Does Your Self Confidence Ever Take A Beating? Here Are Three Ways to Increase Your Confidence

How would you rate yourself on the self confidence scale--what number between 1-10 (1 being no confidence, 10 being complete confidence)? If you're like me, you find yourself moving back and forth on that scale depending on what's happening in your life.  If I'm dealing with an area of insecurity, I find myself experiencing low confidence.  If I'm dealing with a situation that triggers a past wound, my confidence level decreases.  What about you?

Self confidence is an interesting beast.  We all want it, need it, search for it, wonder if we've found it.  Often it feels like the elusive Abominable Snowman--we hear about some sightings but when we pursue it, we never seem to find it.

As experts tell us, confidence, contrary to popular opinion, is not an attribute that only some people are born with or naturally possess.  In fact, research shows that being shy and cautious is the natural human state.  Our early ancestors stayed alive because of it--they had to be cautious to survive.  So they passed it on in the gene pool.

So all of us have to learn the feeling and state of self confidence.  And the good news is, we can learn to boost it and keep it boosted when we need it most.

Here are  several ways to boost self confidence that I've learned in my own life and in the experiences of the many clients I work with.

1.  Put Your Thoughts Into Perspective

I read a statistic recently that amazed me.  The average person has 65,000 thoughts every day.  And guess what?  Eighty-five to ninety percent of them are negative--things we're worrying about or being fearful of.

Experts state that these worries and fears are warnings to ourselves, left-overs from our cave-dwelling past.  Every time our ancestors stepped out of the cave, they were confronted by immediate threats to their very survival.  So their brains (the amygdala part, to be exact--the fight or flight response) activated all the time.  We have that in our DNA.

What's different now is that, though we don't face bears or tigers when we leave the house, we do face what we perceive as threats to our self confidence, our self esteem, our personhood--the boss criticizes our latest project; the spouse in anger brings up a painful past that hasn't been let go of; we stand up to make a speech and worry how people will respond (will they like us or respect us or laugh or demean us).

The point is to be aware that our brains work this way.  And to be able to put those negative thoughts into perspective.  We are not our thoughts.  They're just thoughts that don't always represent objective reality.

We're wired to anticipate and interpret the worst (like our ancestors had to do).  So we simply have to put our negative thoughts, worries, and immediate fears into perspective.

We have to call on the higher part of our brains (the prefrontal cortex) via contextualizing and evaluation of the threat.  Is this thought-fear-worry really true?  Am I simply being triggered by a painful experience in my past?  Just because people are responding to me like I feared doesn't mean this is a reflection on who I am or a direct threat to my personhood. I can learn to reframe my negative thoughts and experiences.

2.  Remember You Are Not Your Thoughts

I am not my thoughts.  I am not other people's thoughts.  Thoughts do not define who I am.

As Eckhart Tolle suggests, the very fact that you and I can observe our thoughts shows that we are not our thoughts.  We have a higher self beyond all of that that remains unsullied by all of those 65,000 thoughts flowing through our minds every day.  And what's more, not all of those thoughts reflect reality.

The next time you find a negative thought popping up in your brain, remember:  this thought doesn't define you.  It's just a thought.  Whether the thought is true or not isn't the issue.  The truth is, you are not this thought.  So simply acknowledge it.  Observe the thought.  And then let it pass along like the rest of the thoughts.

Our immediate tendency, when we have a negative thought, is to place a value judgment on it.  We label the thought and then file it in a folder of similar thoughts.  And our tendency is to allow that folder to define us.  "I am the sum total of those negative thoughts."

Wrong!  I am not defined by those thoughts.  I have a higher self that can observe, evaluate, and attach meaning to all my thoughts.  My higher self is my true identity.  Confidence always emerges from this true identity.

3.  Know Your Strengths and Activate Them Regularly

I worked with a very competent health professional who came to me with a very low self confidence level.  She wanted to learn how to be a more confident person in her relationships and even in her work.

Turns out she had parents who never acknowledged her personal strengths.  They observed what they labeled as personality flaws and continually warned her that she would never be successful.  She grew up feeling a tremendous lack of self and of confidence.

So as an adult, whenever something happened in her life that was negative, her past wounds were triggered, and she heard her parents' voice in her head telling her she wasn't enough, she wasn't good.

Her self confidence consequently took a beating--a lot.

I had her take the StrengthsFinder assessment.  We spent weeks together unpacking her top five strengths, emphasizing the power of how her brain was wired (her natural preferences), helping her become more conscious of how she was strong, how she was using her strengths, how she could activate them more and more regularly.

Her self confidence began to grow little by little:  she was seeing herself, instead of through a prism of weakness and lack, through the lens of her strength and power  The more aware she became of how she was wired, the more she saw the beauty, and the more she learned to trust herself and affirm her strengths.

Confidence increases with a conscious awareness of how you are wired for strength and competence and your willingness to activate those strengths instead of fixating on lack and weakness.

Self confidence doesn't have to be the elusive beast in the woods.  If you would like additional help boosting your confidence, email me.

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Looking for a Speaker or Coach?

If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for a keynote speaker or workshop teacher for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it.  And interested in strengths coaching?  Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com or look at the Speaking or Coaching pages of this site.

The Top Two Qualities That Set Apart Successful People From the Rest

How would you rate your performance on a day to day basis?  I'm talking about how you're performing in the various areas of your life--your work, your significant relationships, your spirituality, other areas. Are you satisfied with your progress?  Discontented?  Proud?  Ashamed?  Indifferent?  Maybe you don't even think about it?  Or when you do, you feel guilty for not doing more?

I've noticed that for so many of us how we're doing isn't a huge reflection theme.  People tend to allow themselves to be on "autopilot"--they just do what they need to do and, most of the time, when they need to do it.  No real thought.  Just do it.

Others of us do reflect or evaluate ourselves.  But our focus tends to be negative evaluation--we never quite measure up to our expectations or what we think others expect of us.  So we often feel guilty or less than--especially when we compare ourselves to others.

But we can't allow the meaning we attach to self-evaluation to keep us from the practice of self-evaluation.

Why?  Because without self-reflection, we can never improve or gain momentum or achieve our deepest desires.  We'll never accurately identify what it is that needs improvement.

Instead of letting our focus fixate on how we feel about how we're doing, we need to be willing to honestly look at our progress and then make strategic choices to learn and move forward more effectively.

I read a significant piece of research about what qualities set apart the most successful people from the rest (based upon surveying 50,286 360-degree evaluations conducted over the last five years on 4,158 individual contributors).  I'm finding this to be true with the clients I work with, too.  The research identifies 9 skills.  I'm going to list the top two qualities ranked in that order--the top two skills that make the most difference.

#1--Set stretch goals and adopt high standards for yourself.

I'm finding that this is a theme many people just don't entertain.  Stretch goals.

The challenge is that this skill assumes that you are already establishing goals for yourself in the first place (which is, by the way, vital to maximizing your entire experience of life).

What is it specifically that you really want to do in your life?  How do you want to utilize and apply the strengths you have in your life?  What specific things do you want to accomplish so that when you do reach those goals you actually know it, you can measure it, you can see it?  If you don't know what you're wanting, then you can never know when you've gotten it.  Right?

But this number one distinguishing behavior goes even beyond that.  It's taking wants, desires, goals to the next level--stretching those standards for yourself; pushing yourself to go beyond where you've gone before.

For example.  In my last month, I've set some big stretch goals for myself.  I first made a list of people I know in corporations, businesses, organizations, and churches.  I identified specific contacts I have within those groups.  My goal:  send them my strengths coaching one sheet that describes the work I do with leaders, teams, and groups in maximizing people and multiplying performance.

This is a good goal.  But in itself, it isn't a stretch goal.  So I actually took the next bolder step by stating:  I'm going to make 3 contacts every day (15-20 every week).  I've never been that intentional before in this area, giving myself numeric contact goals.

I can tell you, doing these stretch goals have created more energy and more forward momentum for me in this part of my work.  I can measure my progress on the spreadsheet I developed to chart this process.  I can evaluate what's working and what's not working and then make necessary changes to my process.  And it also holds me accountable.

QUESTIONS:  When is the last time you feel like you really stretched yourself, pushed yourself to a bigger or higher level/standard?  Do you know what that would look like in any area of your life?  Have you stated some expectations for yourself that go beyond what's normal for you or beyond where you've gone before or even beyond what others think you can do?  What would that look like specifically?

#2--Work collaboratively.

Successful people have learned the strategic significance of working with other people in order to accomplish their big goals.

Successful people don't operate under the delusion that they have to make everything great in their lives happen by themselves.

Successful people don't buy into the omni-competent superman myth.  They have developed a humble, honest, confident perspective about themselves that recognizes they don't have all the strengths needed to be successful.

So they bring others into their daily orbit who can contribute in the areas of their personal gaps, complementing their strengths with strengths they don't themselves possess.

For example.  To achieve my own stretch goals I shared above, I realized that I couldn't do this on my own.  I needed to collaborate with others.  This is an area of growth for me.

So I chose not to begin with cold calls (although there's nothing wrong with cold calling and I will perhaps end up doing that, too).  I began with people I already know and who know me, people who respect what I can contribute and who are willing to step forward and make connections for me.

For example.  My wife Shasta is one of the most productive and effective people I know.  She uses her strengths in remarkable and maximizing ways to accomplish so much good in the world.  She sets stretch goals all the time.

Consequently, she is also very strategic and smart in how she goes about meeting her stretch goals.  She collaborates and networks with a wide range of people.  She has developed a large team of people in her life who believe in her and what she's trying to do and are willing to use their strengths to help her.  She asks for their help.  This collaborative mentality empowers her to accomplish way more than she could on her own.

I find this skill to be hugely significant for all my clients if they are going to be effective in moving their lives forward toward what they're truly wanting for themselves.

If you want to stretch, you have to collaborate.

QUESTIONS:  So ask yourself, who are people you know who could contribute their skills and strengths to helping you accomplish some of your big goals?  Would you be willing to ask them to collaborate with you?  Would you honor their strengths by asking for their specific contribution in your life?  Are there identifiable steps with your goals that you could actually delegate to someone else?

At the end of one of my coaching sessions recently, my client remarked, "Man, this process is so valuable for me.  I haven't done this much reflection, evaluation, and strategizing for my life ever.  I love the momentum I'm feeling and seeing.  I actually think I'm going to make my vision for my life happen!"

That's the power of practicing strategic reflection and evaluation about what matters most in life.  You start moving there.  And in the end, isn't that what we all truly want for ourselves--to know where there is and to get there well?

If you'd like to have a short phone call to talk with me about how this could work in your life, email me.  I'm happy to arrange that call with you.

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Looking for a Speaker or Coach?

If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for a keynote speaker or workshop teacher for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it.  And interested in strengths coaching?  Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com or look at the Speaking or Coaching pages of this site.

Are You Ready For Change? 3 Steps You Simply Have to Take

Is there anything in your life you would like to change?  Perhaps a habit?  Or a goal that you want to accomplish that you believe will make your life better in some tangible ways?  Or to change a behavior or mindset that no longer is serving you well? I have yet to meet a person who is 100% satisfied with everything in their life.  We all have dreams, desires, hopes for something better, to improve some area of our lives, to move forward toward a more preferred future.

All of my coaching clients hire me because, though they are already successful people, they have areas they want to work on and move forward and improve--whether it's developing greater clarity about a job transition, or developing more effective leadership skills, or identifying some personal dreams that they want to pursue to bring more fulfillment and meaning to their already busy lives, or to design a more purposeful and effective spiritual path that brings them greater peace and a sense of groundedness and life balance, or to improve their most important relationships.

In all these cases, one of the issues I emphasize is momentum.  Life change develops most effectively when momentum is increased.  In other words, once you begin the process of change (whatever the change is) building forward movement toward where you're wanting to go is crucial to both initiating change and establishing effective and long term change.  Momentum.

In fact, one of my clients--an executive in a fast-growing firm in the finance industry--hired me (after interviewing multiple coaches) precisely because I used the word "momentum" in describing what my work with clients is designed to build.  That's exactly what he was wanting for his life.

So let me suggest 3 specific steps you should take to build momentum for the things you want to change or accomplish in your life that truly matter to you.

Step 1:  Identify What You Really Want

Setting very specific intentions (goals) is the first crucial step.  Make it clear.  And make sure it is an authentic expression of your deep desires.  Focus first on the feeling you're wanting to experience that this change or goal will produce.

Why start with your feelings?  Because feelings are more powerful intentions than simple behaviors.  Feeling actually drive actions.  You choose certain behaviors because--if you were to truly analyze it--you want to feel a certain way.  Right?  So start with the feeling you want.

Then choose behaviors that will get you to that feeling.  Specific actions.

Don't get fixated on one specific action.  Truth is, multiple actions can produce the same feeling you're desiring.  Hold tactics (actions) with an open hand.  If one isn't working for you, change to another one.  Emphasize the feeling.

Step 2:  Break Your Steps Down Into Small, Doable Increments

Sometimes we're tempted to think too big.  And then we get overwhelmed because the goal looms large over our heads.  And then we're tempted to give up.

Successful people know how to break their steps into small increments that are doable on a regular basis.

One of my clients recently, in describing his goal and the process he was using to get there, put it in a very profound way:

"What can I do today to shift the needle by tomorrow?"

I like his emphasis.  The word "shift" isn't talking about some huge, quantum leap forward.  It's a small, even slight movement.

Keep it small and simple.  All you're looking for is a shift in the needle day by day.

Step 3:  Take Steps Regularly & Religiously

This is the strategy to building effective momentum.  Consistency.

Jim Collins, in one of the most widely read business and productivity books in the last 13 years,  Good To Great, calls this process the fly wheel principle.  When at first you try to push a huge flywheel, you meet lots of resistance.  It's difficult.  Laborious.  But you keep pushing and turning the flywheel.  With great effort you keep pushing.  And with every push and spin, the flywheel begins to pick up momentum.  If you stay with this process, ultimately its momentum becomes a self sustaining power that moves it forward, on and on.

"Good to great comes about by a cumulative process--step by step, action by action, decision by decision, turn by turn of the flywheel--that adds up to sustained and spectacular results."  (p. 165)

The amazing thing is that often onlookers, who see what you've accomplished, think you've gotten there in one big step.  They're impressed and in awe.  They congratulate you.  They want to know the secret of your success so they ask, "What was the one big push that caused you to get here so fast?"

But those of us doing this kind of work know that that is a nonsensical question.  Was it the first push?  The second?  The fifth?  The hundredth?  No!

"It was all of them added together in an overall accumulation of effort applied in consistent direction.  Some pushes may have been bigger than others, but any single heave--no matter how large--reflects a small fraction of the entire cumulative effective upon the flywheel."  (p. 165)

Summary.  Three nonnegotiable steps to creating the kind of momentum that gets you where you want to go:  1) clearly identify what you really want and how you want to feel, 2) break your steps down into small, doable increments, 3) and take those steps regularly and religiously (keep turning the flywheel and don't stop).

One of the great rewards of my work is creating the space for people where they can engage in this process, giving them accountability and encouragement every step of the way, and then seeing them create the kind of life they truly want.

I see it every time:  after pushing on that flywheel in a consistent direction over an extended period of time, they inevitably hit a point of breakthrough.  Change happens.  Transformation.  And they begin experiencing the joy of living the life they truly want, the one that matters most to them.

Action:  If you would like to have a short phone conversation with me about how this could work for you with something that you're feeling the need to address in your life, email me and I'll work out a time to visit.  It could set up the breakthrough you're really looking for.

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Looking for a Speaker or Coach?

If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for a keynote speaker or workshop teacher for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it.  And interested in strengths coaching?  Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com or look at the Speaking or Coaching pages of this site.

Part 2 - If You Don't Lean In to Effective Energy Management, You Won't Make It: The Second Way to Move From Slavery to Freedom

Last week's blog post described the hamster wheel kind of life that so many people find themselves caught up in.  It's the vicious cycle that can't seem to stop.  So we live in exhaustion, discouragement, lack of energy and inspiration, and a sense of being victims to our schedules and environments.  A terrible and unhealthy way to live! The good news is that there are two ways to strategically move beyond this painful cycle.  Last week's blog described the first strategy:  get clear on your identity and what your identity is based upon.  Click here to read that post!

I'm illustrating both strategies with the ancient story of the Jews' experience of slavery in Egypt under a cruel Pharaoh and his slave masters.  Here is the second significant strategy.

Strategy # 2:  Get Clear About the Difference Between Energy vs. Time

The Jews were giving most of their time to the Pharaoh via the slave masters.  They were forced to produce bricks, at the risk of death should they stop.  They were in a losing battle if time were the only resource available to them.

But every seventh day, they did something counter-intuitive.  They stopped.  They rested.  It was called Sabbath.  So what?

The way Sabbath was structured for them was that this was a very intentional time to remember their true identity.  they were not primarily slaves to a human taskmaster.  They were children of Yahweh, the God who had called them and claimed them--who had chosen them, not because of how "cool" they were, not because of how good they performed or how much they produced, but simply because God chose them to belong to the God of the universe.

Their identity was based upon a stable truth:

"We are chosen, valuable human beings simply for being.  We are called for a special purpose.  We are not slaves.  We are free.  And we're moving in our history toward the ultimate liberation of living in perfect congruence with our given freedom.  Our task masters can take away our time.  But they cannot take away our mindset, our identity, our humanness.  We control that.  And we choose freedom, even while we're having to work painfully for cruel masters!"

Develop Reinforcing Rituals & Practices

So every seven days, on the Sabbath, they remembered, they realigned their mental picture, they stepped into that reality.  How? By engaging in practices and celebrations and rituals that reinforced the truth about themselves, that re-energized their sagging souls and aching bodies.

The power of this kind of regular ritual and practice is that the emphasis is not on time as much as it is on energy.

Time is a finite resource.  We only have 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

So if we based our experience on managing our time, no matter how important that is, we are in a losing battle.

But energy is renewable.  When we learn to manage it, steward it effectively, we can not only sustain our capacity we can increase our capacity.

Engaging in Energy Boosters

So my client and I began a conversation that he described as the most important thing he's done.  We identified rituals and practices he could engage in that would renew his energy.  He creatively conceived of "mini-sabbaths" into which he could step and feel a boost, remember his true self, pay attention to his soul, renew his energy.

Energy boosters.  Even if it was taking out his "dusty" harmonica and playing it for 10 minutes.  Even if it was catching up on his New Yorker magazine for 10 minutes, reading what he enjoyed.  Even if it meant going to the bar every week to enjoy Trivia night with his friends.  Energy boosters.

When we neglect positive energy boosters in our lives, when we disregard positive rituals and practices that remind ourselves of who we really are, we degenerate into nothing more than "slaves to a task master" of our never-ending work or the demanding expectations of others in our lives.  We give up control.  And then we slip into a victim mindset.  It's a losing battle, every single time!

Make Your List Now

So make a list right now.  What are activities you can schedule regularly (daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly) that give you positive energy when you do them?  If you can actually schedule them into your calendar, then you won't have to waste brain energy by always having to think through when you want to do them.

If you don't do that, I guarantee you your busy schedule will trump your rituals & energy boosters every time.  Put them into your calendar so that they simply come regularly without serious planning and forethought so all your energy can be used in actually engaging and being present when that time comes.

You'll find yourself moving steadily from a "slave" mentality to a liberation mentality.  You'll be in control again; you'll reclaim sovereignty over your time and energy and life.  That's a far better way to live!

Part 1 - If You Don't Lean In to Effective Energy Management, You Won't Make It: Two Ways to Move From Slavery to Freedom

Does it ever feel like your job is sucking the soul out of you?  Is your work environment fueling a sense of powerlessness where you feel you're being mastered rather than the other way around--you've become a slave to the master of your work--you're trapped in a never-ending cycle of demands from everyone around you, urgent needs and To Do's, so you're drained of all energy at the end of the day?  And this habitual pattern has repeated itself for years until you feel like there's no hope for anything better?  Do you feel like you're on the proverbial hamster wheel, running and running and running, expending all your energy but really getting nowhere? One of my clients was feeling this way in deep and profound ways when he came to me.  "What do I do?  Is there anything I can do to get out of this vicious cycle?" he asked plaintively.  "I've lost all of my passion and creativity!  Can I get it back?"

One of the first things I did was affirm his courage and gumption to come see me.  That in itself was a positive proactive step he was choosing in order to take back his life.

So many people get to that hamster wheel space and simply cave in to the feeling of being a victim:  "There's nothing I can do about it.  The never-ending demands are simply not things I have any control over.  I mean, if I want this job, I have to put up with this vicious cycle."

But here's the thing:  you are never a victim to your life!

True, you may work for an awful boss.  Your team members might all act like jerks.  You may never get affirmed and appreciated for your hard work.  Colleagues may steal your ideas and take the credit.  More and more work might keep getting dumped on you when you're already overwhelmed.

But you are never a victim to your life!

Here's what I mean by this.  There are always areas of your life where you can and must take back your power and control.  Let me prioritize the two most important ones:  your Identity and your Energy.  You simply cannot compromise on either of these without terrible consequences.

Identity

Our temptation is to equate our sense of identity with our work.

When someone asks us what we do, we typically say, "I'm a [and then state our job title or type of work]."

But notice that we're using an "I am" statement.  That's a statement of being which is woefully incorrect and unhealthy.

The truth is, our job is simply something we do in our lives.  It's not who we are.  Huge distinction.

Unless we get this fundamental identity issue right, we'll always feel we lack control over our lives since we spend so much time at work under the direction and often control of a supervisor or boss or manager.  Right?  Even if you're a CEO you're still under the direction of the Board--you answer to them, in the end.  Even if you're a self-employed entrepreneur, you're still answerable to your clients.

To take back control of your life, you must be clear on your identity and where it comes from.

Remember the Jews who moved to the land of Egypt in order to escape the terrible famine in their land.  They ended up being subjugated in slavery to Pharaoh for over 300 hundred years.  Their cruel task masters lorded control over their lives by forcing them to build bricks for the pyramids.

So what was their identity challenge?  Their temptation was to view themselves as no more than slaves to another master.  All they were valuable for was production and daily quotas.  They felt powerless because in many ways they were powerless.  They felt victims to their circumstances.  They were slaves.

When I told this story to my client, he immediately resonated.

"That's exactly how I feel--like a slave to another master.  I feel out of control.  My whole identity is consumed around my work and how much and how well I produce.  And so often I don't feel like I'm producing enough or I'm not producing enough quality and creativity.  I feel like a loser or imposter."

Can you relate to that?  I certainly can.  I find it easy at times to slip back into this mindset of, "I don't think I'm good enough.  I feel like a nobody.  I'm not successful enough.  I'm not producing value enough.  Therefore I am not enough."

So the Jews had to get clear about their true identity.  And in their environment, that was a gargantuan challenge!

What helped them get clear?  What did they do to take back control for their lives in the most fundamental area?

Here's the next significant issue.  It's engaging in strategies that empower us to align ourselves with our true identity.

Stay tuned for the next post.  Effective living is all about energy management, not time management.

Here Are Some Reflection Questions for You to Answer (try writing your reflections down on paper or computer):

How would you state your personal identity?  What words do you use to describe who you are at your very core, beyond what you do every day or the work or profession you have?  What gives you your value?  What are your true core values that drive your choices (the North Stars by which you navigate your paths forward)?  Finish this identity sentence:  "My value is in the truth that I am ..."

Be clear on your identity!

________________________________

Looking for a Speaker or Coach?

If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for a keynote speaker or workshop teacher for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it.  And interested in strengths coaching?  Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com or look at the Speaking or Coaching pages of this site.

Are You Experiencing Identity Drift and What Can You Do About It?

One of my clients came to me dealing with deep uncertainty about himself.  His lack of confidence was at an all-time low.  He was de-energized at work and that was bleeding into the rest of his life.  He was having a difficult time making proactive decisions.  He felt stuck, almost paralyzed in his creative work.  And the more stuck he felt, the more he withdrew and didn't give his best contributions. "How do I find my place of confidence and self esteem again?"  he asked me with deep sincerity.

He was experiencing what I call Identity Drift.

What Is Identity Drift?

Identity Drift is when

• you begin to lose your sense of self;
• you're not sure who you really are anymore;
• you're feeling uncertain about yourself, little by little unable to recognize what makes you You;
• you find yourself trying to take on qualities and attributes that are no longer yours but are someone else's (you're trying to be something other than what you really are);
• you've lost confidence in yourself;
• you're becoming more and more satisfied with status quo (not rocking the boat wherever you are for fear that you'll get judged, criticized, or devalued, which is more blows to your sense of self worth--so you prefer to simply go with the flow and not creates waves)--you begin to simply drift along with whatever current you're in;
• You've lost your center and place of most authentic power.

Have you ever felt some of those things?  If so, you're not alone.  Many of us are caught up in Identity Drift.

What Are Consequences of Identity Drift?

The consequences are painful:

• living in a state of high stress and anxiety
• losing your confidence
• lowering your sense of worth / value
• feeling lack of energy
• feeling depressed about yourself, your future, and everything else in your life
• comparing yourself to others and always coming up short
• wishing to disengage and withdraw either emotionally or physically
• experiencing the onset of physiological symptoms and health problems

So what can you do if you find yourself caught in Identity Drift?  How do you stop the drift?  Here are several suggestions.

5 Ways to Stop Identity Drift

Know your strengths

Because your strengths are based on your natural preferences (specific wiring in your brain), when you discover them, embrace them, and pay attention to them, you are placing yourself right in the middle of your true Self.  They are accurate descriptions of who you are and how you best live your life.  Leaning into your strengths places you in alignment with authenticity.

Identify how you're currently using your strengths in your every day life

The more aware you become of how you're using your strengths, the more competent and confident you become.  Paying attention and developing awareness are key.

Keep a diary in which you record evidences of strengths-based behaviors you engage in during the day

Increasing awareness and consciousness of your strengths increases exponentially when you keep a record of you behaviors and actions that manifest your strengths.  And every time you write a note describing an action, you're increasing your sense of self and your confidence in your abilities to live well.

Stop comparing yourself to others

Reducing Identity Drift comes about by focusing on yourself not on others.  When we're drifting, we tend to compare and think that we should be more like others (since we're not very clear on who we are).  But we need to stop confusing ourselves.  We need to pay more attention to how we're strong and how we use those strengths.

Intentionalize ways to step into your strengths more frequently

Start identifying specific actions you can take that are genuine expressions of all your strengths.  Write them down.  Look at them every day.  Set one behavior goal each day based upon one of your strengths.  Why?  When you're using your strengths in authentic ways you increase your sense of self, confidence, and personal energy.  You're aligning more deeply with the way your brain is wired.  You're rediscovering some very core pieces of what makes you uniquely You.

When you choose to become the expert of your strengths, you are making the decision to step more fully into who You are.  I have yet to see someone who makes this a priority not recover their personal confidence and core power again.  The drift lessens little by little until it finally stops.

So go ahead, leverage the real You by embracing what makes you unique and intentionally choosing to live that out, expressing it more fully!

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Upcoming Work About How to Build Your Strongest Marriage or Committed Relationship

There is such a thing as Marriage Identity Drift--when two people lose their sense of couple identity--they simply float along without any energy or confidence in their couple presence.  If you want to experience my strengths process in your marriage or committed relationship, check out the upcoming workshop I'm giving on this.  Go to Events for more information and registration details.  Registration deadline is this coming Monday, March 17.  Space is limited to 10 couples.

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Looking for a Speaker or Coach?

If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for a keynote speaker or workshop teacher for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it.  And interested in strengths coaching?  Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com or look at the Speaking or Coaching pages of this site.

The Most Effective Way to Fight Giants Is In YOUR Armor

Remember the ancient story about David and Goliath?  A young shepherd David going to battle against the enemy giant Goliath?  He ends up killing Goliath with only a few smooth stones torpedoed by his leather slingshot. The part of the story that is particularly powerful is what happens before that final scene.  The King, whose people are battling Goliath's army, calls David before his throne and offers his own personal body armor to wear to go up against the giant.

Now this is no small offer.  The King has been a hugely successful warrior and leader of his people, achieving epic victories through the years.  And he's always worn this special armor to protect himself and he's used the sacred sword to defeat his enemies.  Now he offers them to David.

So David tries on the armor and the sword.  But they don't fit him ... at all!  He staggers and stumbles around under the weight of someone else's armory.

And now David makes the most strategic decision possible.  The King and others see it as foolish.  But David knows it's smart and courageous.

"Thanks for your generous offer, O King, but I have to go into battle in my own armor, using what I've always relied on and what I'm best at!"

So David goes to face the giant, dressed in his shepherd's clothing, and holding in his hand the weapon that has brought him success in protecting his sheep against the wild animals in the wilderness--a leather slingshot and some smooth stones.

And the rest is history.

Here's the point.  When it comes to facing your life well, the most effective, strategic decision you can make is to stand in your own armor, not someone else's.

Why?  Because standing in your armor is when you're at your strongest, most powerful, and fulfilled place.  It's all about strategic energy management.

I'm talking about your brain function and its natural preferences.

Brain Function and Natural Preferences

Your brain is wired with neuronal synapses--connections between cells (neurons) that produce certain behaviors.  By the time you're sixteen years old, you've lost half of these networks (billions and billions)--thankfully--otherwise, you would as an adult be like a small child frozen in sensory overload.  So in this case, less is more.

By your teenage years, the synapses that have remained are the ones from which are created your talents, your natural preferences.

Your smartness and your effectiveness depend on how well you capitalize on your strongest connections.

As Marcus Buckingham puts it,

"Nature forces you to shut down billions of connections precisely so that you can be freed up to exploit the ones remaining."

So you begin to notice that when you engage in certain behaviors and reactions, they just "feel right" to you, while others, no matter how hard you practice, always seem stilted and forced.  This is good and as it should be.

Strategic energy management is all about utilizing and building on your natural preferences.  That's the most energy efficient.

Brain experts remind us that when we are operating outside of our natural brain preferences, our brains are expending 100 times the level of resistance; as contrasted  to when we are leading with our natural preferences which expends 1 times the level of resistance.  So which way is more energy efficient?

T1 vs. Dial-up Connections

It's like connecting our computers with a hyper-fast T1 line versus an old dial-up connection.  Which works better?  Which is more efficient?  Which has the greatest speed and productivity?

Living our lives from a place of personal natural preference is the T1 connection.  Living life trying to be something we're not is the ancient dial-up connection.

And the consequences of "dial-up" is devastating:  fatigue, hyper-vigilance, immune system suppression, reduced function of the frontal lobe (the thinking, processing, evaluating, and creativity brain center), memory problems, discouragement and depression, self-esteem problems, high levels of ongoing stress.  We are literally killing ourselves prematurely.

Dr. Phil puts it this way,

"Ignoring who you truly, authentically are can literally be killing you.  Forcing yourself to be someone you are not or stuffing down who you really are will tax you so much that it will shorten your life by years and years."

Why Strengths Work Is So Vital

This is why I value strengths work so much.  It's about identifying our natural preferences and then discovering specific ways we can utilize those strengths more intentionally.  It's about validating and affirming each other's strengths (which really is a way of validating the true person in front of you and setting them free, via their T1 line, to be at their best and strongest place).  It's about exploring together how each person's strengths can be brought together with the other person's strengths and strategically managed and leveraged in ways that help the couple to be at their strongest, most effective relational place--discovering the relationship's T1 line.

Imagine what happens when couples approach their relationship from this vantage point--the affirmation and honoring of each other's most authentic self, and then building a relationship on this strongest of strong foundations.  It's allowing each other to wear the right armor as opposed to forcing them to wear something else.  It's identifying the couple's unique armor and then together going into battle to face the giants of life.  That's the way giants are battled successfully.

Here's the way one couple I did this strengths work with described their experience:

"My husband and I have been married for 14 years and have worked through our share of challenges during that time.  Working with Greg helped us re-kindle the spark that we had lost track of during those challenges.  We now have a renewed vision of why we're together and how to honor and leverage each of our strengths in exciting ways.  Thank-you, Greg!"

I'm teaching a strengths workshop for couples about these very issues (March 23, 1-5 pm, San Francisco, CA).  Registration deadline is March 17.  And it's limited to 10 couples.  If you're interested, go to this link for more information:  Strengths-based Couples.

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Looking for a Speaker or Coach?

If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for a keynote speaker or workshop teacher for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it.  And interested in strengths coaching?  Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com or look at the Speaking or Coaching pages of this site.

Your Marriage Is Worth Being Strengths-based--Don't Settle For Less

I was finishing a coaching session with a couple and decided to ask the question, "So which of your strengths would you like your partner to ask you to contribute to your marriage more often?" What followed was 45 minutes of profound, deep, honest, heartfelt sharing between both of them.

She stated that from the beginning of their marriage, when she had tried to organize and activate him around one of their tasks, he had told her not to nag him.

"I realized at that moment that because I never wanted to be a nag in our relationship, I simply stopped contributing my strong achiever strengths.  But I realize right now that I am extremely strong in being able to activate things, get things done and organized.  I really want you to ask me to use those strengths on our behalf as a couple, for our sake together."

He looked at her, some tears in his eyes, and said, "I can see that now - this is your area of powerful strength.  You were being sensitive to my feelings.  But now I want you to know that I deeply honor your strengths and I want to ask you to use them freely on our behalf, to make us even stronger than we are."

In turn, he said to her, "I want you to ask me - to trust my deeply relational strengths - to use my abilities to pull people in, to go deeper with people, to include and help build deeper relationships, even in our relationship with each other.  I want to know that you truly honor and respect these strengths and their wisdom in me.  I want you to ask me to use them even more."

I sat there, realizing that I was witnessing a powerful sacred moment - two people truly "seeing" each other, truly being seen by each other - two people honoring and respecting the pure goodness and strength in each other.

I've seen again and again that this is what happens when couples take the time to

• identify their top strengths,
• to share with each other what those strengths are,
• to affirm and validate each other's strengths and how each person is using them,
• to engage in dialogue and discovery about how their individual strengths can work together in creating the strongest, most authentic, and effective relationship,
• to apply this discovery to developing a relationship mission statement, along with specific ways (goals) to moving forward as a couple in building on that mission,
• and to truly honor who they are as a couple and the unique, relational presence they can have in the world around them.

It's a powerful things to observe!

That's why I'm offering a four hour workshop to help lead couples through this kind of experience and process together (and it also includes a personalized 90 minute skype session with me after the workshop).  The potential of building an even stronger relationship is powerful, especially when you focus on your strengths.  It's about learning how to leverage your strengths in a way that transforms your relationship from mere survival to thriving.  Who among us wouldn't want that for the most important relationship in our lives?

Go to the Events page on my site for more information.

No matter how long you've been in your committed relationship, no matter your age, no matter your hang ups, healthy and strong relationships take intentionality, focus, honesty, and energy.  This workshop will offer you that space and some important tools to engage with each other.  And it will be fun, informative, and possibly even transformational.

Both of you are worth it!  And so is your relationship!  Feel free to share this opportunity with others you know.

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Looking for a Speaker or Coach?

If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for a keynote speaker or workshop teacher for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it.  And interested in strengths coaching?  Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com or look at the Speaking or Coaching pages of this site.

What Do You Want To Feel This Year? Let Your Feelings Power Your Intentions

Have you noticed that most of our new year's resolutions center around stated behaviors, action steps, goals?  It certainly makes some sense - after all, we're trying to engage in actions that are important to us. But often times, we don't ask the next set of questions.  What is it we're hoping those actions will help us feel?  What do we truly want to feel as we go through our lives this year?

Stop and think about it.  What you're really wanting when you set a goal is a certain way of feeling.  Right?

We choose to engage in certain actions and behaviors (we establish goals and intentions) because we really want to feel something specific and good.  Underneath every goal is a desired feeling.

For example, one of my goals is to increase my public speaking engagements this year.  Why?  Just to do more speaking?  I do get a lot of joy and fulfillment from public speaking!  But there's a deeper issue.  Because I want to feel significant.  I want to feel enthralled (which comes from using my strengths in a broader setting that puts me in my "zone," my wheelhouse of abilities).  I want to feel like I'm making an increasingly bigger difference in the world, in people's lives.

And as it turns out, it's our feelings that are actually the most powerful drivers behind our aspirations.

The Neuroscience Behind Feelings

Here's how:  the brain pathways for emotions make their way directly to the areas that generate attention (and vice versa).  In other words, the way we feel - and our choices to feel certain emotions - can powerfully direct our attention.  And where we direct our attention produces that outcome - our brains automatically begin developing a map ("motor maps/action plans") for how to make that happen.  Attention is what brings to life our intentions.

For example, people who are anxious are more prone to identifying anxiety-provoking or fearful things than people who are not.  What's the outcome?

"What I often tell people is that when they spend their lives in dread, they are writing an invitation to the feared outcome rather than preventing it."  (Life Unlocked:  7 Revolutionary Lessons to Overcome Fear, p. 55, by Dr. Srinivasan S. Pillay, assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and executive coach)

The point is, the reverse holds equally true.  When you choose to focus on positive feelings, you activate your attention which in turn activates your intention.  Feelings are the most powerful drivers behind our aspirations.

My Practice of Focusing on Feeling Words

So here's what I've been doing the last few years:

Step one:  I look at a list of feeling words and allow any of those words to jump out at me.  Which ones are speaking to me right now?  Which ones seem to be calling out to me - feelings that I'm wanting to feel more deeply than others this year?  I make a list of 3-5 feeling words.  If your list is longer, go through that list and keep narrowing it down until you reach 3-5.

Here's the list I use:  Feeling Words

Step two:  I write a one-two sentence definition of each word.  By specifying a definition, I'm bringing greater clarity to why this feeling word is really resonating with me.  And the more clarity I have, the more targeted and powerful my attention is and therefore the more possible my intention becomes.

Questions to ask:  What does this word really mean to me?  What does the word feel like?  What are examples of this feeling word?  Why is it valuable to me?  Why do I want to feel this way this year?  What is it about this word that is calling out to me?

Step three:  I make a list of 3-5 accomplishments (intentions) for each feeling word that I believe if I engage in them will help me feel that way.  And I like to break those intentions down like this (thanks to blogger Danielle LaPorte for this idea):

Three things I will do today to generate these feelings;  Three things I will do this week to generate these feelings; Three things I will do this quarter to generate these feelings.

Step four:  I share my list with several trusted people a) so I can stay focused - sharing deepens impact, and b) so I can have accountability with my process as the year goes by.

What I Want to Feel More Of in 2014

Here's the way my list turned out for 2014 (in case some of this might stimulate your creativity):  MY 2014 FEELING WORDS

Every time I read my list of words, my inner spirit jumps up, I feel real positive energy inside, and hope increases as I anticipate the year.  It's keeping me focused on what's most important to me.  And I can already tell these feelings, and my attention on them, are driving forward my intentions.

I challenge you to do this process, too.  And let me know what your feeling words are for 2014.

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Looking for a Speaker or Coach?

If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for a keynote speaker or workshop teacher for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it.  And interested in strengths coaching?  Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com.

Three Truths That Will Leverage Your Genius This Year

Albert Einstein once made the astute observation:

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

There are three points from Einstein's statement I want to unpack relating to what it means to living your strongest, most authentic life this new year.

First, everybody is a genius.  That means you.  That means me. That means the person next to you, too.

Does it feel that way to you?  Does this statement resonate as truth to you?

Perhaps we have difficulty believing this truth about ourselves and others because we live in a culture that equates genius narrowly with IQ.  Or we equate genius with a certain kind of thinking style (e.g. those who know how to work through complex mathematical equations or quick and astute problem solving).  Or we were raised in a family that emphasized a certain style or kind of learning and since we didn't match that, we felt stupid.  Or we were raised by emotionally stunted parents who were inherently insecure and took it out on us by putting us down and telling us we weren't worth much and wouldn't amount to much.

But I think Einstein is absolutely correct about people.  Everybody is a genius in some area, especially in the arena of their own strengths.

Second, we must start measuring the right things to ascertain genius.

Truth is, fish simply can't climb trees.  They're not designed for that (except for the Mangrove Killifish and several other types which wait out the dry season for several months on a low lying branch until the rainy season brings more water).

When is the last time you went to an aquarium, looked at the fish, and remarked disgustingly, "Stupid fish.  Why aren't they up climbing trees!  Instead, they're just content to swim around here under the water.  Idiots!"

No, you and I don't judge fish for not climbing trees.  We don't measure the genius of fish by whether they are climbing trees or not.

But think about how our culture is fixated on weakness--parents spend more time focusing on where their kids are failing or what the kids aren't doing enough of, managers spend more time trying to fix employees' weaknesses, politics obsesses on leaders' inabilities and mistakes, media fixates on what's wrong.  Everybody gets judged for "not climbing trees."

When people are measured by the wrong standards, and they get judged by how far they are from that standard, what ultimately happens is people internalize this message "I'm stupid!"  I've coached people who have that mental tape that plays every time they do something and can't do it well.  "I'm stupid."

And they often never get to the possibility of realizing that in fact they're not stupid at all, they're simply being measured by the wrong standard.

We all have to do things we're not really good at.  We have to manage around our weaknesses in order to fulfill our obligations and responsibilities.

But if we focus more time and energy on trying to improve our weaknesses to the exclusion of operating within and leveraging our strengths, we are draining unnecessary energy from our brains.  And our emotional mood plummets.  Our self esteem ultimately hits rock bottom.  And the painful and vicious cycle spirals on.

And today, self esteem is at an all time low in individuals, organizations, and even regions.  We don't feel good enough.  We don't feel like we're ever measuring up.

Third, everybody is a genius in the arena of their strengths.

Coaching hundreds of people through the years, I've seen time and again that everyone is an expert in the area they're suppose to be an expert in, their strengths and how to use them.

One of the reasons why I love doing strengths coaching is because of the question we focus on:  instead of asking, what's wrong with people and how do we fix it, the question is, what's right with people and how can they leverage it?

Those of us who work with the StrengthsFinder assessment (developed by the Gallup organization) which identifies a person's top five signature strengths know that there's a 1:34 million chance that someone else has the same top five strengths in the same order as you.  This makes our individual genius amazingly unique and special.

Fish instinctively know how to swim and do underwater acrobats because they're designed and wired for underwater swimming.  Some fish are wired to even fly out of the water, but they always go back under.  They're water creatures and that's what we measure them by.

Once strengths are identified (and people do have to engage in the identification as they answer questions related to what behaviors they do that bring them energy and feelings of strength), everybody can increase their instinctive ability to know how to use them.  And with coaching, they are able to establish new ways to both notice and leverage their strengths---conscious competence.

Latest Research Confirming the Significance of Strengths Living

The point of strengths work centers on the well-researched fact that when we focus on our strengths, we are 8 times more likely to be more engaged and more productive in what we're trying to do.  We believe in ourselves more and live with more confidence which in turn increases effectiveness.

Here's some science to confirm this reality.

A recent blog post I read referred to some fascinating new studies using fMRI (functional magnetic resonance imaging) to track neural activity showing how  focusing on your strengths

"arouses the parasympathetic nervous system, invoking cognitive, emotional, perceptual and behavioral openness and improving performance.  It also creates the conditions for neurogenesis, allowing people to learn and develop new healthy habits and competencies."

By contrast, focusing on weaknesses arouses the sympathetic nervous system which increases your heart rate, raises your respiration, moves blood from one place (e.g., your digestive system) to another (your muscles), etc. These responses are all "arousal" responses which get you ready to fight or flee in times of danger---good for short term survival; terribly damaging for long term health.

Ways to Be Strengths-focused This Year

I'm challenging you to make 2014 the year of living your strengths in unprecedented ways.  * Identify your strengths - take the test.  * Notice how you're using them - make a list.  * Establish how you can be even more intentional about using them in new ways (try planning goals this year around each of your strengths and keep track of how you're doing).  * Learn about the strengths of the people in your life (at home, at work - I do a lot of strengths coaching with couples as well as work teams - very profound).  * Affirm their use of their strengths every time you notice it.  * Hire a coach to guide you and support this revolutionary journey of growth and effectiveness.

I guarantee that if you take these steps, you'll notice radical improvement in your attitude, your self esteem, your energy, your focus, and even your whole body.

Einstein is right.  Everybody is a genius!  So go out and live your genius this year!  I'm cheering you on.

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Looking for a Speaker or Coach?

If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for a keynote speaker or workshop teacher for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it.  And interested in strengths coaching?  Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com.

Reclaiming What It Means To Be A Real Man

My closest friend Paul and I were having our weekly phone visit a few days ago on New Years Day.  We shared how we had experienced and lived out the primary feeling words we had chosen at the beginning of 2013 - the feelings we most wanted to experience for the year and what activities we had engaged in to help us truly feel those words.

The sharing was powerful and very validating, as it always is when we visit - a weekly commitment we've made with each other for the last 16 years.  Being able to bear witness to each other's lives, the ups and the downs, the victories and the challenges, is extremely affirming and encouraging.

At the end of our New Years conversation, we both commented on how blessed and grateful we are to have this time set aside for deep, honest, authentic, sharing of our lives with each other.  We both know many men who simply don't have this experience in their lives for various reasons.

The Challenge of Men, Friendship, and Masculinity

As my last blog post described, I've been thinking a lot lately about the challenge we men have with intimacy with other men, in our friendships, in our professional associations (which manifests in such unhealthy ways in our leadership styles and insecurities).  Many of us have been conditioned since childhood that being a man means primarily being strong all the time, aggressive, not showing too much emotion, choosing confidence over authenticity, and being independent.

So our friendships tend to reflect that picture of masculinity.  We engage in activities - "shoulder to shoulder" rather than "face to face."  We play hard with and against each other.  We joke, we poke fun.  Our primary way of communicating is through sarcasm, trash talking, knocking the other - all in good form, of course.

When I was trying to find a picture for my last blog, and I googled "pictures of men's friendship," out of the hundreds of photos (mostly about men playing sports), there was one showing two men in a face to face conversation.

And we wonder why our culture is so biased when it comes to masculinity and what it means to be a real man.  Taking the time to share honest feelings, to talk about how life is going, to be transparent, empathetic, compassionate, and authentic expressions of need and insufficiency or inadequacy - that's for women.

Significant Research About What It Means to be a Real Man

In truth, though, more and more research is emerging to unabashedly reveal that that picture of masculinity is one-sided, limited, and insufficient to a healthy, strong life.  It's in fact only one piece (and often misused piece, at that) of what it means to be a man.

Dr. Niobe Way, professor of applied pschology at New York University, wrote a Huffington Post blog last November, explaining how the tragic child sex abuse scandal at Penn State by one of the football coaches could have happened ("Penn State and the Crisis of Masculinity").  She charts the typical process of conditioning our boys go through especially in their teen years.

And then she hits the research.  Stunning!

For example, Sociologist Kirsten Springer studied 1,000 middle-aged men, and found that those who most rigidly adhered to ideals of masculinity (such as emotional stoicism and toughness) reported the worst physical health over a 40-year period.

For example, Psychologists Joseph Pleck and James Mahalik also found that adhering to norms of masculinity such as emotional stoicism for boys and men is significantly associated with poor mental and physical health and with high rates of risky behavior and violence.

Not only is our culture's masculine norm producing unhealthiness, it also bleeds its disease profusely into the work place.

Misguided Masculinity Impacts the Workplace

What I see often when I do consulting and coaching in corporations and businesses is that this male leadership model (which tends to refer to employee development and personal growth as "soft skills" as opposed to the "hard skills" of data and financial productivity) ends up

reducing employee engagement, increasing stress, lowering employee loyalty to both cause and company, and ultimately leaving a carnage of bodies and disillusioned minds-hearts-and-spirits in the wake of these leaders.

Many male leaders are simply not getting it because they're acting out of a misguided sense of masculine strength and influence.

It's About Leveraging How We're Really Wired - Being Fully Human

The truth about men is actually counterintuitive.  Notice Dr. Way's description:

"Primatologist Frans De Waal, developmental psychologist Michael Tomasello and evolutionary anthropologist Sarah Hrdy, among many other scientists, conclude that we need a complete 'overhaul' in our conceptions of human nature to account for the extensive research that underscore our deeply empathic, cooperative, and relational nature. Caring about what others think and feel is the reason why, according to Charles Darwin, we have survived as a species. Being emotionally sensitive and caring about others is not a sign of being 'girly' or 'gay' but a core element of being human, essential for surviving and thriving."

That's profound!  We need to stop raising our boys with the stereotypical masculine image of emotional stoicism, independence, autonomy, and being strong as not showing caring and compassion too much (not exercising all those "girly" qualities).

What I'm talking about is what it means to be truly human - how we as men are in fact wired, and why reclaiming this part is nonnegotiable to both the survival and success of humanity.

This is a huge health issue.  And it's also about how we as men can be most effective, influential, and successful in whatever mission we're engaged in.

My friend Paul and I, in our conversation on New Years Day, ended our time by recommiting ourselves to our regular journey of sharing, accountability, and support.  Right before we hung up the phone, we affirmed to each other what an amazing blessing it is to carve out this sacred space in which we can be real, honest, emotionally aware, and authentic.  I can't imagine not having this kind of friendship in my life.

My friendship with Paul has and is truly making me a better man!

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Looking for a Speaker?

If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for keynote speakers or workshop teachers for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it.  And interested in strengths coaching?  Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com.

Men Really Need Intimate Friendships, Too

Are Male Friendships Different From Female Friendships? My wife Shasta Nelson is one of the leading friendship experts these days, especially in the realm of female friendships.  Her book Friendships Don't Just Happen:  The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of Girlfriends is one of the most complete and profound explanations and prescriptions of the multifaceted dimensions of healthy friendships - why it's important and how it can be developed and sustained in deep and meaningful ways.

As I've read her book and listened to her speak to multiple audiences, I've thought how much men need and crave this kind of friendship intimacy, too.

It's been a fascinating experience bringing this view up in conversations with men and women.  Invariably, some people respond by saying that male friendship looks different and men approach relationships from a completely different standpoint, their needs simply are different - as one male expert puts it, men's friendships are more "shoulder to shoulder" compared to women's which are "face to face".  Men bond over activities as compared to women who bond in conversation and self-disclosure.

For some reason, most likely a lot from my own personal experience as well as all my work as a coach and pastor with both genders, I've had a difficult time with that stereotypical and simplified depiction of male friendship.  I reject the notion that men don't crave intimacy  (which includes the need for honest and authentic self-disclosure and empathy) as much as women in our friendships.

When I have coaching conversations with men and create a safe space in which they can share their lives deeply and authentically, I'm finding that men are as fully capable, and in fact as sincerely interested, in full disclosure and admittance of the need for intimacy and honest sharing.  They are craving the same kind of depth and closeness in their friendships as women do, but for the most part they're simply not getting it.

Latest Research on Men's Friendships:  How the Shift Happens

Turns out, research is now showing this craving for depth and intimacy is absolutely true about men and their friendships.  Men are in fact wired with not only this same desire but also the capability for the same kind of intimate, deep friendships.

According to a recent article in Salon ("American Men’s Hidden  Crisis: They Need More Friends!") New York University psychologist Dr. Niobe Way studied and interviewed boys in each year of high school.  What she found was fascinating.

Until the age of 15-16, all the boys she interviewed described their friendships with other boys using the same vocabulary as the girls used about their friendships:

"Younger boys spoke eloquently about their love for and dependence on their male friends. In fact, research shows that boys are just as likely as girls to disclose personal feelings to their same-sex friends and they are just as talented at being able to sense their friends’ emotional states."

Then something happened.  From the age of 15-16 on (right at the same age that the suicide rate of boys increases to four times the rate of girls), the same boys talked about their guy friends far differently.

One of the boys described this shift the way almost all of those boys who were interviewed did:

When he was 15:  "[My best friend and I] love each other… that’s it… you have this thing that is deep, so deep, it’s within you, you can’t explain it. It’s just a thing that you know that person is that person… I guess in life, sometimes two people can really, really understand each other and really have a trust, respect and love for each other."

But when the same boy was a senior in high school, notice the shift:  "[My friend and I] we mostly joke around. It’s not like really anything serious or whatever… I don’t talk to nobody about serious stuff… I don’t talk to nobody. I don’t share my feelings really. Not that kind of person or whatever… It’s just something that I don’t do."

Why the Shift Happens

So what is happening?  As researchers are noting, as boys get older they are becoming conditioned to disassociate from what are often seen as more feminine qualities in order to be manly, macho, accepted in the male places of our world.

For example, why is it that sports coaches or military sergeants, in trying to motivate guys, call them "girls" -- as if somehow that demeaning use of a perfectly neutral term is suppose to inspire guys to be stronger, try harder, be more of a man?

So men learn early on to disassociate themselves from anything feminine--which unfortunately leads to a distancing from the experiences and expressions of need for intimacy, closeness, self disclosure, empathy, and other feelings.  Which in turn serves to isolate them from developing meaningful and close friendships with other men.

But as research continually reveals, this disassociation is actually distancing us as men from our complete selves by cutting vital parts of ourselves out.

Tragic Consequences of This Shift

Here's the way Lisa Wade, in her Salon article, reflecting Dr. Niobe Way's significant research, describes the tragic outcome:

"So men are pressed — from the time they’re very young — to disassociate from everything feminine.This imperative is incredibly limiting for them. Paradoxically, it makes men feel good because of a social agreement that masculine things are better than feminine things, but it’s not the same thing as freedom. It’s restrictive and dehumanizing. It’s oppression all dressed up as awesomeness. And it is part of why men have a hard time being friends."

Two Things Men Need to ReShift and ReFocus On Who They Really Are

First, Men need positive male role models to show the power and transformational experience of intimate friendships with other men - friendships built around mutual self-disclosure, honesty, authenticity, empathy, caring for each other, and yes, sharing good times with each other, too.  Male friendships are not an either/or proposition.  It's both/and.

And Second, Men need to be given permission that it's not caving to a stereotypical feminine way of being by wanting and engaging in deeper, caring male friendships.  Men need this permission from the women in their lives and from other men.  The media isn't helping at all!  So others need to step up and openly talk about what it means to be a male with all the multifaceted qualities men have inside them that need to be expressed and that contribute to building deep and lasting and meaningful friendships with other men.

Because the truth is, men are hardwired with a yin and yang of qualities:  we are both "soft" and "hard" -- we crave strength and power, and we also long for warmth, intimacy, caring, and empathetic nurturing and sharing.  Men have been cultured to neglect one for the sake of the other.  But it's both/and.

And the sooner we men embrace this truth, the healthier we will be emotionally, mentally, physically, and relationally.  We will be living in alignment with who we truly are.  And that's always the place of greatest authentic power and well being.

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If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for keynote speakers or workshop teachers for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it.  And interested in strengths coaching?  Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com.

It's All About Energy Management!

Higher Demands, Less Energy The American culture is becoming increasingly a place of higher demands.  Employers are trying to squeeze more and more from their employees.  Expectations for productivity are higher than ever.  Competition is fiercer than ever.  And compensation isn't keeping up with the demands.

The average American worker is not only given less annual vacation time than counterparts around the world, he or she actually takes less of this time than the others.  Americans are working harder and longer than ever before.

A consistent theme I hear from the leaders and senior managers I coach is the insane amount of work they are engaging in on a daily basis - almost to the point of complete breakdown.  And they all feel somewhat trapped in this never-ending cycle.  It is definitely not a sustainable strategy.

Energy Is Renewable

One of the things I've learned is that life is all about energy management.  Truth is, time is a finite resource.  But energy is renewable.  We all have the opportunity to make choices that can actually increase our energy.  It all depends on how we manage this amazing resource.

I read a profound article in the Harvard Business Review written by Tony Schwartz and Catherine McCarthy, "Manage Your Energy, Not Your Time" (Oct. 2007).  In the article, they suggest that "energy comes from four main wellsprings in human beings: the body, emotions, mind, and spirit. In each, energy can be systematically expanded and regularly renewed by establishing specific rituals— behaviors that are intentionally practiced and precisely scheduled, with the goal of making them unconscious and automatic as quickly as possible."

I love this perspective because it provides hope that we all have it within our power to do something about our energy which is so often lagging and drooping from the incessant demands we face regularly:  we can learn to recognize the energy-depleting behaviors / activities we engage in; and we can learn what instead energizes us and so develop ways to more intentionally step into those.

It's all about energy management.

How Strengths Renew Energy

This is why I coach and consult people and organizations around strengths.  Strengths are in fact wired into us - they are our natural preferences - innate talents that come from the natural flow of electricity (energy) via certain neural pathways (each one leading to certain specific behaviors).  Because of the chemicals released in these pathways, the pathways become ingrained in us.  If they're our natural preference pathways, they're pleasant for us to stimulate so we tend to stimulate them more than others.  And the more we use them, the more we strengthen them.  It's a powerful feedback loop.

So when we pay attention to what our natural strengths are, and when we choose to use them more intentionally, we are putting ourselves in an energy flow that is not only more efficient and fulfilling but also more sustainable, renewable.  Using our innate resources (like strengths) actually increases energy because it's aligning with our unique individual biology - it's stewarding our brains effectively by leveraging those neural pathways with their accompanying electricity and chemicals.

When we are not using our natural preferences, according to neuroscientists our brains are actually expending 100x the energy than when we're leading with our natural preferences (our innate wiring and talents).  One hundred times!  So instead of making deposits, we're making massive withdrawals from our energy bank unnecessarily.  Our brains are wearing out.  And consequently, our whole feeling of energy lags and droops.  We're not being "fully alive."

It's all about energy management.

Take the StrengthsFinder Assessment

If you  haven't taken the strengthsfinder assessment yet to discover your top natural strength preferences, you need to!  There are two ways to take the test:  buy the book StrengthsFinder 2.0 from Amazon for $14.00, or go directly online to the Gallup site, pay $9.99, and take the test.  What a small price to pay to radically increase your ability to renew your energy!

My work as a coach and consultant is to unpack these results for people and organizations.  I give them opportunity to think through and strategize how they can be more intentional about using their strengths in every aspect of their lives - work, relationships, spirituality.  When people take this work seriously and really engage via their strengths, the results are always amazing - people have more energy, more fulfillment, more effective productivity, less stress, more of a feeling of flow, more of being, as Schwartz and McCarthy describe, "effortlessly absorbed."  Who wouldn't want all that??

It's all about energy management.

It's time for people to stop trying to simply work harder and start working smarter.  Leverage your natural preferences, your strengths.  Let your brain work effectively and efficiently the way it was designed to.  Learn what makes you unique from everyone else.  And then embrace it, step into it, stand in your truth, and let yourself be the powerful person you are.  Develop a truly sustainable life.

You want more energy?  Try managing and stewarding the energy you have.  I guarantee:  you'll find your energy is in deed a renewable resource.

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If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for keynote speakers or workshop teachers for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it.  And interested in strengths coaching?  Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com.

It's Time to Leverage the Culture Shift: Necessary Leadership Styles for the 21st Century

Research on Effective Leadership Styles Important research these days is revealing some significant trends in how people are thinking about leadership, the style they want to see in their leaders, and what style is proving to be the most effective in solving today's complex global problems.

Gone are the days where the macho approach is looked up to as the savior of our problems.  That current track record speaks for itself.

Qualities to Move Away From.  "Everywhere, people are frustrated by a world long dominated by codes of male thinking and behavior: Codes of control, aggression and black- and-white thinking that have contributed to many of the problems we face today, from wars and income inequality to reckless risk-taking and scandal."*

Qualities to Embody More of.  Instead, says a growing body of academic and industry research, "senior executives around the world and across industries put qualities such as collaboration, creativity, flexibility, empathy, patience, humility and balance right at the top of the list of crucial leadership characteristics for the future."**

Soft Vs. Hard.  There are those in our culture who still choose to see these qualities as "soft" versus "hard" - they can't embrace them as truly significant to the bottom line of productivity and financial sustainability and growth - they see these qualities as luxuries at best, and perhaps curriculum to be relegated to Human Resources department if at all.

This leads to a tragic sidelining of what is increasingly showing to be more effective in the long run in addressing the fundamental needs of our organizations and markets with their complex, global, and interconnected challenges.  This short-sighted and biased view continues to do damage on multiple layers of our human systems and organizations.  Productivity and engagement are at all-time lows in our country.

In contrast, natural biologists are providing us with powerful examples of how the more relational and collaborative qualities are in fact hard-wired in the natural world to powerful effect.  My last blog post described birch trees and rhododendrons in a symbiotic relationship.

Here's another:  take the barheaded geese, for example.

Learning From Barheaded Geese

It’s estimated that at least 50,000 of them winter in India.  And when summer nears, they undertake the two month 5000 mile migration back to their home in Central Asia.  What makes this trip remarkable is that the route they choose to take every year is the world’s steepest migratory flight—they fly over the highest mountain in the world, Mount Everest in the Himalayas.

Amazingly, this route is where the air is thinnest and oxygen level lowest.  What’s more, the thinner air means that less lift is generated when the birds flap their wings, thereby increasing the energy costs of flying by around 30 per cent.  And yet they still fly the same route over the highest place on earth.  Imagine it!

Scientists now find that these geese do not make use of tailwinds or updrafts that could give them a boost up the mountain.  One of the remarkable resources they choose instead to rely upon is teamwork---collaboration.

Drafting.  Geese are famous for utilizing in flight the V-formation which helps reduce individual energy consumption by up to 30%.  Professional cyclists use the same principle that empowers them to sustain high energy and power for endurance races like the Tour de France (over 2000 miles in 21 days).  Drafting.

The whole flock of geese gets over 70% better mileage than if each bird flew solo.  When the lead bird gets weary, it drops back and a new one takes the lead.  As the birds vigorously flap their wings, it creates lift for the bird behind.  These geese actually choose to fly over Mt. Everest at one time rather than breaking up the trip, typically a grueling eight hour marathon.

And in addition, if one of the geese gets too tired or gets injured or sick, two of the other geese shepherd the weaker one back down to the ground and stay with it until it either gets stronger or dies.  Then they rejoin the group or find another group to fly with to complete their migration.

Clearly, there is no physical way these birds could soar over Mt. Everest without this kind of drafting, teamwork, and collaboration.  Forget it!

And yet so many of us individuals, including many organizations that insist on a few at the top within hierarchical structures possessing all the power, continue to assault our Everests ineffectively.

The Qualities That Make A Difference

What social science and organizational effectiveness research is telling us these days is that similarly there is no way we can scale the Mt. Everest-sized global challenges we face without prioritizing and valuing these same qualities:  teamwork, collaboration, empathy, nurturing, loyalty.

The days of the solo leader (or small group of men who conduct the business war games and deals in the backroom), projecting an omnicompetent ability, standing at the top of the hierarchy of power, position, and status, omniscient in wisdom, who has only to speak and command the vision, strategy, and way forward, are gone (or should be gone).

"In the new economy ‘winning’ is becoming a group construct: Masculine traits like aggression and independent trail the feminine values of collaboration and sharing credit. And being loyal (which is feminine) is more valued than being proud (which is masculine), which points to being devoted to the cause rather than one’s self. And that we want our leaders to be more intuitive—(also feminine)—speaks to the lack of many leaders to have the capacity to relate to ordinary people and their points of view."*

We have to intentionalize systems and structures that help us rely on each other, where everyone is empowered to contribute their best strengths, where organizational and team health is seen to be as important as ROI and the financial bottomline, where we mentor others and stand beside them to support their growing development, where we manifest patience and empathy instead of "get it or leave here" attitude, where we employ technicolor instead of black-or-white thinking to our problems.

If we want to soar over our Mt. Everests, we will choose to be more like the barheaded geese.

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* The Athena Doctrine:  How Women (and the Men Who Think Like Them) Will Rule the Future, Michael D'Antonio & John Gerzema.

** Gayle Peterson, associate fellow of Saïd Business School, University of Oxford, and co-director of its Women Transforming Leadership program, "We Don't Need A Hero, We Just Need More Women At the Top" (The Guardian, Nov. 13, 2013)

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If you or someone you know in your organization is looking for keynote speakers or workshop teachers for events in your company, congregation, or association gatherings, I would be happy to come speak on this theme or others like it.  Feel free to email me at greg@gregorypnelson.com.