co-inhabit the expectation.

This third level is a bit more tricky and difficult.  It takes more compromise and commitment to each other; more trust; more desire; more willingness to find and achieve consensus; more persistence; more patience; more grace.  More work.

But when something is mutually shared, it's worth a lot.  Right?  There's deep strength to it.  Solid commitment.  A sense of committed partnership and collaboration.  Mutual honor and respect.  A lessening of resentment, anger, and frustration.

This kind of shared experience (which includes clear and shared expectations) is what leads experts to call basketball "a chemistry sport."  As a team practices and plays together, the players develop a "tacit knowledge" about each other--they have clear understanding about each other's roles, strengths, weaknesses, styles, quirks, typical patterns--and this knowledge ultimately enables the team to experience synchronicity.  To the onlooker, it appears almost magical the way players can anticipate and execute and adjust to each other in a unified and effective manner.

Our relationships - our social systems - are chemistry sports, too.  Which means we each take responsibility to develop clear, realistic, and shared expectations and understandings of each other if we want to live and work effectively together.

So how's your chemistry and synchronicity with the people in your life?

Three Ways Healthy Spirituality Is Inherently Relational

The Tiger and the Fox An old Sufi story* tells about a man walking through the forest who saw a fox that had lost its legs and the man wondered how it lived.  Then he saw a tiger come up with game in its mouth.  The tiger ate its fill and left the rest of the meat for the fox.

The next day God fed the fox by means of the same tiger.  The man began to wonder at God's greatness and said to himself, "I too shall rest in a corner with full trust in the Lord and he will provide me with all that I need."

He did this for many days but nothing happened.  He was almost at death's door from starvation when he heard a voice say, "O you who are in the path of error, open your eyes to the truth!  Stop imitating the disabled fox and follow the example of the tiger."

Three Nonnegotiables for Healthy Spiritual Living

This ancient story reveals several secrets to effective spiritual living and why we need people to become truly self actualized.

One, spirituality is deeply relational.

The fabric of our being is communal and relational.  We thrive the most when we learn how to live effectively within the context of our relationships.

There's no such thing as a Lone Ranger spirituality.

There's this myth about spirituality in contrast to religion that says that spirituality is personal and private, while religion is communal.  Not true!

Effective, transformational spirituality is not about living up on the mountaintop in direct communication with the Universe, like the stereotypical picture of the monk or guru who sits up on the peak alone receiving and dispensing the wisdom of life to intrepid and interested mountain climbers or spiritual seekers.

Effective spirituality is like the tiger in our story---taking what feeds us and sharing it with hungry people.  And the truth is, everyone in our circles of relationships are hungry in various ways.

Spirituality is essentially relational because our growth as people is directly impacted by our ability to relate to people.  It's in our relationships where the rubs of life so often take place.  So unless we learn how to navigate those "rubs" - our journey toward becoming more actualized humans on this planet of people by living life well among people - we isolate our spirituality and it eventually withers into ineffectiveness.

Two, relational spirituality reframes faith and trust.

The man in our story was rebuked by God for trying to imitate the passiveness of the fox rather than the active sharing of the tiger.

Many people have the view of spirituality as mostly sitting and waiting on God.  "It's just you and me, God," they say.  "God will provide.  I just need to have enough faith in order to experience God's intervention."  It's the "monk in the cave" or "guru on the mountaintop" approach.

The problem with this kind of spiritual paradigm is that it leads to isolationism.  If God only acted directly, why would you need others?  If you could become completely self-actualized in a vacuum, why would you need others?  God could simply put each of us in a sealed off vacuum chamber until we finalized achieved perfection, and then let us free.

Trust in God or the Universe is not just sitting in a corner trying to convince yourself that you will be provided for if you simply have enough faith.

I've discovered in my life that most often the way God has provided for me is through other people who have shared their love, generosity, and support with me.  God has used "the tigers" in my life to bless me time and time again.

My willingness to open myself up to other people, to be willing to receive from them, is an act of radical trust in God and the humanity that God chooses to work through.  My willingness to stop trying to be "superman," mister omnicompetent superhero in life who can go it alone very well, thank you, and instead realize my need for other people to help me grow into the man I'm meant to be, is an act of radical trust in God and the people God chooses to use in my life.

Three, spirituality demands a relational environment because at the heart of spirituality is forgiveness and love.

All spiritual traditions describe the fundamental nature of God with the word love.  God is love.

Here's the way the Christian scriptures state this reality:

"Since God loved us that much [Jesus giving his life to forgive us], we surely ought to love each other.  No one has ever seen God.  But if we love each other, God lives in us, and God's love has been brought to full expression through us...God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them."  1 John 4:11-12

In the one of the most concise descriptions of the divine nature, we are reminded that God is love.  And notice that central to the attribute of divine love is forgiveness.  And the natural progression of that spiritual experience is that we are then people who love and therefore who forgive others.

Our spiritual development, the process of becoming more and more self actualized as human beings, is to learn how to love more deeply and more completely.  We learn to love ourselves.  And we learn to love others.  Spiritual growth is about growing in the process of loving well.

But you and I cannot truly love either ourselves or others without learning how to forgive.  The point is, it is only within the context of relationships---where we experience the bumps and bruises of life---that we learn how to love and forgive.  That's where healthy spirituality is developed.

Loving and Forgiving Without Judgment

One of the obstacles we often face with loving and forgiving is our tendency to judge people.  Notice in our story, the tiger gives food to the disabled fox without condemning or judging the fox.  The tiger refuses to interrogate the fox about how it lost its legs.  Was it being irresponsible?  Who's fault was it?  Did the fox make bad or unwise choices that led to this tragic loss?

No, the tiger saw the need and without judgment gave of its own abundance.

Divine love and forgiveness are always without conditions.  They are simply given, no strings attached.  That's why those actions and predispositions with God are called grace.

The truth is, you and I as human beings simply cannot grow spiritually to our most actualized selves outside the context of our relationships.  Why?  Because it is in our relationships where we are forced to rub up against others and they with us in a way that prompts and teaches us what it means to really love and forgive in every context of our lives.

So which do you find yourself modeling or identifying more with in your spiritual life?  The man who tried to be like the fox, or the tiger?

* Adapted from Anthony de Mello, The Song of the Bird, p. 79.

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I'm offering a cycle of 3 spiritual retreats, starting in October, anchored in the seasons of Fall, Winter, and Spring.  These retreats are designed to provide you the time, space, and resources to shape your spirituality in deeper and more meaningful ways that honor who you are and where you are along your journey of life.  This will be a transformational experience for you to reflect and explore a more relational, and more self actualized spiritual journey.  Click this link for more information:  Spiritual Retreats.

Strength-based Living is a Stewardship Issue

Benjamin Franklin once said:

"Wasted strengths are like sundials in the shade."

Have you ever tried reading time from a sundial in the shade?  Hard to do it, isn't it.  For a sundial to work, it needs to be--go figure--in the sun.

I walked into one of the parks in Golden Gate Park and got all excited when I saw an old sundial.  I couldn't wait to figure out the time with this ancient instrument.

And then, when I got closer, I noticed that tree branches had grown out and over the sundial essentially putting it in perpetual shade.  The sundial was worthless other than as an ancient artifact.

Truth is, wasted strengths are like sundials in the shade.

For you to be able to shine with the brightness you were made for, for you to be able to point accurately to your true timing so that you give maximum benefit to others, you must be in "your sun"---you must know and use your strengths.  No one else can do it for you.  You are the steward of your strengths.  Don't waste them.  They're some of the best, most effective resources you have.

Here's how it can look when you choose to wisely steward your strengths.  Let's see what lessons we can learn from one highly successful person.

Warren Buffett's Strengths Stewardship

Marcus Buckingham, in his book Now, Discover Your Strengths, talks about Warren Buffett.  He's one of the richest people in the world who comes from such humble beginnings in Omaha, Nebraska.  What a life he's lived.

Speaking to a roomful of students at the University of Nebraska, he said, "I may have more money than you do, but money doesn't make the difference."

To the students, many of whom could barely pay their phone bills each month, his observation seemed a bit glib.

But he continued:  "If there is any difference between you and me, it may simply be that I get up every day and have a chance to do what I love to do, every day.  If you want to learn anything from me, this is the best advice I can give you."

Though on the surface this appears to be the typical throwaway line from someone who's already banked their first billion, it's actually quite profound.

Turns out, Buffett is very sincere when he says this.  He loves what he does and genuinely believes that his reputation as the world's greatest investor is due in large part to his ability to carve out a role that plays to his strengths.

And his strengths as an investor actually are quite nontraditional and unexpected for high-powered successful investors these days.

Here's how it worked for him.  First, he is a very patient man, as opposed to the stereotypical impatient, high-speed, uber-active investor.  So he has turned his natural patience into his now famous "twenty-year perspective" that leads him to invest only in those companies whose trajectory he can forecast with some level of confidence for the next twenty years.

Second, his mind is more practical than conceptual.  So his practical mind made him suspicious of investing "theories" and broad market trends.    He once wrote in his Berkshire Hathaway annual report, "The only role of stock forecasters is to make fortune-tellers look good."  So he made the commitment to only invest in those companies whose products and services he could intuitively understand (e.g. Dairy Queen, Coca Cola, The Washington Post), the latest MBA theories and predictions be damned.

And third, he is inclined to be trusting of people's motives, not skeptical.  So he has put his trusting nature to good use by carefully vetting the senior managers of the companies in which he invested and then stepping back and away, letting them engage in their day-to-day operations without his interference.

Turns out, he's a world class investor because he deliberately and persistently plays to his strengths (his innate wiring and talents that he has honed with increased knowledge and skill through the years).

Buckingham makes this observation:  "The way he handles risk, the way he connects with other people, the way he makes his decisions, the way he derives satisfaction---not one of these is random.  They all form part of a unique pattern that is so stable his family and closest friends are able to recall its early tracings in the schoolyard in Omaha, Nebraska, half a century ago."  (p. 21)

Four Ways to Steward Your Strengths

So what lessons can we learn from Warren Buffett about how to effectively steward our best resources and strengths, about how we can be sundials in the sun not the shade?  What did he figure out that can serve as a practical guide for all of us?

"One, look inside yourself; Two, try to identify your strongest threads; Three, reinforce them with practice and learning; and Four, either find or carve out a role that draws on these strengths every day.  When you do these regularly, intentionally, and persistently, you will be more productive, more fulfilled, and more successful."  (p. 21)

These are exactly the four steps that comprise the outline of what I work on with all my coaching clients---and I do this work for myself, regularly and persistently.  In essence, I am helping myself and my clients to become wise and effective stewards of our best personal and professional resources---our God-given strengths.

I want for myself and for everyone else to be sundials that tell accurate time---and that are useful to others---because they're in the sun not the shade.  This is authenticity.

Four Ways to Pay Attention to the Relational Part of Spirituality

Rabbi Hanokh loved to tell this story: "For a whole year I felt a longing to go to my master Rabbi Bunam and talk with him.  But every time I entered the house, I felt I wasn't man enough.  Once though, when I was walking across a field and weeping, I knew that I must run to the rabbi without delay.  He asked, 'Why are you weeping?'

"I answered:  'I am after all alive in this world, a being created with all the senses and all the limbs, but I do not know what it is I was created for and what I am good for in this world.'

"'Little fool,' he replied, 'that's the same question I have carried around with me all my life.  You will come and eat the evening meal with me today.'"

What a beautiful depiction of the deeply relational aspect of the spiritual journey.  Here are several observations.

One, spirituality (the process of discovering your unique place in the world) is nurtured in community. 

The master rabbi knew this---the other rabbi's existential angst was an echo of his own search.  So he invited him into his home to share that hunger.

Spirituality in community blossoms from a oneness with others that blooms from "shared vision and shared goal, shared memory and shared hope."

As one author puts it,

"While spirituality can be discovered in solitude, it can be fulfilled only in community."

Two, spirituality is experienced and developed in mutuality.  A recognition and embrace of mutual hungers.

The master rabbi recognized his colleague's personal angst in himself, and responded to it from his own desire to pay attention to that search.  So he invited him into his home to share that mutual hunger.

Personal growth by nature must take place in an environment of mutuality---where we can relate to others who in turn can also relate to us; where we share with each other; where we are vulnerable with each other; where we encourage and support each other.  And in this context, we can grow together and allow each other to help expand our own hearts, minds, and spirits.

Three, spirituality is grown by listening to people's stories.

The master rabbi listened to his colleague's story of personal angst.  And then, after he invited him into his home for a meal (that symbol of intimate mutuality and relationship), they both could listen to each other express their mutual hunger and longing.

Noticing others who are echoing your own desires and longings, listening to them tell their own stories, and then choosing to connect with them more deeply, is a necessary part of spiritual growth.  Others' individual life experiences are powerful tools of hope and growth and wisdom for our own journeys.

Four, spirituality is shaped in healthy ways by being a nonanxious presence in each other's lives.

Though the master rabbi's name calling ("little fool") might seem perjorative toward his colleague, it wasn't a judgment against him.  It was simply an observation about his worldview and lack of understanding---"Don't you realize that we all have this hunger for finding our unique place in the world?  Why would you think I wouldn't understand this?  I, too, am searching for ultimate meaning and purpose in the world, just like you.  We're in this together!"

We're in this together!  Powerful words to hear from each other.  "I hold no judgment over you.  I too am in this same boat.  So let's row together.  Let's search for our unique places in the world together.  We'll hold the space for each other as each of us questions, doubts, wonders, explores, discovers, identifies, and walks (and even stumbles along) the road one step at a time.  Together."

Blinking or Winking Spirituality

Anthropologist Clifford Geertz, who studies manifestations of spirituality, uses the helpful distinction between a wink and a blink.  The wink and the blink have in common certain physiological characteristics---they look alike.  But a blink is unintended, automatic, its purpose self-contained:  to lubricate the eye.

A wink, on the other hand, has a different kind of purpose:  it conveys an intention---it is necessarily directed at another.  Why?  because the wink can succeed only as a wink if it is perceived by the other person as a wink and not a blink.  Right?

Dr. Geertz summarizes:

"Our most human behavior is fundamentally intentional, and intentionality becomes actualized only as effective co-intentionality:  which means simply that it takes two to make a wink; we cannot be humanly in isolation from others."

Healthy spirituality can be developed with "blinking."  It is a recognition of that sometimes automatic response we have to life--a sense of awe, gratitude, appreciation.  It's a "lubricating" of the eye of our hearts and minds and souls.

But a deeper kind of spirituality is developed and grown with "winking."  It's intentional, mutual, done in community, and signifies a sense of being in relationship with others in a pleasing, nonanxious way, being able to both see and embrace the wisdom of others.

We can't ignore the "blinking" spirituality.  But we need to especially pay attention to the "winking" aspect.

Matina Horner reminds us,

"To 'feel less alone' is without doubt an ultimate quest of all of life, yet perhaps never before has loneliness been so widespread as it is today."

We need more winking.  Don't you think?

Five Ways Relationships Become God's Holy Temple

There's an old rabbinical story that tells about two brothers living "time before time, when the world was young."  They each shared a field and a mill.  Each night they divided evenly the grain they had ground together during the day. Now as it happened, one of the brothers lived alone; the other had a wife and a large family.  One day, the single brother thought to himself:  "It isn't really fair that we divide the grain evenly.  I have only myself to care for, but my brother has children to feed."

So each night he secretly took some of his grain to his brother's granary to see that he was never without.

But the married brother said to himself one day, "It isn't really fair that we divide the grain evenly, because I have children to provide for me in my old age, but my brother has no one.  What will he do when he is old?"

So every night he secretly took some of his grain to his brother's granary.

As a result, both of them always found their supply of grain mysteriously replenished each morning.

Then one night the brothers met each other halfway between their two houses, suddenly realized what had been happening, and embraced each other in love.

The story is that God witnessed their meeting and proclaimed, "This is a holy place---a place of love---and here it is that my temple shall be built."

"And so it was.  The holy place, where God is made known, is the place where human beings discover each other in love." *

Here are four ways from this story that our relationships can be turned into holy temples where God chooses to dwell.

First, God's holy place on earth is the intersection between people where love is the center.

Our relationships of love are where God's temple is.  Those relationships are sacred ground.  When people respond to each other from a spirit of love and compassion, a temple of God is raised up.  God is revealed best and most completely within relationships of love.

Second, relationships become centered on love when each person looks at the other in a spirit of compassion and chooses to give what the other needs the most.

The spirit of compassion is antithetical to a competitive, win-lose worldview.  Sacred relationships are based upon a win-win paradigm.  We give what the other needs, not what we need to give.  We love in the language of the other so that our act of love is truly experienced as love by the other.

Third, a relationship of love doesn't necessarily mean both people agree with each other on everything.

Our ability to love each other pragmatically in the midst of our differences creates God's temple.  Contrary to popular opinion, love God's way doesn't mean having to unilaterally agree.  God's way of loving is giving to others no matter what, even when we disagree.

Fourth, people are empowered to love compassionately and generously when they see the other as their brother or sister.

Family members certainly don't all agree with each other---whether politically, theologically, philosophically, sociologically.  Families inherently contain great diversity.  But because they're all family, blood runs thicker than water.  Until we start seeing all others as members of our great global family---children of God, every one---we will continue struggling to give love and compassion graciously and generously to those we disagree with and are  different than.

Fifth, when people are in a relationship of love, they're content to give to the other anonymously, without credit or recognition.

The joy is in the giving because, as A Course In Miracles emphasizes, when a person gives, they always receive.  The New Testament references this reality when it says we reap what we sow.  In this universe, you can never give away something you don't also receive.  So you don't need credit or recognition in order to receive something; you've already received what you've given away.  When you give, you are never in a place of deficit.

When you and I deliberately and intentionally design our relationships to be centered on love, compassion, generosity, and grace---because we recognize and acknowledge our brotherhood and sisterhood with all others---we enter into the holy temple of God, we are on sacred ground.

"And so it was.  The holy place, where God is made known, is the place where human beings discover each other in love."

So how many sacred temples do you have in your life these days?

* Belden C. Lane, "Rabbinical Stories:  A Primer on Theological Method," Christian Century 98:41 (December 16, 1981), pp. 1307-8.

Healthy Friendship, Undistorted Mirrors, and Spiritual Growth

During a time of great crisis in my life, my therapist said to me,

"Remember Greg, other people's reactions to you say more about their story than about yours."

I've never forgotten that advice.  I've certainly seen it to be true over and over again.  And it's helped me stay focused and centered and grounded on my truth ... most of the time.

You need to remember this, too, whenever people choose to respond to you in judgmental or critical ways because you've done something or said something they disagree with or oppose.  One of the lessons we learn in life is that people tend to see us through the lens of their own self concept.  They actually are judging themselves vicariously through us.

We are often loved and admired for who people choose to think we are or need us to be rather than who we really are.  And conversely, we are often rejected or snubbed not for who we really are but for who they see us to be and whether we've lived up or not to their projected image of us.

Either way, we are being responded to from their own personal needs not our own.  It's a false self and image.  They're not holding up an undistorted mirror for us to see ourselves as we really are.  They're holding up a picture they've painted of us.  And it's destructive to us if we base our self worth on an illusion.

I love the way Richard Rohr, in his book Falling Upward, puts it:

"Beauty or ugliness really is first of all in the eye of the beholder.  Good people will mirror goodness in us, which is why we love them so much.  Not-so-mature people will mirror their own unlived and confused life onto us, which is why they confuse and confound us so much, and why they are so hard to love."  (p. 153)

For this reason, as Rohr emphasizes, it is a necessity for us to find at least one undistorted mirror that reveals our inner, deepest, and yes, divine image:  a loving, honest friend to help ground us by how they see us in our truth and accept us for our truth.

A Spiritual Dimension of Friendship

This is truly one of the deep spiritual dimensions of friendship and human relationship.  Healthy friendship holds a mirror in front of us so we can see ourselves undistorted, the way we truly are, who we really are.  And that friend who holds the mirror for us says to us, "Whatever you see in this mirror, I love.  I accept you the way you truly are---the real you, not some false image of you that either I or others might project, or even you might project on yourself.  I love and accept You."

I have a friend just like that.  He and I have been on our friendship journey for 15 years or so.  We have talked on the phone or in person whenever we can be together almost every week of those 15 years.  He has held the mirror in front of me through the highs and lows of my life, reminding me of who I really am, no matter how others have responded to me.  That mirror has revealed some ugly things that I tend to shrink away from, as well as some beautiful things I'm drawn to.  But through it all, he has loved, accepted, and affirmed me for who I really am beyond all the externals I and others tend to fixate on.  And that has helped empower my own growth into the person I truly am and want to be.

Rohr makes the observation that

"it is only whose who respond to the real you, good or bad, that help you in the long run" (p. 153).  This is the only kind of love that ever redeems.

That's why my friend Paul has been so empowering and transforming to me through all these years.  Together, we have learned and practiced how to see each other through the lens of our deepest core truth.  And this authentic sight has been instrumental in growing us both spiritually, relationally, and individually.

This is the way God has modeled friendship with us.

"Like any true mirror, the gaze of God receives us exactly as we are, without judgment or distortion, subtraction or addition.  Such perfect receiving is what transforms us.  Being totally received as we truly are is what we wait and long for all our lives.  All we can do is receive and return the loving gaze of God every day, and afterwards we will be internally free and deeply happy at the same time.  The One who knows all has no trouble including, accepting, and forgiving all.  Soon we who are gazed upon so perfectly can pass on the same accepting gaze to all others who need it.  There is no longer any question 'Does he or she deserve it?'"  (Ibid., pp. 159-60)

My friend Paul continues to give God's gift of perfect receiving to me time and again.  I hope I can do the same for him.  After all, it's our deepest human longing and desire---to be loved, accepted, and perfectly received no matter what.  Isn't it?

Are you that kind of friend to someone else?  Do you have this kind of undistorted mirror in your own life?  Is your view of God/the Universe one of perfect receiving of you, who you really are, with no judgment, only acceptance---that you belong here in this world in all of your authentic being---that you truly matter?